A new body
Monday, June 14, 2010 at 11:24PM 
I can't even begin to tell you how much trash my body stored - all resulting from suppressed emotions and behaviors that occurred as a result of the abuse. When I began to remember and getting rid of the stored up emotions, my body began releasing its trash. In January I began having panic attacks, and in the course of the next two months I've lost 10 pounds. I've never been overweight, but I had that extra "stuff" that I always wanted to get rid of and never could, no matter what diets I tried or how much I exercised. It was a layer of protection that emotionally I was attached to. It was my insulation from being beaten and raped, and I held on to it - until I didn't need to anymore. Since then I felt back in my body, the way I was when I was 18. The extra "stuff" was gone. This was the first big change, more started happening in the course of the last 6 months, as I worked through my memories and dismantled and processed them, one by one.
I will go from head to toes.
My hair - I'm growing it, after not being able to do so, since 6th grade. It changed the way I look - I look more feminine, and I am sure of myself, no longer self-concious of my profile or the way my hair looks. I went camping and for the first time realized that I never looked into a mirror in the course of three days, and when we went into a restaurant on our way home, I didn't care how I look. This was never the case before!
My eyes - my right eye was always bigger then my left, or, rather, it was bulging out much more then the left. When I did craniosacral therapy, my therapist told me that the left side of the body usually reflects your feelings towards your mother, and the right - towards your father. I didn't really believe her, until in one session I remembered a particularly distressing memory and felt pity for my father for the first time. It was not anger, not hate, it was pity, and then it was a hint of forgiveness. I didn't forgive him fully yet, but I had a positive feeling towards him. I felt something pop in my head. The therapist said she felt the pressure shift in my body. The next morning I woke up and saw that my right eye is not bulging anymore! You know how all of our faces are a bit asymmetrical - mine looked symmetrical for the first time, and it has been ever since. It used to be that my right eye bulged much more when I didn't sleep enough, now - it doesn't matter. I can say that from this - my face changed.
My posture - since I have been going to the chiropractor and lifting the weight of protection off my shoulders, my posture changed dramatically, and so my reaction - the speed at which I would catch a falling glass full of water. I was astounded - it's like my nerves started firing faster. The chiropractor explained to me that I crouched because I tried to protect my heart, and because my father used to hit me on my back - when I was walking - and told me to straighten up - which only caused me to curl up more. Now I lift my head and walk with a straight back, which is making me feel about myself better.
My sleep - I sleep better then ever before. I used to sleep very lightly, waking up at any sound, always being on high alert, not being able to fall asleep once I woke up. It was torture, I used to take pills to fall asleep, I went to the Sleep Institute and did a series of therapeutic exercises there, nothing helped much. Until I remembered what happened to me. Now I sleep very deeply, hardly ever waking up, and instead of barely feeling rested after tossing and turning for 8 to 9 hours (and always feeling exhausted) I now sleep on average 6 hours a night, and I feel rested in the morning.
My alertness during the day - ever since I tested my blood and changed my diet (when I was still battling the bladder infections - the manifestation of my body's 20 year old pain from rape), I stopped eating gluten, milk products, sugar, eggs, corn, and red meat. The best part about it is - when I eat lunch, no matter how little I slept the night before, I never get sleepy anymore. I feel light and flexible, as if I have no extra "stuffing" inside - no matter how much food I ate.
My legs - I used to have the pain in my hip, and the knee, I even did knee surgery last year - but I was never able to get rid of it. In the past 5 years it escalated to the point when I couldn't even walk, and the knee surgery didn't help. Until the chiropractor discovered that my left leg is 1 inch shorter then the other. I still have pain, but I switched all my shoes to the ones that can fit a 5/8" insert, and I am free of pain when I wear it, plus my lower back pain disappeared - which I had since the birth of my first child.
Overall - I am amazed at the transformation. I am centered, less conscious of my appearance, calm. I sweat less, I move about steadily (I used to always walk into stuff), and speak slower (I used to chat incessantly). Only one function hasn't returned to my body yet - I still don't want any sex. It feels like it atrophied all together. I hope a day will come when this desire will return to me.
Photo by 3EyePanda.
Reader Comments (3)
Great post. Very inspiring.
I read a book called Yoni Massage, it's actually really good for helping you find ways to ease the memory your Yoni carries of being abused. I swear by this purchase because it made a huge impact on how I handle being touched sexually. It helps to have a generous lover, who knows that what you have been through is traumatic and takes time to heal.
I found it at Borders...but it's also at Amazon.
Think about it...it might help.
Very good post by the way *hugs* I'm proud of you.
Bethany, thank you.
Ligeia, thanks for the suggestion on the Yoni Massage - never heard of it before, will check it out.