Fear is poison

Fear is poison. Fear makes me think that I failed. It's hard for me when i think that. If I do, I feel like I'm being bitten by everyone, from all sides. I try to move forward and offer things to people, I try to be open, but people only keep feasting on my wounds, and it hurts like hell. I try to be unconditional love to everyone, and I fail miserably. I haven't fully healed yet to be able to offer this - and I suffer as a result. I fall into the pattern of my past abuse - and so do others. They smell fear on my breath and they say I failed. I think I failed. The cycle repeats. We all play a game of our collective insecurities, only it is covered up and nobody speaks the truth about what is happening. And when I try to break out of the cycle, when I try to speak the truth, I am being shut down, or ignored, or dismissed as speaking nonsense. Because I break the rules of the game. I have nothing to say in return and only stand, silent, my mouth gaping open. I don't understand why people indulge in such games. Why do I indulge in it. Wait, I do know. It all has to do with fear. People are afraid of others, afraid of losing their status in society, of losing their face, afraid of displeasing others, afraid of speaking up when they need to. Fear is eroding people. I felt it, and I gave in to it in the past. I have witnessed the result with horror - I have turned into someone I barely recognized. It was not me. I made horrible mistakes because I stopped believing into what I stand for. Even now, I am afraid. Again. But I don't care anymore. I know who I am and what I stand for, and I might be afraid, but I will move forward, tucking the fear under my arm, like a nasty wild animal, that will scratch my sides until they bleed. It can scratch all it wants, I will keep moving forward.

Tonight I happen to be afraid and to feel like I failed. Tonight I spent yet another night crying, curled up like a ball and depressed. My first instinct was to crawl back into the cave. To protect myself and to lick my wounds. To pretend like nothing happened and to hide. It was my usual pattern when anything went wrong - crawl, hide, lick. Stay. Don't come out until it's quiet. Listen carefully. Look around. Probe the ground first with one hand, then with another. Put on layers of protection, hide behind the mask of indifference, or false laughing. And then I thought, no. I have to break the pattern. I have to recognize that there is nothing to hide from, there is nothing to lick. I don't have to give in to the fear. I am not 5 years old anymore, and I don't belong to an abusive parent anymore who can do whatever he wants with me. I am free to choose, and I won't be abandoned if I do. I can be on my own, I am an adult. I don't have to solicit constant praise, I know I am good enough, strong enough. Simply put - I know I am "enough", and that's the best remedy. Even as I am writing this, I feel stronger.

I decided to extract this poison, to come out of the cave and be with my fear face to face, be with my failure face to face. And you know, it didn't look all that scary. It actually looked like it was afraid of me too. We were both afraid of each other, and I gave my fear a hand. It didn't bite it off like I thought, so I patted it on the back - this wild animal, the one tucked under my arm. We became friends. I acknowledged its existence, and it stopped biting. It became clear and quiet, illuminated with bright light. I no longer had to move forward and feel my way with arms outstretched. I could see where I was going and what was happening around me. I could feel the blood running down my sides, from the fear scratching at my being, but it was clean red blood, not some nasty ooze, and I didn't mind it dropping on the floor as I went forward - because I knew what it was. And it wasn't poisonous anymore. I accepted it for what it was. And as soon as I did, it vanished.

I am free of the poison, if only for tonight. Tomorrow I will have to face it again, in yet another battle. But the more often I face it, the stronger I will become, until one day, I hope, I can coexist with myself, in peace.

Photo by Caroline (ohsoabnormal).