Inappropriate touch
Friday, February 26, 2010 at 11:01AM Whenever a man touches me, for whatever reason - be it someone in a crowded bus passing by and brushing me with his torso, a friend at a coffee shop extending a hand to comfort, someone at work putting his hand on my shoulder explaining something, my husband - every time I freeze and take it. Every time it takes me hours and sometimes days to hold that touch in my memory, until I understand that I never wanted it. It takes me several more days to work up the courage to confront the person about that touch - no matter what that person meant with it. Every touch that happens without my permission - is a touch I don't want. At present time I'm not able to distinguish between the caring touch and the touch that is driven by sexual desire. I have realized this in my therapy session last week.
Every time when I go through a panic attack and a subsequent memory, my body convulses (though less violently now than it was last month). As of this month, I try to contain my memory work to therapy sessions (it's much uglier if it happens publicly and I have to call 911 on myself). When in session, my therapists comfort me, with words, sometimes they hold my hands. My female therapist (I draw in her sessions) often holds my hands; my male therapist (I talk through my memories in his sessions) only asked me recently if it was ok to hold my hands, and last week at a session while I was relieving yet another memory he held my hands and wiped tears from my eyes with a paper napkin. He didn't ask me whether or not he can hold my hands. When he started wiping off my tears, I got tense, and for the whole week after the session I felt that he has violated my private space. I decided to never see him again, as he behaved inappropriately in my mind. And yet, I have also realized that I have no idea how to distinguish between an appropriate and an inappropriate touch - ANY touch from ANY man without my permission seems inappropriate to me due to my early experiences. I decided to talk to my therapist instead of running away (which was my solution for any problem in my life). I talked to him today, he was very surprised at first, then acknowledged that he crossed the line, didn't take into consideration my state of being, felt compassionate as if to a daughter, and apologized. That was a big step for me - I't getting stronger. I was able to talk to him about it. This therapist is an extraordinary man who helped me a lot, and the fact that he is much older than me, close to the age of my father, triggers things and allows them to get out. We had a good talk today, and I will continue my therapy with him, concentrating on learning my own personal boundaries and understanding that not all touch means "I want sex from you and I will take it whether you want it or not, because you're my property".
I have also realized that my reaction was very strong, because the wiping of the tears triggered another memory - I think (and I say I think because it is only a feeling, I haven't fully remembered it yet) that my father wiped my tears, after. He'd be nice and loving, after. I learned that I had to go through hell, to earn his love. But I hated it - I hated it, I hated, I hated it! I hated myself - hated my helplessness, my submissiveness, my inability to hurt him back, my weakness - my weak little arms and legs that were no match to his. I hated myself so deeply that I've decided:
1. I'm not worthy of love unless I go through enormous pain to earn it.
2. I'm weak; if anyone touches me, there is no point in objecting, because it will only make it more painful, it's easier to just suffer through it (I'm very pain tolerant because of this, and I hate this ability of mine, I wish I was like one of those ladies in the movies from 1940's, fainting at the sight of a mouse).
3. I need to find a father who will care for me. For years, I've been attracted to older men. I would linger in the auditoriums after my class was over (in college) to get that last word with a professor, confirming my good work or upcoming good grade; I would seek out an image of a father in every man - I've projected it on my first husband, and after him, I've projected it on my second husband, as well as all boyfriends in between.
4. I will be a good girl. I will be so good that he won't hurt me anymore. I will do every chore, every request, every wish of his, and I will do it so well that he will absolutely love me. I became a perfectionist and a workaholic.
I longe for touch - I want it so badly - I want every person on the street to notice me, stop, smile, and give me a hug.
I'm terrified of touch - I don't want anyone ever touching me anywhere. I want every person on the street to walk around me at least three yards away, to give me space, to respect my space.
How can I live with these two opposite wishes? I have to learn how to distinguish between the wanted and the unwanted touch. The first step for me started at home - with my husband. He asks me every time, before touching me - can I hug you? Is it ok if I hold your hand? Can I hug you really tight? Can I kiss you? Can I hold you? And I say "yes" most of the time, but I'm so grateful to him for asking me, every single time. I'm healing. Soon, I will be able to accept hugs from others, without freezing inside, giving true love and caring back. Soon, but not yet.
Reader Comments (3)
Ksenia - You may want to check out Professor Elizabeth Loftus who now teaches at UC Irvine (http://www.seweb.uci.edu/faculty/loftus/). She worked at UW until politics forced her to move to a university where her work is appreciated. Her work in repressed memory has helped to shape much of the current thinking - and debate - within the justice system and in society. Much of her work balanced the real with the imagined in validating sexual victims' repressed memories. Sorting everything out requires a lot of therapy and even more input from as many sources as possible to understand what is real. We're all following your journey and progress closely and marvel at your unwavering courage in confronting this unspeakable childhood horror.
Robert Schwarz and Stephen Gilligan (1995) go even further in their criticism:
Loftus's application of her experimental research to the recovered memory debate is often reckless and misleading. She implies that since much of memory is malleable, nothing within memory is really believable. Most memory research, however, is really about the distortion of details, not central events.... Yet she plays the great debating trick of saying that since some memory is likely to be distorted, all memory is likely to be distorted, and no memory of childhood abuse should be believed unless corroborating, objective evidence can be found. (p. 22)
Since Loftus has testified as an expert witness in court cases more than any other false memory advocate, her shocking misapplication of her research has presumably had a seriously negative impact on the outcome of many trials.
I found this post disturbing, which it should be. What a terrible thing you have been through and yet how courageous of you to write openly about it. As a father myself I cannot imagine how any father would put his own sexual pleasure over his duty to protect the innocence of his child and instill self-worth. I'm glad that you have found professionals that can help you work through your past, and I hope you know that regardless of how you have been victimized in the past, you can make whatever future for yourself that you want to. Don't let it define you, overcome it and soar above it, however hard that may seem. You have our support!