Healing takes time
Thursday, July 1, 2010 at 7:15PM 
Every time when I'm in an emotional turmoil, I think that my life will end right here, right now. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is no justice, there is no love or piece, it is all black and white. It is the end of the world, and the world will end NOW. Then, after a few hours, after a few days, things get back to normal, and I realize that life is actually good, that the world won't end, that I can survive. That I have survived this already, in real life, being a little girl, and now I'm experiencing an echo of past pain at the most, and I'm no longer a little girl but a grown woman.
I take pills and vitamins to get better, but I have to add one more capsule - time. Like I swallow them all each morning, I can take a deep breath and absorb some extra time - just because it feels good to inhale and exhale, to live. I'll prescribe myself 5 pills a day - ideally, spread out, at least 3 of them with food.
I can take time with food, just like the prescription says. Take time to select what I want to eat, take time to chop it all up, to cook it, to get it slowly to perfection, without hurry, then take time to put it all on a plate, site down, make myself comfortable, pick up the fork and enjoy the first bite. Chew it and sip some drink, maybe look out the window, until I am satisfied and done with the food. I always thought eating like this takes forever, and I always try to eat on the run, in front of my computer, or I forget to eat all together. I tried taking time with my lunch today. I ate - taking time. I was surprised it only took me 15 minutes to finish - it was actually fast! But I didn't perceive it as fast, I perceived it as a non-speed event - it was a timeless pleasure.
I can take time to get to places, wherever I need to go. I always put myself in situations when I have to run, rush, be late, be nervous about being late. Today I had two doctor's appointments, one ran longer than it should have and I have called the other doctor letting him know that I was going to be 20 minutes late. I knew that he would probably cancel and ask me to pay, but I chose to take my time. He didn't. He waited for me - there was no rushing in our conversation, I didn't run out of my car to get there a few seconds earlier, I walked slowly. Everything was fine, and I felt great. I took my time to get from one doctor to another. It was bliss.
I can take time to be with people. I always rush them, as I rush myself - I interrupt, I have a hard time listening, I think I get what they're saying in the first few sentences. I am running in my mind, I have to get some idea out of them, fast, before the world will end. But I can actually take time. And then a miracle happens - I listen. And things resolve, conflicts go away, people relax around me - because it was me rushing them in the first place. I can enjoy a conversation, without thinking how useful or non-useful it might be. Talk without reservation. I found when I take time with people, I don't talk much, I don't need to - I will have plenty of time later, after I hear their story out.
And at night, after each day has gone and the darkness hits the air, I can take time once more, before bedtime. I can take time to wash my face, brush my teeth, comb my hair - slowly, with deliberation of a woman who loves her curls and takes care of them, so that they shine and grow. I can take time to stop by the window, look out on the street, lean out to inhale the warm evening air, and stand there for no reason other than simply enjoying the moment.
This is my new medicine - time. Because healing takes time. And I have all the time in the world to do it.
Photo by el Buho nº30.
Reader Comments (2)
How very well described. So many of us are caught up in living our lives at warp-speed! I think it was Richard Kluft, a psychiatrist famous for treating DID, said, "The slower you go the faster you get there." He was talking about treatment, but the point applies to everything in this post, too.
Lovely.
Anne
Anne,
thank you. I am sorry I only discovered your comment now - thanks so much for your kind words!
Ksenia