Trying to be a better parent
Monday, March 1, 2010 at 8:07PM I'm constantly judging myself against my parents - how can I be better? Am I better? What else can I make better?
I'm not an ideal parent, I have done many things in the heat of the moment, only to realize later that I've repeated my parent's behavior pattern - yell, ignore, scold, shove into the room and slam the door, forget to check in, get annoyed by their tears, be cold and unemotional - the list goes on and on. Every time I do any of this, hours later, once I understand what I did, I want to strangle myself. I want to go and hit the wall with my head until I make a big bloody hole in it. I hate myself for repeating what my parents did, because I know how it feels on the inside, and I am terrified of making even one mistake that could create trauma to my kids.
Somehow, by some strange instinct, I've avoided inflicting pain to my kids, the way my parents did to me.
When I was 18 and gave birth to my daughter, my life turned upside down. I had someone to care for, and my whole life didn't exist anymore - it was only that perfect pink baby that mattered. I loved this baby so much, and yet when she grew a little older and started waling and talking, if she didn't listen to me, I would go into a fit of rage and would desperately try to contain it - by pinching myself or hitting the wall, but sometimes I didn't manage to contain it, and I would hit her on the back of her head or on her bottom, sometimes light, sometimes harder. She would cry. The sound of her crying would make me almost blind. For years I've been trying to stop my reaction, to find the root for it. Without knowing where it came from, I found a solution, I would just shove my daughter into her room and then hold the door closed, while I was taking time to calm down. I was living as a single mom at the time (I was 21). I would then calm down, feed her dinner, put her to bed, and when she'd fall asleep, I would sit next to her bed and cry for hours, asking her for forgiveness. I'm glad she forgave me, now, as a teenager - she understood me, and she supported me. But still... I didn't understand where my anger came from, so I developed a technique - I hit the wall in a particular way - so that my knuckles really hurt.
When I met my second husband (the love of my life), my daughter was 4. We moved in together with him, and he helped tremendously - he had a patience of an elephant. He still has more patience than me. Together with him and my daughter, we came to US and started a new life here. I still couldn't understand where my anger fits came from, so I started reading books on parenting and on anything related to raising healthy kids. I have developed another technique - talking. I would try to talk through the anger, and in this way I taught my daughter to be the best arguer ever - but I saved her from more hitting.
When we decided to have our son, I thought I was better prepared, but I was an emotional wreck again when I couldn't contain my anger. With my husband, I have developed another technique - if I was angry, I would just leave the house and not come back until I calmed down. I would walk up and down the street, and that helped. It was hard to explain to our little son, but it was better than hitting him.
When I was diagnosed with ADD and was put on medication, my anger issues almost disappeared, I was simply subdued by drugs, but I was calm. Now, for the first time in 5 years, I'm off my ADD meds, and I'm not angry anymore. I have realized that the anger was directed towards my father, I was projecting his image onto both my ex-husband (when we were married) and my husband, and hence on "the unwanted children from my father". Once I understood it, the inability to hear a child cry was gone. It evaporated. It still triggers an old response, but I'm aware of it - and I stop it before it even starts.
Am I a better parent? I hope so. I've tried as hard as I could. Maybe I need to try harder. But after reading numerous books, I understood one thing - to be the best parent, I must have space. I must have enough space in my heart for my kids - if I have space, I will listen, I will care, I will hug, and I will be there for them. If I have no space, if the space is occupied by my own problems, by my own unsolved childhood fears and emotions - I can't be a parent. Hence my terror of going into panic attacks and remembering - this was the time my husband had to parent me - I was incapable of being a mom, I was a scared little girl.
Remember the flight safety demonstration by flight attendants? Put on the oxygen mask - first on yourself, then on your child. That is very true. I have learned that no book in the world will make me a better mom, it can only be me. I have to parent myself, to be able to parent my kids. If I'm angry, I haven't taken care of myself - and my kids suffer. That is how I parent now - if my son is upset because I have to go to therapy, I cringe at his crying, but I'm firm. The crying actually stops pretty fast, but after therapy - I come back with enough energy for another week - to have space for both of my kids, to be fully present with them. It helped me to become a healthy parent. I understood that by fully giving myself to them and by lynching myself for not being perfect - I'm not helping myself, neither am I helping them. I feel like giving myself to them - because my mom never gave herself to me. I understood there is always a balance. Without having anything formyself - there is nothing for me to give.
I feel like I'm a better parent, and a healthier parent. I commit to keeping this up.
Reader Comments (2)
I trust that by now you've come to realize how unusual you are in a very unique way. Most people manage to go through an entire lifetime before reaching the enlightenment that you've attained in a few short years - or for some, never at all.
I have often wondered why some people become so hard-wired at any early age and never seem to be able to find the next step to "unwire" themselves. I've always suspected that most people have every emotion, personality and phobia built into them at birth, good, bad or otherwise. But most of us manage to navigate these waters and grow up "normal." However, when you see awful programs like "To Catch a Predator" in which they publicly entrap pedophiles, one has to wonder just how many of these people are completely hardwired that way mentally and cannot stop themselves no matter what they do? Just like so many drug and alcohol addicts are compelled to do so their entire lives. Others such as yourself, manage to keep evolving and growing over your lifetime to become a better version of who you want to be.
Environment? Mental "wiring"? Family? Therapy? Medication? Maybe a combination of all of these? Keep exploring and sharing, Ksenia. It's good for all of us.
You know, this is the question I ask myself every single day - how come I turned out the way I did? What factors helped, what people helped? What is critical - food, DNA, parenting, friends, teachers, environment, or maybe something completely different? I'm reading as much as I can on the subject, and I will share everything I find here, on this blog.
Thanks for your comment.