A typical incestuous family

The more textbooks I read, the more data I uncover, the more I realize (with horror) that my family was a typical incestuous family - at least, based on the latest research. Here are common traits that emerged from studying families with father-daughter incest cases:

1. In an incestuous family, the father is the sole bread winner; the mother may work outside of home, but only occasionally, to "help out", as she is an immature and infantile individual, still attached to her own mother. The father is the domineering figure in the household, making all major decisions, with the family adhering to strict sexual labor division - my mother had no work and no income, no college education, only high-school (she was 18), my father was the bread winner (he was 35). Similar with my step-mother, when we were in Germany - she didn't work at first, only later for a little while, as a secretary (we stayed in Germany the total of 4 years).

2. In an incestuous family, the mother is either ill for a long period of time, hence separated from her daughter, or has a psychological disorder, making her absent from her daughter's life even if she is physically present - my mother was routinely hospitalized by her own mother, typically once in the spring, and once in the winter, for "better psychological health" - my grandma just put her away into the mad house, to get rid of her, at least temporarily. My grandmother and my great grandmother were the ones who raised me. I'm still puzzled as to who really tok care of me, since both of them worked full time.

3. In an incestuous family, the abused daughter is typically the older one, taking on the role of the "wife" and the "mother" for her father, doing many household chores and even becoming a caretaker for the younger children, if they are present - I'm the older sister, and when I lived in my mother's household, I remember trying to clean out the entire apartment - it was so dirty, nobody took care of it. I cried when I got exhausted, but I still persevered, all the way to the pile of dishes in the kitchen, probably several feet high. My mother never did anything in the house. In my father's household, when he took me to Germany (I was 11), I remember I had to do the dishes, sweep the floor in the kitchen, take out the trash, wash and wax (!) communal stairs in the apartment building, watch my little sister, and shop for groceries. Although my step-mom did the rest, it was still a lot for an 11 year old girl. I remember feeling like a "little mother" to my sister. Does it remind you of Cinderella? Me too. In another study, I have read about the Cinderella story being the story of incest, told in folklore - as it was the truth for so many women, for centuries. More on that in another blog post.

4. In an incestuous family, abuse children develop ritualized sexual behaviors early on, and carry them into adulthood; those are often an outcry for help from the child, but it in the incestuous family it is never noticed, worse, it is punished and the blame is being put on the child - I vividly remember how my father took me to his house on a holiday (I was 8), raped me when nobody was in the house, then told me that if I say anything to anyone, he will kill me. I believed him. Later that day, our extended family gathered for dinner, and I played with my cousins a game of drawing - the first person draws the head, folds the piece of paper so that the next person can't see it; the next person draws the torso, folds the paper again; then the third person draws the legs. Mine was the "legs" part, and I drew my father's naked legs with an erect penis and liquid dripping from it. What scandal ensued, when that piece of paper was unrolled for everyone to see. I'm still shivering from the sound of yelling - I was yelled at by my grandmother, and from that day on, I was labeled as dangerous, sexual, promiscous, bad, weird, crazy child. Bur nobody ever cared to ask me why I drew it - it was the only way I could tell (he said he'd kill me if I told, but he didn't say I couldn't draw). To this day, if I draw anything remotely close to a naked body or anything related in any way to a sexual activity, I fall into a panic attack (at best, my heart jumps out of my chest from terror). And yet, at the same time, if I'm out and about with my husband, looking for a book or a video to spice up an intimate evening, I prefer drawings as opposed to photographs or video. That incident shaped my life. And this personal trait of mine was a difficult decision for me to talk about on my blog, but I wanted the label of the dangerous sexual child to be off my shoulders - by publicly speaking about the reality of incest victim's behaviors, the myths, and the facts.

5. In an incestuous family, the attitude towards sex is usually negative, puritanical, it is a taboo that is never spoken about - in my family, there was never any talk about sex, so was I supposed to learn on my own? I did, I got pregnant at 17, which leads me to another typical trait:

6. A daughter from an incestuous family typically strives to end incest in any way she can, by either running away from home, getting pregnant, committing suicide, etc. - I ran away form home when I was 16, and promptly got involved with my first boyfriend, where protection from sex didn't even occur to me - of course, since I wasn't used to any consequences - and I got pregnant when 17. My daughter was born when I turned 18. My father was furious, he said if I was going to keep the baby, my brain would be no good, I would ruin my life. He told me I needed to do an abortion and go to school to make "something decent" out of myself. I'm glad I didn't listen to him. That was the last major assault from him that I tolerated. I moved in with my boyfriend, and we got married at 18 (divorced 4 years later).

7. A daughter from an incestuous family has a better chance of survival if she is able to find a strong mother figure outside of home, to feel protected, to heal - I found just such a person, in my mother-in-law - she was as powerful and dominant in her household, as my father was in his. And yet, that's exactly what I needed. I have to thank her for that - she scolded me, yelled at me, and yet she fed me, she took care of my daughter when I needed to study, she washed my clothes, she did all those things that my mother never did. And she loved me as much as a daughter - in between the bursts of anger at me for stealing her son - but it was enough. I felt safe in her apartment. I felt a solid wall of protection, and that's exactly what I needed - sadly, first, to realize that my marriage was coming to an end and was never going to work out, second, to see an example of a very strong woman, to become strong myself. And I did, I'm strong, and moving through this painful process is making me stronger every day.

8. There is much much more research for me to read - I just scratched the surface, so I will keep blogging about facts I find, on typical traits of incestuous families.

I'm sharing a lot in this post. I debated with myself whether or not I should share publicly so much detail, but I felt that without explaining the facts as they are, I would not be able to help others - others who can't speak up due to intense feelings of shame, guilt, and terror. I decided if I'm strong enough to do it, I must - for others. As in this lies my life's purpose.

Comments

[Dave Schappell]

Another great post, Ksenia -- this is amazing sharing, and I hope you continue -- people need to learn about these things, because it isn't something commonly discussed.