Orgasm business
Saturday, October 2, 2010 at 7:58AM 
WARNING: Explicit content, and if you think you want to get off from this blog post, leave now because you're looking in the wrong place.
OK, I'm done with guys asking me about this, and I am going full disclosure in case someone wants to ask again in the future - here you will have all your answers. First of all, what's up with orgasm? Do you have to make the woman come to feel satisfied with sex? I mean, is this my issue or is this your issue? Here is my issue. I can't have vaginal orgasms and I can only have clitoral ones if I'm alone, thinking hot stuff in my head, coupled with a wonderful Waterdancer vibrator I got at Babeland a while ago. I can get off in a few minutes just like that. Comes in handy when traveling too. No, I can't get off by using my hands. No, I can't get off while having the actual sex. Why? Because, plain and simple, I was brought to orgasm by my stinking drinking grandfather when I was 5 or 6 or 7, while I was in bed, and he stuck his hand under the covers and stroked me through my panties. I hated my body, I hated it being so sensitive, I got so tense that my muscles hurt. I still have an issue learning to relax my muscles while having sex. I hated the feeling of pleasure coupled with sheer terror and ugliness and plain feeling of "Yuck!". On top of that, I suspect (I say I suspect because this is one memory I can't fully recover - probably because it is very disturbing still), I was brought to orgasm by my father in the bathroom - by him licking me. I think this occured before my grandfather masturbated me, because I was stuck for a long long time on only being able to get off in the bathroom. And, when I was penetrated for the first time at 2, it was coupled with such enormous pain that to distance myself from it still is a major mental effort.
The last time I was able to get myself off without the help of a vibrator was when I was 11, I remember it clearly - I was in bed and somehow it just happened from twisting my legs. Great. At 13 my father stopped abusing me, finally, because (I think) I got my period and he was scared to death to get me pregnant. Though at that time he stopped penetrating me and it was only "make me come with your hands" type business. At that time, since we lived in Germany, I was reading all kinds of magazines for teenagers (the kind you couldn't find in port-socialist Russia) and came across an article where girls asked an expert on how to orgasm. One girl said she did it with a shower. I got this idea in my head, and since I was already stuck on the bathroom thing and the clitoral stimulation, I locked myself in the bathroom and sprayed myself with the shower water, holding it so that the water hit me with a very direct stream. It worked. I locked myself often in the bathroom since then - it was the only room that locked in our apartment, and if my step-mother is reading this, she will finally know what I did there. Since my libido was always very high (inherited from both parents) I had to find a way to release it. But, when the abuse stopped, I blocked out all memories of it and started living, like my step-mom said - you opened up like a flower - plus stopped feeling any sexual desire whatsoever. Except, when I told her why this all happened, she told me I am nuts for thinking that.
I've suppressed everything and worked the rest of my life on keeping it deep down and pushing it deeper still each time it tried to rear its ugly head. At 16 I ran away from home, and at 17 I had the first sex (as I thought) with my then high school boyfriend, and discovered that actually when you have sex you get pregnant. Surprise! Of course in never downed on me that it was strange that I had no pain on penetration, no blood, no feelings of arousal, and an out-of-body experience, as if watching myself from the side. We married, my wonderful daughter was born, and our marriage eventually ended 4 years later, with a bitter dissatisfaction of me not being able to get off once during sex in all those years (except when locking myself in the bathroom again). After that I have had a couple of encounters before landing into my second marriage, where for 12 years we worked hard on making me enjoy sex - and hopefully being able to get off. It got to the point where I couldn't get off even in the bathroom. I hated my body. I was depressed. We went to see a sex therapist. This was the first time I started thinking I might have been abused - the first fleeting memories surfaced, but I didn't remember who it was. Slowly, we did some game playing with my husband (the ones the therapist suggested) and they got me to at least to being able to stroke myself in the presence of my husband in the bedroom, which was a big victory (shame usually ruled and I couldn't do it at all before). And then somehow I think he came across that vibrator thing, and I became hooked. It worked, then it worked not only in the bathroom, and now it works everywhere. Except I still have to battle my brain on the release. If I get very worked up during the actual sex, I can't do it either - somehow I become non-sensitive at all, overstimulated, and I have to wait till next day to release. Can't sleep either - it sucks.
But, all of this is part of my healing process. And in the recent weeks when my body almost fully healed, my libido returned back and I've been exploring this side of me like crazy, at times afraid for my own ability to control it. At least now it subsided and is at a manageable level, and I have found that I do feel something down there when having sex - meaning, I can potentially have a vaginal orgasm, and this is exhilarating, and I want to experience more. I'm exploring it, so stop asking me why I can't get off - not yet, I'm sure I'll be able to. But I had to suppress this for 20+ years, so unfortunately it won't change overnight.
There you have it, I hope all questions are answered now. You can tell I'm angry. I can tell I'm angry. It is not easy walking around with a crutch that people don't talk about, but when they do, they label me handicapped. Does the inability to orgasm make me enjoy sex less? Not at all. I enjoy it very much. Will it make me enjoy it more in the future when I can orgasm? You bet. But, asking me about it certainly cools me down. So please stop asking and understand. And please understand, I'm not the only one. By the latest statistics, one out of three women in US has been a victim of incest, and many more have been raped at an adult age. You can only imagine why so many women are being called frigid - and hopefully you won't view them as handicapped but think about how you can help.
Photo by Oliver Wagner.
Reader Comments (2)
BRILLIANT! I am so very proud of you! This is on a lot of people's minds, not about you, but about themselves as survivors. And as a fellow survivor, I can tell you, that showerhead was a godsend, we have high libido's on my mother's side. So I can totally relate to the locked door, bathroom thing...though in my case, it was the only safe place in the house.
I will say one thing more, and honestly, it's a gem, but the Hitachi Magic Wand. Excellent assistance for clitoral stimulation.
Huh, Hitachi Magic Wand - awesome, will check it out!