Pacing
Monday, March 29, 2010 at 9:01PM Such a curious word - pacing. I don't understand what it means. I am not used to pacing, I am used to things being shoved onto my plate whether I want it or not, I am used to swallowing things without thinking, even if it is more than I can digest. I was never asked for permission, about anything - I was expected to comply. I don't have to comply anymore, and I am learning the meaning of this simple word - pacing.
This word came up today in therapy, when I wanted to draw another picture, the picture of the train, the train that was perhaps the first scene of my first rape - I was 5 and my father was dropping me off at the week-long daycare - to get my brain educated with other children from his work (from other highly intellectual parents). He hasn't seen me since I was 1, since my mother and me left Germany. 4 years later, my mother filed for divorce, they divorced (this area is still murky in terms of facts, I'm still determining which came first), and shortly thereafter he came back to Moscow. They got together again. He told my mom that he hates her for the fact that he loves her so much. My mom got pregnant, but when she told him and asked him what to do now, he just laughed it off, saying it will simply cost him a bit more to pay the alimony. My mom got so angry, she made an abortion, and she told him she was leaving him now for good. Which incident prompted him to get his anger out on me, remains a mystery to me - was it the fact that she dared to file a divorce with him, or was it the fact that she dared to do an abortion? In any case, he took me to that daycare - and I can't quite place yet if it was in the car or in the train, I think it was a train. In between the train cars. I remember the pattern of the iron slabs moving under my feet, and the running ground underneath - it is engraved in my memory as if I saw it yesterday, but the other details I haven't recovered yet, and I honestly don't want to - but I do know that whether I want it or not, it will come out.
Today I wanted to draw the train, and I also told the therapist that I really don't want to, today, maybe next week. She said, I should trust myself, I should pace myself to not exhaust myself emotionally. I gave myself permission to pace. I allowed myself to not go into the deep dark place of the first incest incident. I didn't know I could do that - I didn't know I'm allowed to pace things. I'm learning what pacing means.
Such a simple word - pacing. Such a world of difference.
I am taking a step back, to review everything I have been through. To take a bird's eye view, breathe in, breathe out, and dive in again. I am noticing that I'm going through phases - last year was all about "I have been sexually abused, I'm starting to remember". Then the few last months of last year were about "Who did it?" Then December was about "It was my father. No, I don't believe it, it couldn't have been my father. Yes, it was him." January was a panic attack month - as if I opened up an ancient faucet and the rusty dirty hot water splattered out of it - memories flooded me. First week of February was "I want to kill myself" week - I was walking around with 100+ very strong sleeping pills (prescribed because of my ADD's lack of sleep), planning on how I could do it without anyone noticing for a long time, so I could really die, and one night in the kitchen I tried to open myself with a knife - it wasn't sharp enough, and I stopped short from drawing blood, but I did trace my stomach about 20 times or so. After my birthday, on February 6th, I started this blog, with the goal to be reborn - and I started the "analyzing it all" phase - thinking about incest, gathering facts, reading books, etc. Now it seems like it is time to have a "stepping back" phase.
I am going backpacking this Wednesday for 3 days, so I won't be blogging from Wednesday till the weekend, and I hope to learn a bit more of this magical word "pacing". I like how it sounds - similar to the word peace.
Reader Comments (3)
Pacing is good. I look at everything as a marathon and not a sprint: Life, startups, relationships.
When I was a child, I learned to depend on myself at any early age and realized that I didn't need to compete with others to better myself. Instead, I motivated myself by being self-competitive. In other words, I drive myself harder than I drive others. When you do this, it also sets a tone for your employees. Setting the example makes for good leadership.
Pacing means patience and knowing yourself. Hope you have a great getaway!
Pacing is also an osteo / spine procedure wherein the lower spine is targeted at a massage progress while moving upwards to the upper spine. The chiropractor does this.
Oh, I've never heard of this one before - thanks for the tip!