After my birthday, I confronted my father
Wednesday, February 10, 2010 at 6:21PM Several days prior to my birthday, February 6th, I started feeling anxious again. From dealing with this in the past, I knew a memory was coming, and it was tied to a date. I couldn't believe until the last moment that it was my birthday, he did it on my birthday... Now there was no need to wonder why I could never remember any of my birthday celebrations - they were all blocked because of THAT one.
Each night the week before my birthday I slept less and less, until I couldn't sleep at all and had to go to a friend's house because I couldn't be in my own bed. My husband understood. After 11 years of living together, over the last year I slowly realized that I had projected the image of my father onto him. So on my birthday, I decided to go public about being an incest victim, to be reborn anew. My little sister responded by publicly declaring me insane. And it made me mad.
This disbelief was so infuriating that on the day after my birthday I picked up the phone and dialed my father's long-distance Russian number:
Ring, ring. He picks up the phone. My heart jumps out of my chest.
“Hello,” I say.
Silence. My palms go cold.
“Hello, dad, this is Ksenia.”
“What?” He asks abruptly.
I shake all over. “I remembered everything,” I say.
“Yes,” he says, somewhat distant, detached.
“I remembered who raped me.”
“Yes.”
“It was you.”
“Yes, yes,” he says with irritation.
“How could you do it?”
“Well, I’m glad to hear it. Best wishes to you. Farewell.”
Click. He dropped the phone.
“Goodbye,” I say into the receiver, now dead.
I didn’t know what to make of this – did he admit to everything, or was he talking to me like to a mad woman, agreeing with everything so she doesn’t get agitated? I was angry. I didn’t say all the foul words that I prepped for this, I couldn’t. I spoke softly. Argghh.
But later, a weight lifted off my chest. I no longer carried this problem, it was his to bear. I had freed myself. I did it. I was reborn.
Reader Comments (9)
Hi Ksenia - you're very brave to have made this phone call. I doubt you'll get all the answers you want or need as quickly as you'd like, but I'm so happy for you that you've committed to moving ahead, to heal, to not be a victim. I'm with you all the way.
don't we cut balls off to people that do that?
I'm proud of you, for making that call -- and, as ever, I'm here if you ever want to just talk and vent, or chat and smile -- remember, you're amazing for working through this, publicly, so that others know how to better deal with their own histories.
Thanks everybody, your words really help me.
Ksenia - this is very difficult and takes a lot of courage. Like you say there are many, but not with this kind of courage.Your action will atleast move the folks on the fence in the right direction.
All the best in your quest for freedom - knowing you need it and demanding it is 75% of the way there!
Truly are brave. I faced my abusers for 40 years. Didnt have the guts to ask them why. In the end i flipped and reported them. That was my only way in the end.
So proud of you
Henna x
Dear Henna, that is awesome that you did that! I am so proud of you - and I applaud you! Hugs. And let me know if you want to help out with my book.
Hi Ksenia~~
This is the first time I ever read your blog and don’t know why I did today.
Instantly while reading this my emotions rushed into my throat, my heart is racing and I feel angry immediately! I to am an incest survivor, several times over. Unfortunately I have no one to call. For me it started when I was 4 and continued until he (grandfather) died when I was 9. When I was 13 and an only child at the time, my mother dated a man with 7 children, 1 of his sons drown in a pool, a couple years later there was a fire, the youngest baby burnt to death along with her mother. This left 5 children with no where to go, my mother took those children in and the abuse started again from my new step-brother....a few years ago I told my step-father and he confronted his son who admitted it. I got some relief from that, but the silent anger still remains.
When I was in my early twenties I told my mother what her father did to me, she called me a liar, my grandmother called me a liar. It was insult on top of injury! It took many years and my mom putting the family puzzle pieces together that she (I think) now believes me. Raised Roman Catholic she tells me I must forgive him or I will be the one who goes to Hell. This I still struggle with… "Forgiveness", I will be 50 at the end of Jan. and it will be another year I bury my pain.
I wish you eternal peace and hope forgiveness can find its way into your heart! ~~
Dear Kathie,
Thank you so much for opening up! I had no idea. I would love to reconnect with you I you would be up for it, and I feel your pain.
Ksenia