Change
Wednesday, November 24, 2010 at 9:57PM 
It occurs every morning. I wake up and what seemed so certain yesterday suddenly loses significance, or seems not real. I need confirmation that it was. I want to know that it really did happen, and I can count on it. It was fully present in my body, I felt all pangs and pleasures – why is it gone? I know by this evening something new will occur, and it will manifest as being so real that I will believe it – and the next morning it will be gone again. And it’s not just sleep that resets my brain – it’s people, conversations, stories I come across – books, movies, art. I was so certain in the past, of everything. My family was there for me, my parents raised me in the normal way like everyone else, my husband and kids were my own little family. But then one day it all went out the door. It turned out – my family was comprised of a bunch of monsters and handicaps, and was really never there for me. My own little family fell apart. And here I am, wondering, if I need to learn to ride the wave of constant change and if it’s an awakening or a curse.
I wanted freedom, I wanted truth – I got it. Now I’m scared and some days I want to go back to the known, no matter how ugly or violent. Is this why we resist change so much? To be content with the familiar? Or is this a new rites of passage – the middle age crisis, the understanding of life for what it really is, the massive ripping off of the millions of pink glasses, of exposing us to the brutal light of what’s there. The blinding of the age – the tipping point of the knowledge – of understanding that there is no knowledge. That the more we think we know, the less we really know for sure. The letting go of being certain, of knowing, of being right, of standing the ground – the kicking of our feet in the air, like a newborn being held by life and not knowing what will happen tomorrow. For the first time, acknowledging – it has always been like that. We just didn’t see it. Didn’t bother to see it. We were too busy making castles of dreams, but we forgot we had no foundation to begin with. And when our castles crumble, when we lose what we loved, what we believed in, we are bewildered. Surely there is more to life than this, surely miracles happen, surely there is someone – something – that always cares for us, always loves us, is always there for us – in case we fall. But there isn’t. There is only us. That one person who will always be there for me – is me. I have myself for life to live with, and I am the one running away from myself. I can’t seem to find that constant happiness with myself. I am always on the lookout for someone else to complete me, to help me, to validate me. The minute I find it, I’m glad – and I can focus on other things, on the mundane, on the simple tasks of life. The minute I lose it, I enter chaos again. I can’t think of anything else but approval. Please, tell me I am ok. I seek it again.
Change is the only constant that is there, and will always be there. It’s a hard truth to face, and I can’t stomach looking it in the face. One second I see it smile, the other – frown, it’s eyes change color, it’s hair flails around and changes shape so fast – I barely have time to notice. From black dread locks, to a blond cloud, to bald and wrinkly, to silver, to red, to wavy brown. It’s a living nightmare – the face of the monster I have to look into, ot overcome my own fear, my fear of change. To understand – nothing really changed. Life has always been that way – it IS a constant change. The one who couldn’t adapt was - me. I was the one who was rigid, and I am the one who is melting into this cooking pot now, and for the first time allowing myself to do it. Being ok with it. At least stealing moments of peace here and there. The fear of the unknown – letting go, letting go, letting go. If you are still reading, still listening – even that I am not sure of. I want to, but I can’t. I have to know, but I don’t have to. Will it change you? I don’t know. Will it change me? I don’t know. Yet I do – it will. I don’t know how. This is hard – but I trust it. I embrace it, I guess, and I’m riding with it.
Photo by Jane Rahman.
Reader Comments (4)
Ksenia--You really have a gift for being in touch with what is going on within you. I hope all is well for you with your recent changes. I hope the book is going well. Take care. Milton Kliesch
Your words touch deep places, and reach straight to the heart. Bright blessings!
Change is constantly happening. We all can' run and hide it. What we should do is to accept them, recognize them and live in them and use them towards personal growth. In most situation, we are blind, we can't see the blessing behind the sudden change that happens in our life. Just go with the flow of life, in the first place, it is you who have the mind and heart to handle your own situation. Thanks for sharing this, it touched my heart and soul.
Milton, Shanyn, Aris,
thanks so much guys for such wonderful comments! You are the reason I keep writing and sharing - this is making us all connected and hopefully being more content with life's changes.
Ksenia