Allowing myself to be happy
Saturday, March 6, 2010 at 7:26PM I’ve noticed that I’m the one making my life miserable – I no longer have my father telling me I’m stupid, it’s me telling me I’m stupid. As soon as I feel happy, I have a thought in my head – I can’t be happy. Something will be wrong, I’ve done everything wrong – it will all turn out wrong. I’m bad, so bad, I just can’t be happy. I immediately sulk and don’t permit myself to enjoy anything. From what I’ve read, all abuse victims do that to themselves, punish themselves at the absence of the violent parent. I decided to put a stop to that – that is, after I realized that it’s me doing this. For years, I have not been able to see it. Now I’m winning little victories, one day at a time.
When I bike home, I now permit myself to stop and inhale the air, to smell the flowers, and to smile. I banish the thought in my head, the thought that tells me to keep going – because I will be late, I will break my pace, I will have trouble picking up speed if I stop – anything but to let myself be happy.
When I’m hungry, I permit myself to stop whatever it is that I’m doing and take a break, to eat food, to eat good food, to even go to a restaurant and take time to chew the food, pick out what I want on the menu, then savor every piece of it. I’ve noticed that I get more satisfied if I take the time to enjoy the eating process.
Today, I’ve allowed myself to enjoy cooking – this simple task was absent from my home chores for so long, that my husband started cooking, or we take out dinners from the local teriyaki place. Today I wanted to cook, and I took time doing it. I cooked borscht (from my grandma’s recipe) - I haven’t cooked it in months, if not in a year. I took time to cut carrots, and beets, and slice the garlic – and it turned out wonderful – I could taste the love in it. My daughter was astounded, she said – I thought you didn’t like to cook! I thought so too – but I’m getting rid of my father’s image and his demands on me doing the dishes - no matter how well I did them, he always found a spot on the plate to shove under my face, to yell that it was not clean. I don’t have him hovering in my thoughts anymore, and I enjoyed cooking today. I didn’t hate the kitchen the way I usually do.
I’ve paused my novel writing. Many of my friends tried to persuade me to keep going no matter what – but I’ve lost the image of my father telling me – finish it, no matter what it costs you, finish it, make it into a book. My therapist lately noticed that I want to turn everything into a book, as if it’s not of value if it isn’t published. I realized I have been living like this my whole, and instead of my father, I tortured myself. Any book I start reading, I finish, even if I don’t like it. It’s a rule for everything. I must finish, even if I don’t like it. A terrible thought crossed my mind at these words – I remembered masturbating my father, I had to finish him off, I couldn’t not finish him. I hated every second of it, but I trained myself to persevere. My right arm would convulse violently fast in panic attacks – it reenacted the movement. But, I don’t have to do this anymore. I don’t have to do what I hate, I don’t have to persevere.
As I was sitting last Saturday in the coffee shop, trying to write another chapter, I thought – wait a second, I’m sitting here alone going into the fantasy land in my head, but I really want to be with real people, I want to be with my family. I closed my laptop and that was that – I left and came home – everyone was so happy to see me. Now my writing is mainly my blog. I might return to my book one day, but it served its purpose, and I don’t have to finish it.
I DON’T HAVE TO ANYTHING ANYMORE.
Reader Comments (2)
Actually you can transfer your blogs into book.....
Yes, I was thinking about that - maybe, if there is enough interest.