Never satisfied with anything I do

You might say this is a great trait - to never be satisfied with your work, to always push yourself harder, to not stop until it is perfected. I thought so too. Until I got to understand that my dissatisfaction comes from me having been sexually, physically, and emotionally abused. When it happened, I thought I was the one to blame, I thought I had to get better, I had to be perfect, I had to prove that I was worthy of love. I did everything I could perfectly. It didn't help. I was still as abused as before. I tried harder. I did even better. Didn't help again. I tried even harder - and the cycle repeated itself many times. I forgot I started the cycle and accepted this as a way of life. Nothing I would do was good enough - for me. No amount of work was enough - for me. No achievement was worth celebrating - for me. If I planned 8 things to do in a day, and I only did 2, I beat up myself in the evening. It didn't matter that the things I planned usually take months to do - they had to be done that day, period. No compromises. The next day I would plan 8 things, plus 6 things from the previous day would roll over, and it would be now 14 things total. Until it got to the point when I got hundreds of tasks on my plate, running around all stressed out about how much stuff I needed to do. The truth all along was - I was the one who put those things on my plate - because when I was 5 I have decided that this is the only way to win my father's love, and my mother's love.

It's hard to shake off this feeling of dissatisfaction. Today I got 6 things done, when I should have only done 2. I am not happy about it - I am trying to let it go and celebrate, congratulate myself - I got 6 things done! Wohoo! Not as easy as it sounds. The conditioning that I received from myself lived on in my brain for the last thirty years, it won't go away in the matter of months. I have to learn to let it go, to be happy with what got done, and to walk on, on the road ahead, to life, to happiness. I have to learn to be satisfied with my life, with the things I achieved, to love myself and to accept the praise - from my self. You know how we sometimes joke off the compliments we are being offered? You look nice today. Oh, it's just the new haircut I got. You did a great job. Really, you think so? Thank you very much for your help. Oh, no worries, that was not much help anyway. 

You know how we diminish our contributions? And it hurts the other person, the one who is saying the compliment, he is she feels it wasn't received. I have to practice with myself to learn to accept praise. I have to tell my self all the things that I have achieved.

I have two beautiful happy kids who have never been sexually abused (I was), who each have their own room (like I never did), who have had numerous birthday parties with tons of friends (I never did), who have great relationship with their fathers (I never did), who are both talented artists (that is the only thing that I was too). I have an amazing husband (my mom never did) who loves me and without whom this journey would've never been possible. I have finished college (my mom never did), I have started a business that survived the recent economic downturn, I have a paying job (my mom never did, my dad never started a business). I have learned a second language and am writing in it. I have survived horror and never turned into a monster myself. I am crying right now as I writing this because it is so hard for me to accept this self-praise, it is impossible for me to believe that I did these things - all by myself, after running away from home when I was 16, after getting pregnant at 17, after giving birth to my daughter at 18 and being told that I will NEVER amount to ANYTHING. I did amount to a human being who is capable to love - this is enough for me. I have built a family, I have created a life for myself, and I deserve it. It was a hard road, it still is a hard road, but I have earned every little piece of what I have with sweat, tears, and blood. I will never ever give it away, for anything in the world. I only have to learn to be satisfied with the little things. I washed the dishes. Happy! I took a walk with my son. Happy! I cleaned out and organized all of our pictures. Happy! 

Am I satisfied with my day, even after writing this? Not quite. But I'm learning. Tonight is not as peaceful as it was yesterday night, but it's ok. Tomorrow will be better.