Always feeling responsible, for everything
Tuesday, March 16, 2010 at 7:57PM If I'm in a crowd and someone steps on my foot, I say "sorry". If I ask my employee to do something for me, I apologize first. If someone asks me for help, it's hard for me to say no, and if I do, I feel guilty. If nobody does the job that needs to get done, I feel I have to do it. I never ask for help. I always try to do things myself. I don't know what it's like to feel free of this guilt and responsibility. I have had this put on me by my parents. Whatever was their fault, ended up being my guilt. This constant responsibility was hard-wired into my brain from an early age - and it screams everyday at me as I try to root it out.
I'm tired of it.
I am NOT responsible for everything. I realize I have to stand up and stomp on the floor, like a little girl, to let the anger out. To let that girl be a girl and not a grown-up that she had to be. The little me. To stomp and scream and boil and kick and protest. I was never able to do that, and I need to do it now. The truth is - my parents no longer use me for their own unmet needs - I continue doing it to myself. I don't really know how to get rid of this, but I do know that it's there. And I do know that I try to pull it out of myself, little by little, everyday. I start with little things.
I used to react to my husband pointing out how he would like to do things. Like tonight, my daughter was showing me and my son this new TV series called Chuck. Simple, funny, hero type stuff. We all sat down to watch, when my husband came home. He made a face and said that he'd rather watch American Idol. This usually would set me up, boiling. In that moment, I always felt guilty. I felt I didn't do something right, and now he was telling me to switch off the channel to something else. I caught myself opening my mouth, and I closed it without saying a word. My husband happily piled up his dinner and sat down to watch together with us. It was just a remark he made about how he felt! I never saw this before. I reacted to it, instead of understanding that this was HIS feeling about the show, and it had nothing to do with ME. Being silent is the first step. In the future I hope I will be able to offer compassion, as in "I know! But check this out - the kids like it!"
Reader Comments (4)
I am so glad to have stumbled on you and your powerful blog! You hit is home every day. Love sharing and discussing it with others.
Catherine
I am glad it is helping:)
It is unbelievable the guilt I carry with me 24 hours a day, the majority of it for things I have no control over. I am continually asking my husband, "are you mad at me?" He will say, "For what?" and I have no good response. If I am at a concert and there are empty seats I even feel guilty that more people didn't show up. When I watch a reality show and someone is voted off, I feel somehow responsible and guilty. It's RIDICULOUS. I can't escape this feeling that absolutely everything is my fault. I am trying so hard to let go. But I find that like other things - learning to let go of anger, learning to rid my life of unnecessary fears and paranoid habits, allowing myself to enjoy sex, reaching the point where I no longer hate myself - this is another thing that seems so intangible. I know where I have to be and where I want to be but how do I GET there? If someone said my problems would be over if I walked across the U.S. I would do it. I would buy a good pair of hiking shoes, quit my job and fly to Seattle. I would make that progress one tangible, solid step at a time. But I feel like I am constantly spinning because I don't know how to literally get to where I need to be. Any suggestions?
You are already doing the first step - which is recognizing that you actually feel guilty. The next step is allowing yourself to feel it fully blown. It will hurt but you won't be able to get over it until I actually allow yourself to feel it and reprocess it. Meaning, you continue feeling guilty as you felt when you were little. Back then you didn't know where your feeling was coming from, so it ruled you. Now you do know. Now when you are feeling it fully blown you will be able to reprocess it as an adult, and out it behind. If you can, have someone to support you when you feel it - it's very hard to feel it. Meaning, DONT ESCAPE IT. Let it be. Try it and let me know what happened.