Body vs mind

If I would be looking for a perfect connection, I would want both. But what if it's one and not the other? What if one is nearly perfect and the other one is weak? How to strike the balance between the two and how to choose? What if I both of them are so-so - mediocre at best, and having tasted better ones, I am now not willing to settle for this, but nothing else seems to be cropping up on the horizon? What if I am actually tired of looking for that boat on the horizon to rescue me from the island and am settling in to be perfectly happy and content with what I have? How exactly do we define the moments of bliss when both body and mind seem to align? If ever? Do we condemn ourselves to the misery of continuous search for the better, for the ultimate? And, when we have something we can treasure, we don't see it, we sweep it under the rag, we don't value it and keep chasing the dream when what we have is right under our nose? I don't know. I only know that both are connected and one can't be without the other. I also know that pure body and pure mind only work for so long, when I am completely starved for that attention. After the hunger is satisfied, I can no longer stomach one without the other.

It seems I am sitting on one of those platforms from some computer game - I'm supposed to jump from one to another through the air, to make it to the next one, or I will drop and lose a life. I want to reach higher, but I can't quite touch it - I do have to jump. And I can see others reaching out to me from the lower platform, but I feel like I've already been there and I don't want to step down, to go back, to connect. Though it is easy for me to do so. I want to reach higher. I stretch my arm, but those above me don't even look at me. Their eyes are set on the platform above. They're not interested in stepping down, or reaching down to help me. I look around and I don't see anyone on my level - I am alone. Do I choose to sit here or step down? Or do I muster the courage and go for the jump? My mind is racing, but my body is fully capable of doing either. I think - how many points will I score? Do I leap or do I wait for someone to jump down to me or do I step down myself? Or, do I wait for someone special racing by in one of those super floating capsules that lets you skip a level and get way up, past all the other players? Do I even know if there is such a thing in this game? If there is, will I be invited into one? 

Are we all in the constant conflict with our bodies? Do we over-think and over-analyze life instead of simply enjoying it? Do we project into the past and dream up our future instead of focusing on the now and feeling it full swing? Even if it hurts? Even if nothing is happening? I know I do. I am working daily on shedding this social layer of "do this, do that, be prepared for this, don't forget that", the one that has been pounded into my mind for decades from all adults that I have met in my life, when I had no voice and no say in my beliefs, and took what they said for the truth, for how it is supposed to work. The one that I am trying to unlearn right now, day after day, to understand who I really am, what is it I really want, why do I want it, and where can I get it. And taking life as it rolls in from around the corner - without judging, or expecting anything, or being pissed at it for not fulfilling my dreams. Feeling it. Realizing it is all thoughts, all in my mind. Knowing that one day it will pass, off of it will. Even if I find something absolutely special and precious - it will end too. 

My body is aching for touch, my mind is aching for connection, and my entire being is simply tired from this constant want. When I get it, I am happy. When I don't get it, I am needy and miserable until I get another dose. This in-between state is something that I have to get used to - me, me alone, me being with me only and being ok with it. So that it's not body vs mind, but body AND mind - all in one and even.

Photo by Benedetta.