In excess

I tend to dive into things and want to experience them like there is no tomorrow. Sometimes it is a bit too much and I need a break. But each time I discover something I like, I am so afraid it will be gone, and there will never be a repeat. I go deep, as deep as my body will let me, until I am absolutely exhausted. Maybe it is the newness of it all - of being able to actually feel things instead of repressing them. Maybe it is my childhood fear of everything good being only brief and vanishing as fast as it landed in my lap. Maybe it is something else - I'm not sure, but I know I have to find the balance of staying alert enough to be able to enjoy life.

No boundaries? Yes, still developing. No ability to say no? Yes, one of the remnants of being abused as a child. No way to tell when I have to stop? No feeling of being hungry or sleep deprived until I have to literally drop to rest? That was my usual escape from reality growing up - just keep myself busy, busy enough that maybe nobody will notice, maybe they will think me a good girl, maybe I won't be beaten or yelled at or worse. And so I kept busy, still am. How do I tell when to stop, how do I know it is enough? Even now, right this minute, my eyes are closing and I need to go to sleep, but I got this bug going, for writing, for processing things, to get them out of my system, that I can't stop. It has been itching for several days now, and no matter how tired I am, I have to spit it out. To understand why I'm so driven, why I can't put on brakes and worry about how I feel, how it would be best for me, without throwing myself out there and being ready to take on any load, even if it threatens to crush me. Without keeping to crawl forward until I can't keep my eyes open, until I can't physically move.

I try. I cancel things. I decide to slow down. And when I have time on my hands, I feel like I have to fill it in. With something - anything - to keep going forward, to not miss out on life. But maybe I am missing out just because I can't enjoy the quiet? What is it that is keeping me hanging? Why do I extend myself beyond healthy? How can I learn to love myself and know what I want, when I want it, and simply follow it - without the guilt, without turning my head around to make sure everybody is ok, without first making sure there is absolutely nothing that I have to do, and I can truly rest? Im not sure, but I know I'm on the verge again - on the verge of having my plate too full, and needing to stop to just gaze out there, into nothing, and being ok with not being suddenly busy with some new idea, or new activity, or new people. Ok being alone. Ok being not busy. Ok being quiet. Even if lasts only one evening - being able to sit and stare into the window, pick out branches in the street light, watch the rain, feel the warmth. Listen to my heartbeat, listen to the breath. Just be at peace, for once.

Photo by Katie Tegtmeyer.