The need to love
Tuesday, October 5, 2010 at 8:47PM 
There is a big difference between simply having sex and being in love. I ventured into the dating world thinking - I've got my stuff together, I only need to release the needs of my body, no emotions, no drama, everything under control. I will be direct, I will explain exactly what it is I need and what it is I am asking for in return. Right. If it was that simple. For a while it worked, until it hit me that I don't crave all of this stuff as much as I am trying to fill a sudden hole in my heart. Once the body got what it needed, the rest seemed flat and uninteresting and more of a sport exercise with a potential benefit or getting high at the end. Mechanical, somewhat competitive, somewhat exciting - mostly while it was new. Once the newness wore off, there was nothing else left. I was puzzled. I thought I've got it all figured out - I've read smart books, I've talked to smart people, I've let go of all assumptions and pretense and doubt. How come I discounted love to easily? I've put it all into a spreadsheet, categorizing, cataloguing, keeping track, like some kind of data, cold numbers. But I was wrong. I've looked high and low in a search, still am - for that special fleeting feeling that does not compare to anything else. Already? Couldn't it have happened a bit later, say several years from now on? Didn't I resolve with myself that I don't need this right now? That I have to put on my business hat and go forward, marching, without any emotions?
I've been wrenching this need out of myself ever since I got a whiff of it. No way. I won't submit. This is not the time. I'm not ready, I don't know yet where I want to go. This reminds me of that hypothetical "readiness to love anyone" in high school, when I was ready to just love, and for whatever turn of fortune my eyes fell on my first husband, and I decided that I fell in love with him, where in reality I fell in love simple "because". "Because" I was ready to love, and it could be anyone. Same feeling is surfacing in me in the last several days, and I'm fighting it with all of my willpower. I can't. I won't. I don't want to! I don't want to walk around with this feeling, meeting people, terrified that I might somehow decide that this is it and totally fall for it. How to wrench it out? I considered driving my head into a wall, though I know it won't help much. I considered trying to suppress it deep deep down - after all, I'm a master of doing it, for the past 20+ years. But I don't want to suppress things anymore. I considered working myself to the point where I am so numb that I don't feel anything anymore. Didn't work, except I got so tired I could barely sleep at night and was falling asleep during the day. I tried talking it out with friends, it worked several times, until the next day I realized that I'm alone and desperately seeking to feel that feeling again.
Why does it have to be so complicated? The need to love. We all attach to it, and we're happy when we feel it and miserable when we don't. Then we're miserable feeling it because with it, hand in hand, come pain and longing and hurt and jealousy and that heart-wrenching sorrow that haunts us day and night. Then were happy because it is over, and miserable again wanting it one more time. I get people who decide to not be part of this game - much more convenient and less messy, under control. Easy. Life is a piece of cake. Wake up, brush your teeth, dress, go to work, take a lunch break, back to work, then home for dinner, read a nice book before bedtime or watch TV, fall asleep, repeat. Only at some point an emptiness creeps into our hearts - and we realize this neatly arranged routine is worth nothing. If we're able to feel anything at that point. Some of us turn bitter at the world, for lying to us - for showing us happiness, only to take is away at the first opportunity. We stop loving, we stop believing in love, we curl up in our lonely comfortable corner, hoping we'll be fine. Forgetting later why we ended up curled like this in the first place. Spying young coupes out the window, from behind drawn curtain, wondering if we've missed out on life somehow, seeing their happy faces, their awkward movements, their fresh kisses. I don't want to end up like that. I know I don't. Should I let myself feel? I'm torn.
Photo by Fe Ilya.
Reader Comments (4)
> Should I let myself feel?
Can you? I don't think it's that easy even if you decide you should. For many people the problem is that they just can't anymore. Burned out.
I can. I'm dying to, actually - but restraining myself to not fall for just anyone, to not make more mistakes.
If all you need to fall in love is just to let yourself go - you are lucky!
As for the "afraid" part - well, they don't call it "fall" for no reason, you know
Good luck )
Thanks Steve - if it was that easy. Some things I can't do right now, not until I actually know what I want, that's why I am restraining myself.