Your father is a pervert. Choose.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010 at 9:24PM Life doesn’t come at you with “What kind of parent would you like? Gentle, caring, unconditionally loving? Big and muscular? Fast and skinny? Rich and important? Creative and hip? Analytical and thorough? Choose.” Life comes at you with “Your father is a pervert. Choose. Your mother is infantile. Choose. Your step-mother needs you only when you have no problems. Choose.”
I lived my entire life in denial of what I had on my hands – a dysfunctional family. I dared not look truth in the eye, I pretended I had it like in the movies, or books – not perfect, but good enough. When I remembered the truth, I still couldn’t cope with it, I denied it (see The Mechanism of denial, my previous blog post). I ignored the wound, even though it oozed green stinky stuff. I was afraid to pry it open and let it all out. I couldn’t make myself choose. I am choosing now. I do this by doing what every doctor would do with a neglected wound. I pry it open and let the ooze out, ALL of it, until it’s empty. Then I clean my wound, and I keep it clean, uncovered, until it dries and starts healing. I keep it protected until it fully heals. What will the process of cleaning it and healing look like, I don’t know, but I commit to it. Because I choose to.
Happiness is our choice. We choose to be happy – and we are. We choose to be unhappy – and we are. Every single moment in life is chosen by us – or not. It is very hard to make a choice, because it means commitment – we squirm and shy away from commitments – because they mean responsibility. We don’t like being responsible – because we are afraid we will screw up. We are terrified of screwing up – because then we will be punished. We are punished – and we wow to never ever do the same mistake again. We face the choice again – and in this moment, sometimes, we choose to not to choose. We choose to ignore. It makes life easier – no commitments, no responsibility, no screw-ups, no punishment, no choice. We don’t realize we have now put ourselves in the corner, in the corner from which we can observe, but never act. Years go by, until one day we think – nothing I do in life makes any difference. I have no power. I can’t change my life for the better, no matter what I do, nothing will help. What we don’t realize is that we are responsible for putting ourselves into this corner in the first place. The cycle goes on, until on day we die. Or take our life – because life is unbearable without a purpose, and we have no purpose without a choice.
Choosing is hard, choosing is painful, choosing is being in the court while everyone is watching or judging you. But choosing gives us freedom and power to change our lives.
I choose. I choose that my father is a pervert and a rapist. I choose that my mother is infantile and never protected me. I choose that my step-mother turned away from me when I needed her and that she never really chose to be with me – it was put onto her by my father. Now. I chose. And I move on.
Reader Comments (2)
Perhaps this is true but, what about those that still support him in this world or my first cousin that raped me along with my father and separately from him.
What about them? Why do you want to think about them? They are not in your life, they never wanted you. You hurt, but they don't care. You are still trying to get justice, to get even, to prove something, but you are stuck, and they are enjoying a glass of wine in the meantime. It is about you. Choose that they never wanted you, choose that they never loved you and never will. It is painful, but once you do, you will freedom, and you will be able to move on. Your life will not be about getting even with anyone, it will be about you, you alone. And you will be happy.