Erecting boundaries
Saturday, June 26, 2010 at 9:59PM 
As an incest victim, I lack boundaries. I don't know when my story is TMI for people, when someone's touch is more than is allowed, when I push too much for emotional connection. There is no invisible rope that creates an oasis of "mine" outside of "me". I simply don't have it. My boundaries have been constantly violated. I never learned to create my own. Even this blog is the manifestation of no boundaries - in here, I publicly share the most intimate things, no matter how gory or violent they are - and for some people, it's too much. I have not been able to recognize this in the past - I will have to learn how to do it - because I need to create those for myself. To thrive inside my own walls. I have no experience doing that. I will start with one little stone.
My first stone will be the word "no". When someone asks me something, anything - I always say "yes". Without thinking, I contribute and commit. I do it, even if it costs me - my sleep, my health, my well being. Next time someone asks me, I will have to practice to say "no", for no reason. Just to be able to say it will be a huge victory for me. "No" is my first stone.
My second stone will be the word "stop". If I start doing something, I can never stop. I keep going no matter how hungry, tired, or overwhelmed I am. I will be shaking from low sugar in my blood and still keep going. I will be drowsy from no sleep, but I will still wake up to keep going further. I will be perfecting whatever it is that I do until it can't be perfected anymore, and still I won't be satisfied with my work, I will continue making it better. If I will read a book, I will keep going into the night, all the way till dawn, all the way till I am finished with it. Then, exhausted, i would collapse. I have no idea how to tell "stop" to myself. This will be my second stone. Next to the first one.
My third stone will be the word "worth". I don't have any sense of my own worth, and I put myself into situations where my worth is undermined even further. I think I am worth nothing, I am no good, I will never be any good, no matter how hard I try. Because I am never worth anything, I have to move mountains in order for someone to even notice that I'm doing something well. I can't move mountains by myself, so I fail, moreover, I set up myself for failure in the first place. I pick up tasks that are unsurmountable, impossible to achieve, and I am very disappointed when I can't complete them. Next time, instead of picking something smaller, I pick something bigger, always biting pieces larger than I can chew. Never satisfied with myself, in any capacity. I will begin by practicing saying "I am worthy", "I am enough". That will be my third stone.
My fourth stone will be the word "love". I don't really love myself, and I was never loved by my parents or anybody in the family. I tore a few precious moments here and there, like a forever starving child, never having her belly full, always hungry for recognition, for praise, for a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I have to be able to love myself enough to let my tired body go to bed when it needs, feed it when it is hungry, clothe it when it is cold, soothe it when it aches. I have to tell it, "I love you", and I have to look in the mirror and practice saying to my reflection "I love you". "Love" will be my fourth stone.
My fifth stone will be the word "respect". My boundaries have never been respected, and I struggle at respecting other people's boundaries. I don't see the signs of "no, I don't want to", I simply keep pressing forward, pushing my way in by any means, shoving everything aside, like a locomotive. I press until the other party either flees, or erects such coldness that I burn and finally feel it, or starts a fight, kicking me away. Only when a first hits my face I get it - I wonder then how I didn't see it before. No wonder I didn't - I have no respect for my own boundaries - how can I have any for other people's? In their eyes I'm a bully. In mine - they are hurting me by not reacting to me. It goes like this in circles. I have to learn respect, this will be my fifth stone.
My sixth stone will the word "slow". When all other words would have failed, I would need to learn to slow down, to pause, to think before I act. I always ran - I thought, when I was little - if only I am always busy, if only I am always running somewhere, maybe all of this will end quickly and I will somehow make it out the other end. Well, I did, only I forgot that I did, and I am still running. I can't pause to catch my breath, I have to jump into decisions quickly. No time. Have to keep going. Can't stop, sorry, need to move faster. I will need to learn how to make things slow, how to take my time. How it is ok to think before I act, to mull it over, to let it all settle on its own. To take things at my pace, however fast or slow that pace is. That will be my sixth stone.
There will be many more stones - some more round, some rough, some jagged, some smooth and shiny. I will keep picking them out and carefully putting them on top of the other. Without cement. Slowly. Picking out each so that it matched the shape of the previous one, so that it sits in between other stones in perrfect balance, so that it fits. I will create a wall that is so well fit and grounded that it won't be something that can be penetrated easily. I will erect boundaries all around me and thrive within. And once I strive within, I can open up more and more, to others, knowing that at any time I can retreat back into the safety of my boundaries. And I will celebrate them each time they work. Because I'm worth it.
Photo by Ian W Scott.
Reader Comments (2)
Boundaries are essential when raising a child, they teach safety, honor, respect, care, love. If you love your child you give them boundaries to protect them.
Love that inner child as a mother loves her child...as you as a mother would love your child. Be the mother to you and your child.
I'm proud of you for your courage to bring you story to light and share the struggles you endure. You are a chick with scars, and we are many. We understand what you struggle with...we know your triumph is imminent.
*hugs*
To my other sister - the other "chick with scars" - hugs to you to.