Sucker for praise
Monday, November 22, 2010 at 12:35AM 
I’m like a sponge, always dry, always looking. Any amount of praise, even as small as a glance, a smile, or a warm word – gets sucked right in, with an audible whoosh. And I keep looking for more, unsatisfied, hungry – searching, drying out in the process, knowing I will keep craving more until I’m full; spilling drops of goodness around me. When it’s enough, I’m giddy. I can’t stop smiling and radiating happiness. When I’m short, I’m miserable, brittle even. Anyone can snap me into pieces, like a toothpick, with a harsh comment or a mean look. I break down and crumble, in search of praise. I’d do anything for it, and I realize this will get me into a trap one day. But I don’t care. I know that each time I do get praise, a little piece of it sticks with me and never leaves. Why? Because I believe it to be true, more and more. Because I start loving myself, more and more. Because I feel I am worth it.
Yet that day is far way, I’m far from full. Can never get enough, can’t stop asking, can’t stop receiving. Even when engorged, I stretch. There is always place for more. I feel my blood vessels popping, my brain inflating, yet I can’t stop. I am afraid that this one source will end and I won’t have another chance. I have to get as much as I can now, because who knows what will come tomorrow? Because what if this is the last time I’m being praised? The last time I hear words that elevate me, fill me in with happy bubbles, make me float above the mundane and the ugly? Getting high, you might call it. Or being obsessive – compulsive. Having to learn to control myself. Whatever label you want to put on it – does it really make a difference? I’d still feel the same, only classified into yet another society box – to not stick out, to not be different, to fit in with someone else – to be content and even. I guess I’m a rebel, I’d rather freeze my ass off on the outskirts of humanity then conform to something I don’t believe in. Yes, I’m an addict. Yes, this might not be healthy. Yes, some people call me nuts, and crazy, and psycho. Does that change your opinion of me? Of others? Should I try to contain this drive and settle with what I have? Or should I follow the hunger and trust my gut – and know it will lead me to places I couldn’t go otherwise, to people I wouldn’t have known otherwise, to the satisfaction of the journey rather than a destination?
I choose being a street bum. Begging for words. Catching “You’re smart”, “You’re beautiful”, “I like you”, “I miss you”, “Your hair is silky”, “You’re doing a great job!”, “You’re talented”, “We love you”, “I don’t want to leave you”, “You’re warm”. Looking for more. Asking for “I love you”, “I can’t live without you”, “You’re perfect”, “I’d die for you”. Still not enough – I’m spoiled now, I want more. I can’t imagine going for a single day without this affection, I’m sucking it in and there seems to be no end to my ability to contain it all. I stretch beyond my years, I stretch into my childhood – there are now more than 20 stories of space, going all the way to when I can remember myself, maybe around 2. I crave, I seek, I want. Touch, caress, love, tenderness, kiss, hug, warmth. Something beyond words, something so strong it can fill my entire being with love by the mere fact of holding my hand, or gazing into my eyes. And I fall for it. It’s what I want, it’s what I’ve always wanted, it’s what I never got. Or the doses were so small that they hardly satisfied me. As a selfish toddler – still stuck in that phase – but for the first time allowing myself to feel it, to be it. To not give, but to receive – and not feel guilty about it. It’s a miracle to be able to take – at least for me it is. I was forced into giving from an early age, and later it became my way of life. I always worried about others first, and my needs never got a chance to come into the picture. They would accumulate into bursts of spontaneous egoism and abnormal spending. Then I would close off again and continue serving. But not anymore. Today while shopping with my daughter I tried some stuff on just for fun, and haven’t bought anything. I could have, I have the money. But I didn’t need it, and I couldn’t find a reason why I would. I was in shock. I did change – for real. I value love and people above all else now. One day the hunger for praise will stop, one day I will know I’m enough, and then I’ll be able to give freely, from a place that’s beyond my past, from the place of unconditional love. I only hope that day will come.
Photo by Jaci Berkopec.
Reader Comments (2)
Ksenia, oh I hear you on this one! That hunger, that need, is so strong but I know you'll find a healing path to finding your place where it is not so desperate. That 'hurt to the quick' so swiftly I know, that need for someone to notice the good or special, I know. Thank you for sharing your words...hugs and prayers!
Shanyn,
thanks girl! Hugs to you too:)