Terrified of darkness

I'm faced with spending 3 weeks alone in my house, this summer, when my husband, my son, and my daughter will be traveling to Russia. I'm terrified of darkness and have not spent this long on my own since I was 16. When I ran away from home, at 16, and rented an apartment and had to sleep alone. I lasted about 10 days, each night turning on every single light in the house and crawling into the corner of the bed, my back against the wall, staring out into the room in front of me till 3 am, till my eyes simply closed themselves. After 10 days I got a puppy, and after several more days my boyfriend, the future father of my daughter, moved in with me. That was the end of me being alone. I got pregnant at 17 and gave birth to my daughter at 18. I was now guaranteed to never be alone in my life, ever again. Since then, I was always with my daughter, and, later, divorced her father and married my husband. Then we had our son. We've always traveled together, until this summer. My husband's parents have not seen their grandson for 5 years and it is time to go visit them. My daughter goes every year to Russia to see her father. And I will be staying alone this summer while they are gone.

I had problems sleeping and was terrified of darkness since I was about 5, since when my father raped me for the first time. Before that, I remember my aunt asking me to go turn on the light in the room, because she was scared of the dark, and I would go and do it, I had no fear. I haven't remembered yet when the abuse from my grandmother's second husband started, but I do know that he came over for the holidays to our house, and I started living there after coming back from Germany at the age of 1. He did molest me under covers in the bed, but I can't quite remember how old I was. I do remember having trouble falling asleep, waking up from nightmares, having severe leg cramps, and being terrified to the point where I thought I'd die from fear. To this day, the "going to bed" routine is torture for me. I can never go to bed when my body is tired. I always wear myself out till I crash. I hate the 8pm to 9pm time frame in particular - I think this was the time when I got sent to bed. I would do anything to avoid going to bed, and I would wait for my husband to go to bed, no matter how late, just so that I wouldn't have to be in our bedroom alone.

Before I started the entire process of remembering my abuse, it was worse. Even with the house full of people, I couldn't go to bed alone, I could never be alone in the dark bedroom. The first two times when I was able to do that were two days in the course of this year - the first one was when I remembered that it was my grandmother's second husband who molested me, the second time it was when I remembered that it was my father sexually abusing me. Both times, I was in bed without fear, having put a face to my monsters. Seeing them next to my bed, but knowing who they were. Since those two nights, I was able to go to bed alone (though with two night lights and the window completely open in the bedroom) - it was a victory for me. My husband was astounded - I didn't have to wait for him, I could do it on my own. But doing it while I am alone in the house... This gives me shivers.

Yesterday in my therapy session I decided to face my fear of darkness this summer. To face it and to defeat it. I'm scared to death, but I commit to doing it. Yesterday, I have developed a plan on how to start. I decided to start by going to bed while it's light out. I went to bed at 9pm. It worked! I was asleep in minutes. It was a miracle. I could simply close my eyes. If I have to go to sleep in the dark, the darkness turns live for me - every shape seems to be moving, breathing heavily. I always imagine something or someone huge hiding behind the door to the bedroom, or underneath the bed, or standing next to the bed. This someone or something can swallow me up, jerk me from under covers by my legs, eat me and spit my bones out, tear me to pieces. This someone or something is so big and strong that I don't stand a chance. This monster is always there, waiting for me to close my eyes to strike, when I am most vulnerable. I realize that I think on a 5 year old girl scale - I feel very small and the monster feels very huge and heavy, especially when it is on top of me. I have to be always alert, I can't close my eyes even for a second. I listen to every sound, I watch for any movement, I twist and turn to cover 360 degrees around me, I look up to see that he is not on the ceiling, I look under the bed to make sure he is not there. I bunch up the comforter around my legs, and tighten into a ball - so that he can't grab me from under it. This fear is so ridiculously strong that I would not travel for business simply due to being terrified of sleeping alone in a hotel room (each time I did have to travel, I ended up watching some stupid TV until I gave in to sleep, when the sky turned light from the morning sun).

The best part to all of this is - I know where my fear is coming from. For the last 20 plus years - I didn't.

Photo courtesy of Erin Purcell.