Breaking old behavior patterns
Sunday, July 11, 2010 at 8:53PM 
When I'm happy, I forget my past, forget who I am or whom I define myself to be - I just exist in the now. Until a trigger returns me to the old behavior pattern. In a moment, I sap happiness out of myself and start down a familiar spiral - first I react to the person who triggered a memory, then to the situation, then to the entire world. I stop speaking, go inside my own head, get mad, angry, agitated, suppress my anger, go inside myself even deeper, and keep doing it in circles, each tighter then the other. Until I get to the point when I can't open my mouth at all, can't experience any emotion, keep moving forward and doing things automatically. I've noticed the pattern and recognize it now as it rears its ugly head - but I don't know yet how to get out of the spiral without professional help. It takes me one session with my therapist, it can take me up to several week if I am on my own. What exactly happens to provoke it and how does it work?
Somebody says something. It is something that was said to me before by my father or grandfather (or other abusive family member) - a word, a phrase, with a certain tone of voice. That somebody is usually my husband as I have been projecting the image of my father onto him for many years. Sometimes it is another male, usually older then me, could be a complete stranger. My reaction is that of defense - whatever was said, I view it as an attack. It could be a innocent as - can you please give me some water? The word "give" could be the trigger. I want to say "no", but I feel like I can't say '"no", because I will be punished (here my 8 year old brain dominates), so I fall quiet, and maybe say "sure", but I hate the person's guts, and I hate the fact that I am moving my feet and lift my arms, and place my hands on a bottle of water, and bring the water back. I give it, slowly, but with such menace that the other person usually says - is anything wrong? This is usually the trigger number two. I want to scream - are you blind??? Are you so stupid that you can't tell a distressed person from a happy one? Of course something is wrong! You are doing wrong things to me! In reality, I shrug my shoulders and reply sarcastically - no, nothing is wrong, everything is just great. But within myself, I get now even tighter. I ignore the person, this is the best I can do - I think. I don't look him or her in the eye, I avoid talking or doing any movement when standing close. As if afraid I will provoke another request. Request to do something that I don't want. I have not remembered yet much of the talking that was done when I was raped - was I asked to undress? Was I asked to lay down? Was I asked explicitly to do certain actions? I wonder if my trigger point of reacting to requests is coming from this.
Time passes, and I get mad at myself - mad at handling the water, at just doing it instead of saying - no! Instead of saying - go get it yourself! Instead of pointing and saying something smart and sarcastic like you hear in movies or read in books. I am so mad at myself, that in this moment if the person attempts to talk to me, or offer any help at all, seeing my distress, I explode. Which to the other party seems completely out of the logical behavior - but it is absolutely logical in my universe. If I don't get a chance to explode to the person, I explode in other ways - punch a wall, drive fast, turn up the volume of the music until the walls are shaking, slam doors or do everything in an aggressive manner. Then I get mad at myself even more, to sliding down the human grade by behaving like my abusers - and I twist my emotions into a pretzel, my mouth being shut so tightly, no sound comes out at all. At this point, I can be quiet for hours, days, even weeks. I can go on like this without looking around and feeling anything. If the person who triggered the memory attempts to talk to me, I pretend like he or she doesn't exist, I don't hear, I don't see, I don't feel. The more time passes, the worse it gets. Until at some point, I am desperate for someone to break the spiral, to help me out - or to take my life as I can't bear it anymore and don't know any other way to exit.
It hasn't happened to me in this extreme since January, but it happens to me every week in various degrees, it happened to me again yesterday, and I decided to break the pattern by writing it out. By analyzing it for what it is and for what it isn't. And I see how incredibly hard it is for me to divorce the 8-year old brain reaction from me-today reaction, I sense how deeply the behavior is set inside of me, and how hard it is for me to step out and look down at what is happening - only then can I break out of the spiral and unwind myself. Because if I don't, I artificially keep going, and pile up another spiral, then another, until the explosion might be very much out of proportion simply due to the stored spirals wound tightly on on top of another. I have had such explosion at the onset of my remembering - in December of last year, when I told my husband I wanted a divorce.
So how do I break out? I've realized it has to start with me - I have to stop hating myself in that moment, I have to love myself - then I won't view requests as attacks. For that I have to develop the sense of my own personal worth - understand that I'm worth loving. And only after that I can start working on loving others - loving the one who asked me for water - and wanting to give love in that simple plastic water bottle. I had a moment or two like this since December, so I know I can do it. I have to believe that I can do it again and again - then, maybe, one day, I can break myself free of the spiral, or, maybe, it won't even happen anymore, and it can be a thing of the past, not having its grip on me anymore. I will try doing it now.
Photo by Patrick Hoesly.
Reader Comments (2)
Oh my! Third post in and I am constantly nodding my head at everything you have said. This particular post could have come from my own head. Thank you for expressing it so clearly.
I am currently outside the spiral (when I should in fact be deep within it since I am starting legal proceedings and my whole family is falling apart right now). But I am very aware that I could fall in at anytime.
The last few weeks have been almost surreal for me. I'm still not sure of the what, why or how but I have suddenly felt at peace, tranquil and calm. I am liking myself for the first time in my 38 years. I have not had one negative thought about myself in six weeks whereas before it was a constant tape of negativity in my head. So I am grateful to whatever forces that now allow me to be this way.
I know all about the self-hate, anger, confusion and explosions you talk about. A family member even nick-named me 'volcano' once.
I intend on working my way through your blog and I thank you for going public and sharing all of this with others.
I admire your courage and your strength and I wish you all the very best going forward.
Kelly,
thank you. I am glad my writing helps others - and it helps me too. And I am here for you - if I can be of any help.
Ksenia