I forbade myself to climax

I had a very powerful memory today, the memory that I was waiting to remember for 16 years, ever since my first husband asked me – why is it that you never have an orgasm, no matter how hard I try? This was one of the reasons we divorced, and this is what I have remembered today.

I came into therapy today with intense hip and knee pain, and suddenly started having a feeling of fear (that’s how my panic attacks usually start), then I went into the memory, body and all, as if I was in my bed, under covers, asleep, when someone entered the bedroom – it seems it was my grandfather (the second husband of my grandmother – the one was an alcoholic and who spent time in prison). He snaked his arm under the cover and touched my panties. I twisted to the left, crouched, and wished I could disappear entirely. It was hot, dark, and scary under the cover, it was hard for me to breathe. His hand persisted and massaged me between my legs, which made me breathe harder. I knew what was coming. This hand, or another hand in the past – someone has brought me to an orgasm once before. I think I must have been very young, like 5 or 6. This time, I clenched my teeth and I was determined to not let him do it – I was determined to not climax, no matter how hard he massaged. I turned into stone, as much as I could, under the cover without much air to breathe, sweating. He continued. I tightened my muscles into a knot, and I succeeded. He left – I didn’t climax. Either grandma or someone else distracted him, or entered the room – I don’t remember, and I didn’t see – I dared not show my face from under the cover. I lay there for a long time before allowing myself to come out for air.

Sex happens outside of the bedroom when we are young, but once we have kids becomes confined to the bed, the dark, the covers. I have purposefully not allowed myself to have an orgasm – when I am in bed, in the dark, under covers. From there, I spread this rule everywhere – today I finally found out why. I was mad at him, mad at Uncle Sasha for doing what he did, I was becoming strong, determined, and stubborn – and that’s what saved me. It also presented a problem in my adult sex life – but I am now on the path of allowing myself to climax, again. It will take me a while, but it is a huge victory, and I am happy.