Breaking the ceiling
Tuesday, December 21, 2010 at 1:09AM 
Once upon a time every one of us got a message, some message that told us not to stick our head above what we can do. We were doing something, we were running around happily thinking we can fly, until somebody smacked a hand on our head – and said - you can’t do this. This is too high for you. You have no wings, who do you think you are, some bird? Don’t stick your nose out. It will be chopped off. Stop jumping, you’ll lose balance. Don’t look up – you will go blind. Look where everyone is going, live normal life, know your abilities! And we believed. We believed it so firmly that the imaginary ceiling stuck, it became real. Every time we tried to jump, we’d feel its breath on the back of our necks, and we’d stop. We’d stop dreaming, stop believing in ourselves, stop thinking we can do what we always wanted to. We believed we are not worth it. Until one day we forgot that all of this was set up by someone, we forgot it’s not real, and we decided that’s just the way we are. That thing they are doing over there? We can’t, it’s not within our abilities. And so we went on with life.
We carved out a niche, and we decided to not stick our head out. Every day we see other people going after their dream, but we believe they have something special that we lack. We suffer and justify it by our DNA, or lifestyle, or some other excuse. But we ache inside – we wonder why we can’t do it, and we shove this pain as deep as possible, until it stops breaking through and we grow old and bitter at the world, disappointed in what this life has to offer. So how come there are these others who can do it? Are they somehow different? They’re not. They just decided to break the ceiling.
I remember when I came back to Moscow after living for 4 years in Germany, how I wanted to be a diplomat and a translator, and dreamed of studying languages, and how my father told me I was no good. I spoke German as well as I speak English now, fluently, and I didn’t dare trying just because of what he said. I never went to school, instead I ran away from home, got pregnant and got married. That ceiling remained until last year – until my body finally told me “enough!”, until I saw how fake it was, and starting poking my fingers through it. I can tell you it was bloody. Every time I’d try to peel off a piece, I’d scrape the skin down to the bone, but I kept trying until the hole was big enough for me to pull myself up. It was the most magnificent view I ever saw – dreams. Everything was within an arm’s reach, just sitting on a white plane ready to be taken. Not a speck of dust on any of them. My feet must have been dangling for a while now and distracting those below, so I got pulled back down – and asked what the hell I was doing, why was I disturbing the peace of others and my own peace. Why was I letting all that sunshine in and blinding them – they lost their comfort. It was my sister, and my step-mother, and some of my friends. They couldn’t understand what I saw – they haven’t seen it, and the effort was not worth it to them. Yeah it was painful, it still is. But I’m out of the dungeon, and I shook off those who tried pulling me back down. There is no ceiling above my head, though I do tend to bend down in the anticipation of being smacked if I date to raise my head too high. It happens less and less, and some days I am struggling with the feeling of happiness. It is very even, and I’m not used to it. I feel I need the turbulence, I feel something is wrong. But nothing is. I’m simply happy, and it takes less and less effort every day to get there. I can still hear voices from below, but every day they become more distant, echoing off below my feet. I still plunge into occasional darkness when I choose not to look around and believe I am worth it, I can have it all - I close my eyes and feel more comfortable in the usual darkness, but the light around is too strong, and I open my eyes quickly.
I dare to look, I dare to take, and then I dare to say it out loud - anything is possible. Anything I want. There are no limits. There is no ceiling.
Photo by Jane Rahman.
Reader Comments (2)
I really love this! You are indeed an amazing writer; the words, the construction of sentences and most of all the thoughts of the whole thing are perfect. You did express everything creatively and productively. This is truly meaningful and deserve a praise.
"I dare to look, I dare to take, and then I dare to say it out loud - anything is possible. Anything I want. There are no limits. There is no ceiling."
I also believe that everything is possible with optimism. We are the master of our own destiny that's why we always have our choice.
Keep writing Ksenia. I will surely come back for your next posts!
Oh - thanks so much! I am happy you like it!