Retraining my bladder
Friday, March 19, 2010 at 2:18AM The entire story of me remembering being sexually abused started with a very simple problem - I got a bladder infection. Or so I thought. A bladder infection is common - I thought I probably sat on something cold, or maybe I sat down on a not so clean public toilet. In any case, I simply went to see my physician, thinking he would give me some magic medicine, and I would magically heal. That's how it was in the past. It's not how it went this time.
I saw my physician, he asked for a urine sample, sent it to lab, lab came back with bacteria confirmation, I was given a typical antibiotic, and waltzed away. Three days later, nothing improved. I needed to go pee every hour or so. I thought, well, it will improve eventually. It didn't. I needed to go pee every 30 minutes. It became very uncomfortable, especially in business meetings. I couldn't sit still, my bladder burned even if I had to wait only 5 minutes. I went to the physician again. He asked for a urine sample. The sample got lost. It took the lab two weeks to get back to me after I gave them another sample. The lab didn't find any bacteria. I went to see the physician again and complained about the pain. He shrugged his shoulders and gave me a much stronger antibiotic. This one I had to take for 10 days. I did. Nothing improved. It got worse. It got so bad that one night I had to call a doctor to come in to our house - luckily my husband's insurance covered this new service. The doctor came, took a urine sample, gave me another antibiotic. For 10 days. This one helped a bit. Then it got bad again.
Frustrated, I went to see my ObGyn - she gave me another antibiotic. For 7 days. I took it all, no results. That day I went online to investigate what it is that might be happening. I found an article about interstitial cystitis and I cried after reading it. I didn't want to live like this my whole life, the article said I had little chance. I didn't know what else to do.
In a few weeks I was seeing my friend who does my facials - once a year or so, since I couldn't afford her more often. I told her about my pain, and she sent me to her friend, a naturopath. This was the beginning to my healing, but I didn't know that yet. The first thing the naturopath did was changing my diet to no gluten, no milk products, no red meat, no sugar - to stop irritating the walls of my bladder. This diet was tough at first, especially at breakfast time (I forgot to mention no eggs). It helped a little bit, but not much. The naturopath suggested I do a treatment of craniosacral therapy, and only there finally I understood that the reason for my bladder pain was psychosomatic, but it was so old and so forgotten that it turned into real pain, only this pain was not curable with antibiotics, it was only curable through therapy.
My first real memory came to me during the craniosacral therapy session - all of my memories were stored in my body, and they started coming out. Slowly, together with going to another therapist and reading books, I understood that the painful bladder syndrome in reality was an old signal from my nervous system to my brain about a foreign object being inside my body. In my case, my father's penis. When I was 5 or 6, when he got into his first fit of rage with me and raped me for the first time, the pain was so intense, that I thought I was going to die. After I realized what this was about, I understood that this was my body's cry for help - it was telling me - hear me, hear me please, it hurts. Why didn't I feel it before? Because I have disassociated from my body in that moment, to survive the pain, I taught my brain to ignore the pain signals from my bladder, and over the years I pushed it deeper and deeper. Why bladder and not vagina? I went to my ObGyn for the explanation - together, we looked at anatomy of a 5 year old girl. The vagina is the size of a finger, very small and narrow, but the bladder is like a big ball right behind it - as opposed to both being somewhat similar sizes in grown women. If an erect penis enters a girl's vagina, it tears it apart, but it also hits the bladder walls almost directly in the process of the intercourse. Hence the intense pain. The most bizarre part of all of this is that the vagina heals very fast - so if no examination has been done in the first 24 hours after the rape, it is almost impossible to detect (read this article for more info). But the bladder gets damaged for life. (Unfortunately, or fortunately, I am very flexible and didn't tear at all when delivering both of my kids - that explains to me how it could happen - although it is still very hard for me to accept).
I started wondering how many women with the painful bladdef syndrome are experiencing psychosomatic pain due to rape in childhood - according to the numbers I found, every 3rd girl is sexually abused.
My ObGyn and me both cried, then we talked about what to do. She said I can retrain my bladder - retrain the nerves around it, so that they would stop sending the signal about the pain that is no longer there. She said - talk to it, talk to your bladder. She said - every time it burns, say - "I hear you, I hear your pain, I got you. But, I'm the boss, and I will tell you when we will go pee." She said that the typical time to hold urine should be 3 hours, not less, but that I should start at 30 minutes. She said - don't cheat, or it won't work.
I bought myself a watch with a timer and set out to pee on time. The next several weeks were a roller coaster - I had to stop the car in the middle of driving and go look for a restaurant with a restroom, I had to once go hide in the bushes, I couldn't sit through a movie, and I couldn't sleep through the night. My son learned to tell me to go pee when my watch beeped. Today, I reached 3 hours! Today, my bladder didn't burn at work in the morning AT ALL - and I went to the restroom at 3 hours. I have been sleeping through the night without waking up every couple hours! Of course, if I drink tea, I have to go more often, but tomorrow I can stop the timer! It's still painful and burning, but it's better! This pain has been driving me crazy, and finally I am getting rid of it. My bladder is retrained.
Reader Comments (6)
You are one of the strongest woman I know. Bless you!
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Thank you so much for this blog. After on and off bladder infections over the course of two years, I finally found out the reason I was receiving them so frequently. I was able to remember and admit in June that I was raped multiple times by my grandfather. Since I realized the connection, I have been able to work my way through them and focus on the links and the causes instead of running to the doctor for an antibiotic. I am currently smack dab in the middle of another "episode." It's almost 5 a.m. and I have been up all night peeing every few minutes. It burns so bad. I was laying on my couch trying to figure out WHY BLADDER INFECTIONS?? So I googled it and came across your blog. I understand now that a) I'm not alone and b) there is a reason why. I never understsood why the pain I was reliving was in my bladder and not my vagina.
Thank you for sharing such intimate details with the cyber world. Your column was very inspiring and comforting.
OMG - I'm so so sorry you're having to go through this pain! It sucks big time. I'm happy though that I was able to help, and I'm happy you're admitting what happened - once you're through the hell, it will be over! My pain is gone now, and I thought it would never be gone.
I've never posted anything online before. Ive never spoke what I'm about to say and ask to anyone ever. I hope I'm not out of line asking this question. When I was a little girl my brother would touch me and make me touch him.It's making me nausea just saying this out loud in my head.Every time the thoughts or memories would pop into my head,I would push them out.Also I had a uncle living with us who would make me show him my vagina and he would make me urinate while he watched. It was never intercourse. But I remember dry humpng. Until ejaculating. I can't believe I'm saying this after 41 years. I'm so embarrassed and guilt ridden, that it makes me sick to my stomach. OMG, OMG I'm not sure I can even say this. I may have even ejaculated myself. How could I.My question is, is this considered sexual abuse? I never remember a penis entering my vagina.I know this has ruined every relationship in my life. Its ruined everything in my life.It consumes every thought. There is so much more to this horrible life I've lived so far, but I also know it could have been a lot.
worse.I ve had bladder infections my whole life.I've been in horrible pain the last few hours.I CANT believe I just typed this.I'm sry if this doesn't make much since its 6:37 n the morning., I've been in severe pain all night.I also should add, I see these men all the time at family events. The craziest thing is I'm more hurt by mother, cause I think she knew then, and I told her in recent years in a round about way and her response. Well you should have told me then
Dear Carmen - yet, it is considered abuse - and I feel for you. I'm sorry you have so much pain after so many years still in you - but thank you so much for saying this out-loud - this is the first step to getting rid of the pain, and I can guarantee you - you can get rid of it all together. Just have faith and tell your story - until all of it is out - ok?