"Worthless" stage
Monday, October 25, 2010 at 11:08PM 
As part of my healing process, I am going through the "I'm worthless" stage - and it is cutting me very deeply into the gut, and it's making me to seek out connections where I am trying to be everything for someone who doesn't care and never will. Since I am "worthless" in my mind, I am going for anything - I am worth nothing, so you can do whatever you want - I will look into your mouth, breathless, catching every word, just to be in your presence. Bullshit. I think I am beginning to understand where this is coming from. I was made to feel worthless by my stinking perverted grandfather and by my sicko crazy father. I was a piece of shit to them, to be fucked, to be discarded, and I tried to please them all I could, just to glimpse that hope, the hope for love, at least a little piece of it. Like a starving dog begging for a bone, so was I begging for it. And I still do. And tonight I think I was shocked by seeing this inside of myself. No fucking way! I won't be doing this anymore. I'm not worthless, I'm worth a lot. It's simply a very scary concept for me to comprehend. I am not used to thinking of myself as worth a lot, no matter what my friends, or even complete strangers, tell me. It is foreign, it is new, but it makes me feel great. Oh it's so great, there is no turning back.
I am always the one who has patience for others, for their pains, for their problems. I'm a broken people magnet - they flock to me and spill me their guts. Then, empty and happy, they depart, whistling - and I am left with all their dirt, comprehending what to do about it. Hours, sometimes days pass, until I can actually cleanse myself of it. And the people who are clean now? They don't care. It's not their problem - it's my problem, I am the one who allowed them to do it. I then wonder, why the hell do I keep doing it? What is it that makes me say "yes" when I really should say "no"? How can I start thinking about my needs first and forget about the stuff that is simply not good for me? Why do I always have to be open, always helpful, always warm and nice? When they spit inside, I am the one who cleans it out, talking myself into "they must have had a difficult childhood" bullshit. What about me though??? Ugh. It will take many painful tries and my heart broken many times all over again - for me to finally GET this. I am not worthless. I am worth a lot. I love myself. I don't need anyone to complete me. I am already complete and happy.
I find myself going after that dangling carrot. It is so within reach, so orange, so crisp. But I forget to look around. I don't see the stick attached to my forehead. I keep going after it, not understanding that I will never EVER reach it. Because I think I am not worth anything. Because I put myself into situations where you can use me as a carpet. The funny part is, when I get really pissed at someone, or something, I feel great. I suddenly have all the time in the world to myself, I don't care for anyone else, and I enjoy whatever it is I want to enjoy. Then after I feel guilty. OMG, I spent an entire day doing nothing! I can't do stuff like that, I must do hard work. I can't have fun. This is dragging me back to the "worthless" stuff. I slide into it, and I feel comfortable, I don't smell the stink anymore - it became so familiar over the years. The drama, the pain, the tears. Like a friend of mine told me today - we love this shit, it's the spice to our great existence! But it sucks big time! I want to ditch the drama and just be. You know, walk around and mind my own business, oblivious to those surrounding me. I have seen how other people do that - while I stretch my neck and try to catch a glimpse of their gaze, just to read what it is I am doing wrong that they wouldn't even look at me. I try to stand on my head, to twist my arms inside out, to do anything to get their attention. And when I can't, I'm devastated. The funny part is - they have no idea what is going on inside of me and keep doing their business.
When there is nothing else I can do to get them to at least look at me, I go for my last resort. I offer sex. I am confusing sex for love, for affection - I feel like I need to do it to please, to show that I like someone. Because that's how I've been trained - meaning - unless I give you sex, I won't get any affection from you. So, as a result, what do I do? I offer sex, I give sex, and then I wait for the affection to magically appear. In other words, I am doing it backwards. I freak out people in the process, and then I don't get what it is that they don't get. I whore myself out emotionally because it means affection to me, except to others it doesn't. And I don't get them, and they don't get me. Brilliant. I'm glad I've sorted that one out today. I will probably have to bookmark this blog entry to myself, in case I forget where to look the next time I get all teary and soggy. Disgusting.
Photo by DONT TASE ME BRO!
Reader Comments (4)
Hi! I seem to be getting alot of this today, but U really could have been writing about me in this piece. It sums me up to a tee. I am slowly getting better at filtering out the idiots who I dont need to waste time on and offering help without looking for anything in return. It is though a daily struggle and I hope the more practice I get the better I will get at filtering the idiots from the gems in life. Thanks. x
dear, suffering girl...sort sort sort it all out. write write write till it gets stale and you can discard it. good girl.
Thank you April:) that's exactly what I am doing and it is getting better!
I was wondering what the painting and colors of clothes represented to you I have guesses but, would rather comprehend the artists perspective and am sad about the authors surgeon generals warning. I am often willing to listen to others my self and meet them where they are yet have had a difficulty find those that are not afraid to communicate in a healthy manor of love.