Alice in Wonderland – a survivor’s testimony? Part 3.

Chapter 7. A Mad Tea-Party.

This chapter is both hilarious and sad. It is probably my favorite one because in it pure madness is described - without hinting much at abuse - one thing is very clear, though - Alice speaks back to the mad hatter - she is strong and she walks away when she is disgusted. Notice how she reacts differently to others in the story - and by others I mean women. Alice seems to have no problem defending herself when she talks to men, but freezes and allows emotional abuse by women - first it was the duchess, and now it is the queen. This makes me think that if Charles indeed suffered from abuse in his childhood, it was from the hands of a woman, perhaps his mother. Or, perhaps, he a did a gender reversal - portraying himself as a girl, and his abuser as a woman.

Chapter 8. The Queen's Croquet Ground.

As the story progresses, Alice becomes bolder and bolder in her tone when addressing the queen, and she remarks several times that there is nothing to be afraid of - they are simply cards. Same with all my memories - I stopped having panic attacks when I realized that those were just memories, I wasn't in real danger anymore, I was simply reliving my past. The queen's remark "Off with her head!" or "Off with his head!" is curiously tied in my mind with disassociation from the body - whenever I had an abuse incident, I would feel like my head was cut off. When I went to see a dentist in January, I opened my mouth and for the first time realized why I can hold it open for so long, in one position, without any discomfort. By the time my appointment was done, I almost lost consciousness and had to ask the nurse to call my husband to come get me, as I couldn't move - my head was the only piece of my body that operated - the rest felt dead, cut off, gone. I couldn't move my legs when my husband came and he had to walk me around the dentist's office a couple times until the feeling returned to my legs. Cutting the head off is also connected in my mind with the fear of having one's penis being cut off. When Alice watches the Duchess feeding the baby, one plate nearly misses the baby's nose, and Alice is terrified - she says "there goes his precious nose!" - which is again often a phallic symbol. Interestingly, the cat's head can't be cut off - not by the queen or anybody else. He seems to have some magic to him - and the fascination from Alice - just like I had the fascination with eyes - my father's eyes - at the same time I was terrified of them. For Alice it was the smile.

Chapter 9. The Mock Turtle's Story

The beginning of this chapter is a pure abuse episode - I shuddered when I read it. After a futile attempt at executing the cat, all soldiers go back to the game; Alice walks off with the Duchess, while the Duchess comes very close to Alice and digs her chin (!) into Alice's shoulder while giving her "morals" - "...she squeezed herself up closer to Alice's side as she spoke. Alice did not much like her keeping so close to her: first because the Duchess was very ugly; and secondly, because she was exactly the right height to rest her chin on ALice's shoulder, and it was an uncomfortably sharp chin. However, she did not like to be rude: so she bore it as well as she could." All the while Alice carries a flamingo in her right hand, which to me symbolizes the male sexual organ, as the Duchess says: "I dare say you're wondering why I don't put my arm round your waist," the Duchess said, after a pause: "the reason is, that I'm doubtful about the temper of your flamingo. Shall I try the experiment?" "He might bite," Alice cautiously replied, not feeling at all anxious to have the experiment tried."

In this awkward position, for 2 pages, Alice and Duchess continue having a conversation, or, rather, Alice continues to suffer from the Duchess's sharp chin without even trying to push her away. When Alice stops talking, the Duchess verbally diminishes her to a pig: "Thinking again?" the Duchess asked, with another dig of her sharp little chin. "I've a right to think," said Alice sharply, for she was beginning to feel a little worried. "Just about as much right," said the Duchess, "as pigs have to fly..." Thankfully, the queen interrupted the whole interaction. I'm still shaking after reading it. The Queen sends Alice to the Gryphon, to listen to the sad history of the Mock Turtle, while the Gryphon keeps ordering Alice about.

Chapter 10. The Lobster-Quadrille.

Nothing much happens here except more word-play with songs and dialogue, which I love - Charles must have been enjoying writing these parts as it posed a serious puzzle to the reader. 

Chapter 11. Who Stole the Tarts?

Now we come to the trial. Alice is supposed to testify on what she has never witnessed - someone stealing Queen's tarts. She witnesses the chaos of the trial where the King doesn't quite know how to be the judge, the White Rabbit tries to bring some order to the ceremony, the guinea pigs are "suppressed", and the mad hatter gets scared out of his shoes but escapes the beheading.

Chapter 12. Alice's Evidence.

Alice begins to grow, tosses the jurymen out of their box, and stands up to testify. I like this, to me this is a metaphor of growing up to be an adult, and not being afraid anymore - which is exactly what Alice does - she sees all trial participants as nothing more but little animals and a deck of cards. She becomes powerful, she speaks back, she doesn't tolerate the abuse and the nonsense anymore - "Who cares for you? said Alice (she had grown to her full size by this time). "You're nothing but a pack of cards!" At this the whole pack rose up into the air, and came flying down upon her..."

I don't know, and will never find out, what tale did Charles really wanted to tell, but I did have a feeling of connection with him - a connection on a different level that can only occur between two survivors. 

Charles finished (I think) with the explanation of him being a grown man and telling this story to other children through his book - only he portrays himself as a grown Alice, "how she would keep, through all her riper years, the simple and loving heart of her childhood; and how she would gather about her other little children , and make their eyes bright and eager with many a strange tale, perhaps even with the dream of Wonderland of long ago; and how she would feel with all their simple sorrows, and find a pleasure in all their simple joys, remembering her own child-life, and the happy summer days."

I cried over these last words - I do feel the simple sorrows of others, I have somehow not turned into a perpetrator (which is still a mystery to me as to why some do and some don't). I have intense compassion for everyone who ever suffered as a child from any abuse, and do feel for you Charles, even if the world thinks I'm wrong. Thanks for the wonderful tale. You mentioned one, as Alice, that a book ought to be written about you - and you did write it. Thanks for the inspiration.