It is my little sister's birthday... but I'm afraid to call

Dear sister, this is a letter to you - Happy Birthday! I really want to call you, but I'm afraid of your reaction. I know you don't want any communication with me and you think I'm crazy. You think I'm framing our father because I want a revenge for my poor childhood - but it is not true. All I want is the truth to be heard and my life back. The truth about the unthinkable things he did to me and thought they will never come out, precisely because they are so unthinkable, that nobody will believe me.

I really care for you and I miss you and I love you. I wish you all the best in your life, your family, your future. I'm afraid to call because your disbelief will knock me out of my normal state for about a week. I can't do that to my health, as I have a family on my hands, I have to be a mother, instead I turn into a little 5 year old, protecting myself, crying, and hiding into a little corner, trying to disappear.

I'm bewildered at your reaction - you believe our father, who was always violent - both verbally and physically - to both of us, and to our mothers. You don't believe me - your sister who wants only the best for you, who, I agree, was not the best older sister, and I apologize for that. I was not warm to you, because I didn't know how to be warm. I sometimes yelled at you, because that's what I've learned from our father as normal. I was jealous of you not doing any chores, when I had to do the dishes, take out the garbage, and wax the stairs - I didn't understand that you couldn't do it because you were little, and I'm sorry for that. I remember when you didn't do what I asked you to do, I got mad and sometimes I sat on top of you, pinning your arms and legs and grinning because you couldn't move. I'm so so sorry about this, please forgive me. But I also remember that you loved it when I taught you how to draw, when I took you to disco with me to dance (though our parents were so mad at me after), when we made those little dragons and other figurines from Suralin and baked them in the oven, to give as presents for Christmas to our neighbors. When we spent time together, as two sisters.

I love you, please forgive me that I can't call, but I'm not strong enough yet to be able to handle your anger. I know you're angry, because it seems like the whole world is about to collapse, and it's all because of me. You have constructed a happy bubble around yourself, and I poked it. I'm sorry, but the truth is - we never had a happy family, the happy bubble is fake, and sooner or later it will burst. Then, I hope, you will come back to me, to hug each other, and to cry together. You have a wonderful husband, who will take you away from that dreadful city, so that you two can build your own little happy family, with the real happy bubble around it - and I would love to help you and be part of your life in the future. Please, don't push me away.

I love you.

Your big sister.

Comments

[Sarah Olson]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this jumbled mix of feelings and memories. And not being believed by your sister. In my own case, my two years older sister was abused along with me. But we are estranged mostly because she wanted me to keep it all a quiet secret when I began remembering 15 years ago. She wanted me to just forget it all again, and I couldn't. Even if I wanted to. More than that, I refused.

I also cannot call her because we have so few subjects that she does not deem controversial and off limits. We speak a few times a year, and it's always as if nothing ever happened. It's sad. I cannot drag her along to her own recovery, and I risked dragging my own down trying to do it. So I had to let go of the idea that we would someday be sisters fighting the good fight together.

I just wanted you to know there are people who truly understand the pain you are feeling.

Take care,

Sarah