The need to be held
Thursday, October 21, 2010 at 8:35PM 
I've been craving to be held for the last several days, and today this wish is almost unbearable. I want to be scooped up and held from all sides, for the longest time possible, with love, so that I can disappear inside and feel safe, feel together, feel that I belong. I've been wondering where this is coming from, and I think it's from the earliest wish every child has - when you literally can disappear into your parent's arms, because you're so small. I have never had enough of that, I can hardly remember being hugged at all, and at this time of separating with my husband and being on my own, the need became only stronger with the realization that I am going to be alone. There is something about the human touch that is like a vitamin - without enough of it we start to wilt. I guess I'm wilting right now and I'm not sure what to do to make myself perk up. Is that why kids sleep with large stuffed toys? I wonder, I don't remember having any.
For most of my childhood, I was used by others, for their pleasure, then discarded and left alone in bed, without any sleep, cold and shivering from the pain and humiliation. I remember being paralyzed with fear, hardly moving, with my limbs getting colder and colder, and falling in and out of sleep, barely dreaming or having nightmares, and being bleary eyed in the morning. I remember craving to sleep next to someone big and warm and safe and loving. I would sometimes escape into my great grandmother's bed - her room was the only one that locked, and sometimes she would let me in. She slept on this old style feather mattress that bunched up into a gigantic donut, so when I crawled in, I sunk inside, enveloped by it, and I clang to her warmth, and soon was fast asleep. Those nights were the ones when I had no dreams - I was so exhausted that I slept like a rock. But those nights were rare. I still wonder how I grew up with such lack of sleep and still managed to survive. On occasion I crawled into my mom's bed (on days when she was at home), but the memories are very fuzzy and I think she was sleeping naked, which made me always feel ashamed - ling next to her breasts, the naked skin - I felt like something was wrong. But I loved her hugging me. I think I still crave her hugs very much - the softness, the warmth, the love.
The need to love, and the need to be loved - both coupled - are a powerful cocktail. To add the need for touch to this, and it is almost explosive. Hard to hold together. It's eating me from inside out, like an acid - slowly, sweetly, but with excruciating pain. It's like an addiction to a drug - no matter how hard I try not to think about it, banish it from my brain and body - it only grabs me stronger every minute. Until I am ready to pay any price just to get it, blinded by the need. Wish there was a white walled soft padded room where I could restrain myself and, possibly, after lack on any stimulation, forget I needed it in the first place. The need to be held. To be touched. To be stroked. To feel the warmth of the skin, the connection. Impossible. Can't forget, can't banish - it is driving me nuts! I can't concentrate on the book I was reading, so gave it up to write it out - the only thing that helps me in these moments, the last resort to try to process it, to analyze it, to make sense of it. So I can hopefully control it somehow. So I can at least fall asleep. Shopping for an overstuffed soft elephant tomorrow.
Photo by Laura.
Reader Comments (3)
тоже самое... мне пришлось прибегнуть к помощи бывшего мужа... просто попросила меня обнять... несколько секунд...как укольчик с витаминкой )) и мне уже не так тяжело, нормальное утро ))
I know what you mean. Just to be held-loved-to feel warm and safe. It's therapeutic, healthy, makes you feel like life's worth living, but yeah, what do you do when there is not a "no strings attached" person in your life? I'm lucky, I have my husband, (but that often comes with strings attached-all too often cuddling leads elsewhere-not that that's bad, but sometimes you just need only holding)..I'm also blessed cuz I have a daughter that loves to cuddle-this is pure...this is the no strings attached kind...but what about those who don't a person like this in their lives? Do they just into relationships prematurely just to have this need met? I probably would. It's like a life line for me. A puppy? A kitty? They give you warmth and love...maybe not quite the same, but probably a decent substitute. ~Marie
Anechka, Marie - thanks gals. Yeah, I think I will simply get some girlfriend time this weekend and have them hug me, or think of a safe "hugging" person. But massage also was a great idea suggested by a friend, so I will probably do that for sure.