Let go, let go, let go...
Monday, October 18, 2010 at 5:26PM 
It's not about anyone else, it's not about other people - it's all about me. It's not their fault, it's me who makes the decisions. I am the one who takes the steps, and I am the one to answer. Let go, let go, let go. How hard it is to let go and not blame others, or human nature, or whatever else. To not yell obscenities, to not point fingers, to not find those guilty in my past for my lack of this or lack of that or short view of other. How hard it is to carry my weight of responsibility, and understand that it is me and only me who has to do it. Yes, of course, others participate too. Yes, it is undeniable they do. But there is always a choice, even in death. Even when one is captured and tortured and being killed for real, there is a choice in how to go. Always. The question I am pondering is this - should I live this life or should I not? Should I shut down and not feel, as in convenient comfortable numbness that is fully suppressed and does not allow any distractions to deter me from the proper path - the way it is seen by the society at large?
Should I choose to not make mistakes, to try to be ideal, to conform and to prosper? To lead a quiet and modest existence, slowly making my way through the current, careful not to touch anyone on my way, next to me? Avoiding collision with powerful emotional forces and listen to friends' advice, to smooth out the wrinkles of doubt and suffering? Or should I drop all pretense and dive in, deep, until I hit my head on the rocky ground, until I bleed, until I fight to swim up, to grasp just enough oxygen to climb out onto the cold barren shore, only to find those that I hurt, to allow them to beat me into pulp, to feel every blow, because I deserve every ounce of it - and then still repeat the cycle, to feel life fully - with its ups and downs not as in "stand up - sit down", but as in ""fly up to the sun - plunge down into abyss of darkness".
There is a price to pay for everything, in the highest currency possible - sanity. The question is - to choose to go there and spend, buy everything, taste everything, and really really pay for it? To be able to arrive at my deathbed and remember those precious moments of life that I bought with the long stretches of darkness? Or to choose grey - middle, average, stable - and never really aspire for the mountain tops? Is there a moment in life when one has tried ascending and after not being able to reach the peak for the 100's time, finally gives up? Finally gets bitter at the world, at life, at all people? Shuts down? Stops believing one can reach the ultimate zenith? Are there people who did it and gave up? Is it possible to always seek it, to be driven till the very end and know that it's the drive that counts? Even when we fall short? Even when it is within arm's reach? Even when we get a chance to brush it with our fingers for a split second before it disappears? To never be found again? It is possible to recover from something like this and move on? And know that there will be another chance, maybe even bigger and better and undeniably beautiful? When exactly does the exhaustion set in and we stop believing?
I find myself upside down. I am heading down again. I wave, in an impulse of dark humor. I wave at the void and think - here we go again. Did I learn from last time? Nope! I am still bent on seeking. Should I ever learn? Nope. Dying is a better alternative, and I have been there already too. So not a choice. The familiar twist in the gut sets in, and I smile in the anticipation of the torture. Here it is, the moment of swiping my sanity credit card, to give to the bank of humanity. Hopla! I must be a psycho. For choosing to feel fully. What exactly is my problem? Why can't I conform? Where is this stubbornness coming from? From being a survivor, yeah, right. I forgot that one. Of course. Trained from the wee years. I guess this would be hard to extract from my fabric, and, really, should I? It makes me who I am. I've got to make a pinky swear with myself. Ok, here we go:
No regrets? No regrets. Promise? Promise. Pinky swear.
Photo by Alexandra Bellink.
Reader Comments (12)
As far as I know we only get one chance...GO FOR IT!!!! We will have moments of self-doubt, we will have moments of anger, sadness, regression, etc....but we will have many more and more and more moments of pride, liberation, love, happiness, hope....... TAKE IT...IT'S OURS...WE ONLY HAVE OURSELVES TO BLAME NOW :-) Hard road...take the one less traveled by...it will make all the difference <3
Thank you:) I will.
LOL...great blog...I enjoy all your writing. Hope I didn't come across demanding or poorly...I'm a little fired up at the moment. But one day soon, I'll recycle ;)
Nope you didn't - thanks for a fantastic comment:)
Your post reminds me of a famous quote by Albert Camus:
“There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy. All the rest – whether or not the world has three dimensions, whether the mind has nine or twelve categories – comes afterwards. These are games; one must first answer [the questions of suicide].”
Once one has closed the door on that option, then simply live your life as best you can. The rest, frankly, is really just details you can experiment freely with. Never forget to zoom out for perspective, slow down and avoid over-focusing. I follow your posts with interest, btw. All the best, Ksenia. :)
The question is - to choose to go there and spend, buy everything, taste everything, and really really pay for it?
Yes. Especially with wind finally picks you up and you feel like you can fly. Buy now. Pay later.
Love your blog. <3
David, Denis - thanks guys:) yeah, I am playing this game fully right now. Sometimes the pain is so strong that I wonder if it's worth it. But in the end, it always is. And I know no matter how much it hurts, one day it will be over, and I will have a moment if bliss again.
Someone very close to me is a survivor. I can almost hear her speaking when I read your writing. Sigh.
Oh, please give her a hug from me.
I will do that next time I see her. For sure.
hello , nice website you have here!
Thanks for stopping by:)