Learning egoism
Monday, October 11, 2010 at 7:14PM 
Or being self-centered. Or selfish. Or being a bitch. Whatever you might call it. I'm learning to think about myself and do things that are good for me first, and only then good for others. All my life I have been worried sick about others - their well being, their happiness, their whatever - anything I could to make others feel better, I would - even if it was at my own expense - at the expense of not eating, not sleeping, not taking care of myself, of humiliating myself. Anything - but not to care about me. I feel pathetic, stupid, and broken. I can't say no, I always want to please, to care, to be helpful, to be there. I can't just ignore others - I always read people's faces, I always try to think how I might make this one person happy, or this other person smile, or the whole mankind a better place. The problem is - they don't care. They take and take and spit back. Or smile back politely, amused at my bending myself into knots to be noticed. And I'm ready to do anything. So, how do I turn it around and center on me?
How can I be not so needy for attention, and love, and affection? How can I put the focal point into the center of my body, of my mind, and be even? And not care about what goes on around me, be fat-nice-even-stable-boring-perpetually-happy-dumb-quiet-full? I am trying very very hard, but I find it is not me, and I have no idea what to do about this need. I throw a net on people, they freak out and try to get it off them - it's too much to be placed on them. I need to be able to hold on to myself, to that iron rod I blogged about earlier - where exactly did I lose it? How come it's not there anymore and I feel like any wind can throw me off the path. Hell, every wind does throw me off my path! When I'm on it, I decide - ok, this is the end of it - NOBODY can throw me off, I am walking straight forward, I will cover my ears to not hear anything, I will shelter my eyes so that I can only see a few feet ahead of me, I will push my heart deep into the abyss of numbness to not feel anything, I will cover my mouth so that I won't be able to speak, and I will push forward. I go. I win. For 5 minutes - nothing! Great! I feel victorious. I've learned to be self-centered. There - look! I'm doing it! Fuck everybody - I don't care!
This maybe lasts another 5 minutes, until somebody on the side of the road pokes me with a question, or an SMS, or a Facebook message, or a phone call, or an e-mail, or a chat line on Skype - and presto! Where did all the covers go? Forgotten is my plea. I'm all ears, my eyes are set on whoever poked me, my mouth is open, ready to engage in any conversation, my heart is on the pretty golden plate, and I give it over with the words - how can I help you? Is there anything I can do for you to make you feel better? Is there anything I can do for you, period? Forgotten is the path, my legs carry me off, my body doesn't see anything else but the person in need. I will now do anything it will cost me - I will split myself open and offer my soul. But the person is amused, really. The person pushes my plate away, with a grimace, and says: "That's not what I wanted, why are you offering me this? It's gross, and raw, and bloody. Yikes! You're weird." And I close off, I crawl into a ditch on the side of the road, I let the dirt cover me up, and when my friends come to my rescue, I don't trust them, I don't want them to get me out. I don't believe anyone anymore, I feel like nobody will ever need that offering. I think it's unhealthy. I search for the healthy egoism, I decide to toughen up. I see how people interact with ease, without drama, and I think - I can do it just like that. Why is it do hard? I shake off, step back on the road, and start walking again. I take precautions and cover up again all my senses, and the first few pokes go unnoticed, until another one come, the one that gets under my skin, and the cycle repeats again.
The thing is - it's my problem, not theirs. I'm the one who is needy, not them. Until I learn to be with myself, to love myself, to be complete and whole without anybody else, until then - I can count on being miserable. Until I can calmly say "no" to any request just because I felt like I'm not interested, or because I need to think about it, or simply because I said so, for no reason - and not feel any remorse or guilt at doing that - until then I will keep bleeding. And no amount of stitching will cure the hole. It has to close off from within. The only question I have - how long will it take? How long do I have to stumble in the dark with my arms stretched out, desperately feeling for that warmth that comes from a truly loving embrace? Days, weeks, months, years? What if I will stumble like this for life? What if I won't ever find my own center? I try to think - time. Time will show me, time will cure anything, time will put everything into perspective. But it's darn hard to think "time" when it hurts so bad in the "now"! Growth pains? If that's what this is, I get it why some people choose to never grow - it hurts like hell!
Photo by icanteachyouhowtodoit.
Reader Comments (2)
Kind people would always have a problem in a me-me-me society. Taken advantage of, considered weak and even laughed at. I know that, too well. No, it is not just your problem. It is theirs, too. For them to have lost the ability to realize kindness and to ridicule sensitivity is a societal disease. You can't fight a societal disease.
But then, is it a matter of me or them? No, those two are not mutually exclusive.
We are here for no particular reasons, but simply to experience what others would have experienced at another time in the past. Pain, mostly, some happiness, if you are lucky. There is no doubt about the existence of hell, we are living in it. The only thing we can think about is whether we will leave hell making it slightly better, or solely focus on ourselves and sleep walk 'til the end.
Most people sleep walk through it, but you are smarter than that. And now it is your decision to see whether you will end up leaving a mark that you would be proud of.
Leo,
I am definitely not sleep walking anymore - and not planning on doing any ever again in my life. So I can consider myself lucky that I woke up. Staying woken up is the new challenge - no matter how painful it is, this is the path that I am choosing. Leo, thank you for these words. I know what you mean exactly.
Ksenia