I’m still a child when it comes to verbal abuse
Tuesday, April 20, 2010 at 8:55PM If someone tells me “Fuck you!”, I can’t say anything equally nasty back. I’m paralyzed, shaking inside, mute on the outside. I turn into a little girl again, disconnected from the outside world, looking inward, afraid I did something wrong, crying, hoping someone will hear my pain, someone will understand. It takes me an enormous mental effort to recognize the pattern from the get-go, to not fall into it, to give myself space and to give the appropriate answer to the accuser. All the while, I’m terrified I did something bad, I’m guilty of it - shame and doubt eat me to the bones. What will happen now? What punishment will I have to endure? How can I avoid being to stupid again in the future? Was it me doing something wrong, or saying something wrong, or both? This worry, this doubt at the outcome and the drama surrounding both can occupy me for hours, days, sometimes weeks. It can turn into an obsession. It did in the past.
When I haven’t remembered yet the cause of these obsessions, they would run my life, especially the shopping part of it. First, I went shopping when I felt bad (I didn’t understand that clothes meant love to me, so that’s what I was hunting for). I went in with a list of what I needed, but always wound up getting something I didn’t need – let’s say, a red sweater (when I needed black pants). I would spend an entire Saturday trying all the sweaters in the store, finally decide on one, only to feel doubt as soon as I was in the parking lot. The color is not right. It’s not the red that goes with my skin tone. Should I return it now, or should I try to look at it at home with the rest of my clothes? At home, it would get worse. I would try on my entire wardrobe with the damn sweater, I would be exhausted because by then it would be 11pm or later. And I would still be not sure – either it would seem to short, or too small, or I should have gotten the bigger size (or, alternatively, the smaller size). I would then ask my husband who would hate the entire process and only grouch in response as to what was my clothing budget this month and wasn’t it the black pants that I needed? At that moment, his response would trigger exactly what I was looking for – the re-victimization - verbal abuse. I did something wrong, I knew it! The cycle would start again. I would go back the next day and return the sweater, but would get a checkered scarf (still not the black pants!). The cycle will repeat. The shopping would be connected to the pain and pleasure combined – just the right mix of what I got as a child, only reinvented by me into the past time that had no connection to what really was causing it.
Now I am past the shopping pain – I know exactly what I need (without the list), I don’t feel the urge to go (I get my love from my husband and my kids, not from shopping anymore), and I’m past the doubt. The choice of the size or color stopped affecting me – to the point where I buy clothes online, and am ok if they are a little bit not perfect. BUT, I am still not past the doubt when it comes to people – after they say something like “Fuck you!”. I’ve noticed that I learned to react to men, but I am completely paralyzed by women. The women in my life never listened to me, never held what I said as valid, never heard my pain, and always instructed me at what I did wrong and what I ought to do about it. That’s why it is hard for me to connect with women, to have girlfriends – it’s me, not them. My first step is – to recognize it now, when it happens. To take hold of it, even if it takes me 24 hours, to shrink my response time, minute by minute, until I get to the actual conversation, in real time, and respond – “Did you just say “Fuck you?” What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Reader Comments (2)
Hi Knesia
Please understand if I am offering something you already know, my intentions are good.
Something that helped me enormously, enormously with this issue is inner child healing, as beautifully taught in this book by Luchia Capacchione.
I, even as a 6'2" 240 pound male suffered from what you describe.
Then, after connecting with my protective parent within, and standing up to and shouting down the critical parent within, I know I have nothing to fear.
Peace, love and empathy on your journey.
John
John, absolutely no worries about offering your help! Everything you're offering is beautiful! Thanks so much for connecting and Im so proud of you - for overcoming it. It;s very hard work, and it doesn't matter what size we are, really. Hugs to you.