Intimate with fear

I've grown used to being afraid, afraid all the time about this or that or future or past. I used to chase it out of my body, to think that it was bad, that I had to shield myself from the pain. To be fearless. But it was the opposite. When I allowed the fear to be there, to feel it fully blown, to be ok being afraid - I became free. The fear didn't rule me anymore, and I didn't try to get rid of it.

I am afraid of the unknown. I don't know what will happen, when it will happen, with whom it will happen, what will happen after. I want certainty, safety. I want to know what will come tomorrow, I want to know whom I can count on. I am desperate to give anything for this knowledge. I am afraid for myself, for my kids, for my friends, for the future. I am uncertain as to what I should do next, and how I should do it - to come out the other end with the perfect solution, with something that will give me this safety. I try and try, and then when I fail, when the future beats my expectations - I am devastated. I feel guilty, and I fall deep down into personal misery. What I recently got is that all life - relationships, people, things - everything is always in constant transition. As long as I oppose it, as long as I will want to shape it to some set standards - I will be miserable. But if I take it in, just like the fear, if I am ok with being in transition, with not waiting for anything to happen, with being ok with constant shifts and changes - then I am happy. I don't wait for anything to happen - I take it as it comes. I don't expect it to be a certain way - or not to be a certain way - I simply allow myself to experience. If it was good and suddenly it is over, I don't try to prolong it or hold on to it. I don't try to wish for it to happen again, I try not to think of how I would survive if this never happened in my life again. I let go. I allow the fear to be there. If it was something bad, I am glad it is over. But at the same time I know it might repeat, and I'm ok with feeling the terror. It makes my defenses soft, it makes me drop the protective mask, to discover the true me.

And who exactly is that? I don't know. This was driving me mad, I wanted to define every single trait I could think of, every shift of my personality, to feel predictable, to force myself into a neatly defined personality box. To predict again. Same trap. Let go. Let it feel. Let it be myself - no matter how ugly or unknowable that might be. In the moments when I succeeded, the emotional turbulence ceased. It was ok to not be sure. It was ok to float in the air, without solid ground under my feet, without knowing when I will land, how will I do it, what will wait for me there, on the ground. If there will be a ground. If there will be anything at all waiting for me. I stopped waiting myself for things to happen. In that moment, a shift occured in my body. I think it was called "love". I felt love for myself, love for all the broken and not so perfect pieces, for the anger inside, the hurt, the guilt, the shame, the envy. All those traits that I would hate in others - all of those I have had myself, in one shape or another - and hated my guts for feeling them. All of that was now loved. I couldn't believe I was feeling it. I didn't think this would be the path to it. I've tried everything imaginable before - to look at myself in the mirror, to go to therapy for years, to read smart books, to make myself think I am feeling the love. To fix myself in order to be lovable. All of it was wrong. It was simply the matter of being in the moment, in the transition, the one I know no end of - and being ok with it. Becoming intimate with fear. At least for this moment. For I do not know what will come tomorrow. And I'm ok with it.

Photo by Ko_An.