I'm ok alone
Saturday, October 23, 2010 at 8:11PM 
I'm ok. I keep telling myself - I'm ok alone. It is going to be fine. I'm self-sufficient. I don't need to throw myself to be with anyone - I'm fine on my own. This is what I wanted, right? Then why is it that I'm freaking out? I pace the rooms, I wonder, I want to be together - so desperately. I'm terrified of being ONE. Not two, not three, just ONE. Of course, my kids will be with me. Of course, I will have my friends. But there is this longing to be with someone special, someone who can finish my sentences, someone who feels what I feel, someone who can read my face and know what I'm about to say, even before I open my mouth. Someone who can hug me, hold me, tell me it will all be ok, it will all work out. And I simply melt at the thought, I can't help it. My knees are weak. I wish for this to be so true, I long for it. I feel like all my insides threaten to come out, to be twisted by this need into a pretzel. It's painful and sweet at the same time, this dream. We all have it, don't we? I wonder when the beginning of this longing takes place - at the first hug we feel when born? At the first kiss? When does it happen, this need? Are we human because of it? Do we need it like we need oxygen, water, food, sleep?
I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm going to be ok. Everything will work out. Time will pass, and everything will fall into place. Except it is so damn hard to wait! I want the resolution now - the certainty, the understanding of an exact scenario I am planting myself into. How hard it is to not know. I would give everything for the knowledge. Just a glimpse, just to see what it will be like. Just to be sure I will be ok. And then I would be able to move on, to feel that all will be fine, to stop fluctuating between the emotional highs and the lows. To be able to tolerate the long and lonely road ahead, knowing that for a while I have to be alone on it, to be able to learn to walk on my own, to not stumble, to know that only I will be able to catch myself. And that it's ok. That I can do it. That I have seen the future, and now the only way to get there is - forward. All I need to do is take it step by step. Look underneath my feet and no further. Only make a goal of each day to make one step. The next day - another. The next - another. Be patient with myself, congratulate myself on even the smallest progress. Know that the road will end, and I will be able to rest, to find others, and that someone - down the road. I just have to trust it.
But it's damn hard to trust! It is so much easier to slide into depression and beat myself up for stupidity and say to myself - it will never happen! Just what fucking dreamland are you from? Wake up! Look around, think about reality! Stuff like this doesn't happen, this is stuff from the movies! Forget about it, move on! See how others are struggling - how are you better than them? How come you think you deserve a better life? A better love? Better everything? You don't. So grit your teeth and stop dreaming, girl. You'll never be TOGETHER. This being alone? That's for life. Get used to it. We're all like that. We pretend we are together. But it's bullshit. We're lonely and pissed and miserable, but we cover it up with new houses, new cars, new jobs. We look and smile prettily in the family pictures, we go to clubs, we invite guests for dinners, we socialize properly. We live life just like everyone else! So what exactly is your problem?
Yeah, what is it? I'm ok to be alone, but I know I want to be with people. Maybe it is silly and childish to dream that there is such a thing as perfect harmony with another human being, but I believe it. I somehow am not jaded enough to dismiss this chance, and that's why I know I will be ok. Being alone is only another step. It will be over soon - I won't even notice how suddenly - pop! - and it will be gone. I am trying to find enough courage in myself to zoom out - to see how I don't have to fear anything, how I have to trust the process. How in the moment that I forget I am seeking - I will find it. The perfect togetherness. And it will be mine, forever. Until then - I'm ok, I'm ok alone.
Photo by Laura.
Reader Comments (2)
Ksenia Thanks so much for sharing Your journey .
I was just going to write You ☺ and will do so privately yet .
Ksenia sometimes we are meant to be with each other for only a short time , some people never were meant to be together , some people never find each other at all !
Being willing to be open acknowledging your feelings , doing the work & steps to continue on is all You can do .
alone does not mean literally by yourself . many people are by themselves and not alone .
My gramdmother was widowed with 2 young children left to run the family business. she remarried after 2 yrs . This was an effort to replace my grandfather, to fill a hole , because in the 1940's you were supposed to be with a man .
It lasted less then a yr. she knew my grandfather was it . Thats all no one else . She spent the rest of her life living , loving the school kids she taught , her children & grandchildren . She never was alone even when by herself .
My friend just lost her dh to cancer 2 yrs ago. she has had friends say to her is she not going to "look " " go on a date ?"
why ? she is not lonely nor alone .
I just wrote about people who defibatly are not supposed to be together and the why . if it is meant to be the ceratin will be we grow together with our partners and nurture each other . There is no enabling , abusive behaviours etc.
anyway hang in there , keep going , You are not alone ☺
Roxie - thanks so much! Yeah, I have a ton of friends, but I guess I am still on a search for that someone special - and who knows, maybe it will not be a guy with whom I will be together, but maybe it will be my best girlfriend, or maybe I will get myself big fluffy dog! I don't know. But thanks for your comment - it helps me put my feelings into perspective.