Today was International Women's Day

In elementary school, I remember, the boys gave us flowers - one flower per girl. 8th of March was a big deal holiday in Russia - kind of like Mother's day in US. Today my husband woke me up with a bouquet of deep magenta roses - I have long forgotten how it feels, to be a woman. I have been in and out of various states - little girl, sick patient, depressed teenager, tired mom, etc. - anything but a woman. I'm learning how to be one, how to not be ashamed of my curves, of allowing myself to grow long hair, of being weak and vulnerable and soft. Today is the day to honor all women - please, give yourself a big hug if you're a woman, and congratulate yourself on what you have accomplished, and give yourself a little present - even if it's as little as 10 minutes off work (checking yourself in the mirror, for example). If you're a man, please praise a woman in your life - your sister, mother, wife, daughter - for no reason, just because she is wonderful.

All children are born wonderful, only some of them never get to feel that - some of them are abused instead of being told that they are wonderful, and they form wrong assumptions about themselves. I never got anything for free - I always paid for it - when I didn't have the money, it was my body, or my psyche, or my innocence. Today the hardest thing for me was accepting the roses from my husband - I wanted to say anything except "Thank you". I wanted to say "Are you crazy?", or "Oh my god, where did you get these, it's 6am in the morning!", or "Did we sleep in, what time is it?" - I had to physically hold my tongue and tell myself - it's ok, I'm worth it. I'm worth being woken up with roses - for no reason, just because I am.

This absence of self worth is what I have to battle with every day. As a little victory and as a gift to myself (oh boy, it is so scary to write this, you have no idea - I shrink and squirm and try to hide to vanish completely - all because I think I'm not worth it) - again, as a little victory and as a gift to myself - I will go now and do what I want. Not work, not laundry, not Amazon Fresh grocery shopping, not figuring out my biking map for tomorrow, not checking e-mail... Here comes the hardest part - when I have free time on my hands, I actually have no idea what to do with it. I feel guilty about not doing anything useful. Right now, as I'm writing this, I have no idea what I want! This drives me nuts. OK, I will keep working on this - I think I want... Love. That's it - I will go and give my husband a big hug and quietly sit with him, together. I don't think I have ever done this - just sitting next to him, looking at what he does, listening to him, but doing nothing myself.

Happy International Women's Day to all women!