An iron rod inside of me
Monday, June 7, 2010 at 8:43PM 
When I started on the journey to remembering my pain, many people asked why I did it, if it was was worth it. I didn't know if it was, I was following my instinct. I was right.
Inside of me I have an iron rod that sprouted when I was first was abused. This rod was sheer stubbornness and willingness to live and be happy and be myself. It was little at first, but it curbed by my desire to forget what happened to me, to deny it. It eroded and stopped growing, stopped by repeated abuse. Until now. Until I cleared the space for it to uncurl, to grow, to root itself in my being and to make me unbendable. I start feeling it more and more every day.
I had an argument with my husband this morning. I fumed, I reacted to his words, the way I reacted to my father in the past. It was as if he pushed a button. But I cooled down very quickly. I reminded myself - whatever it is he is saying has NOTHING to do with me. It has to do with him, his own feelings, memories, his own baggage. As soon as I got it, I was able to talk to him again. I told him how hard it was for me to contain my reaction, and what is it that he would like me to do in the future, to avoid the argument. He was so happy I asked. He said I never did it in the past. He was an enemy to me in those little heated moments. Not anymore. I felt the strength within me, the rod - something that holds me together, as one whole, from inside, impenetrable, strong. Like an iron rod within me - the one I can alway lean on and never fall. The one that won't let me bend when others are trying to bend me. The one that will never let me forget who I am and what I stand for.
I had an argument at work today. I got yelled at, even. I fumed again, but was surprised at how quickly I cooled down and how I didn't let my heat show. I felt the iron within me again. The yelling didn't faze me. Not an inch. I stood my ground, and I quickly forgot about the whole thing once the argument was over. I didn't feel guilty, or ashamed, or scared, or unable to be happy. I didn't crawl into a corner to cry, like I did in the past. I didn't feel diminished or betrayed or wrong. None of these feelings were present. I was surprised. I only felt one thing - the iron rod within me. I knew who I was, what I needed to get done, and that was the only thing that mattered. My body wasn't shattered by the comments. I understood clearly that the yelling had to do with the other person, not me. And it was strangely enough a fast conclusion to me. I smiled. felt so happy like never in my life before. The verbal abuse from others doesn't affect me anymore!
I talked to my mom today. She called to congratulate my son with his birthday. She ridiculed me for something I said to him, something that she said was not right in her opinion. A bribe. Instead of fuming on how she should have raised me, I simply listened. she talked quietly, and finally she agknowledged that she didn't know any better, when she was a parent. I said, yes. I said, mom, maybe I bribed him into talking to you, and maybe a bribe in your eyes was a bad thing, but I wanted him to hear your voice and know that he has a grandmother - after not having her in his entire life. She was quiet. We understood each other. I felt the iron within me strengthen even more.
I talked to my son today. I told him I was wrong in tricking him to speak to my mom - to his grandmother - after I chased him all over the house with the phone in my hand, and him hiding from it, from some strange woman on the other side of the world. Someone he didn't know, someone he didn't want to know and didn't care. I said, I am sorry. I so badly wanted you to know that you have a grandmother, and that she wishes you a happy birthday. I am sorry I said you will get a present from her if you talk to her. It was a bribe, it was a wrong thing for me to trick you. She will get you a present whether you want to talk to her or not, and that present is love. I only said it to him once, without asking if he understood what I said, without asking it from him 2 or 3 times, because he appeared like he didn't listen. I felt the iron within me again. I said it and I simply sat down. Then a miracle happened. He drew me a card. He wrote a few Russian words on it that he knows - the card said: I love you. For mom. Then he hugged me. I cried. I felt the iron within me even stronger. I held on to it, to be humble, to be loving, to not be afraid of who I really am.
Every moment of pain I had to remember was worth this day. I have an iron rod within me, and it is my core, my own me, the one I was born to be, and the one I finally am.
Reader Comments (2)
Ksenia, be proud of your accomplishment...I am. Good job! I put the link to your blog over at the Fan Page for Chicks With Scars.
Stay strong ;)
Thank you :)