Growing into femininity
Wednesday, July 14, 2010 at 9:21PM 
I sense a change in my body and in my psyche. After I remembered that I was raped at the age of 2 by my grandfather for the first time, all other memories suddenly made sense, and for the first time in my adult life, I allowed myself to be feminine, without fear of attracting anyone, to do harm to me. I own the truth now. I stopped doubting it, after living through an intense day of PTSD and horrible bladder and lower body pain. After realizing this is how I must have felt in the aftermath. By understanding that when my father took me on the train to the all-week daycare (I was 5), I must have touched him (I think that's what started his rage) between his legs, touched as I was trained to do by the grandfather - because this is something I had to do with him. I haven't remembered yet why I did that - I think I longed for affection, and I learned that to get affection I must do THIS. My father must have flipped out and thought me a little prostitute (like he called my mother), and raping me was his way of "setting my brain straight", so that I won't ever want sex in my life, ever again. I only remember him repeating - I will teach you how to show off! I will teach you how to seduce with your eyes! It suddenly made sense how on earth he could do it to me, in between train cars - surely there must have been people there to hear me cry out. Only, by that time, I have already learned to be quiet, after my grandfather strangled me repeatedly. And my being quiet got my father even more mad. Hence - my stubbornness - I realized that by being quiet I get him, I make him suffer in agony that he can't make me make a sound, and I used it, every single time.
He, of course, didn't realize that my behavior was my cry for help. To him all women were prostitutes, always. Stupid creatures worthy of beating and forceful teaching on how to live, since they have no brains of their own. That is why I tried to be like a man my whole life. I learned that women are weak, that any sign of femininity is the sign of weakness, and therefore made me prone to an attack. I escaped it by all means I knew, from cutting my hair very short, to dressing only in jeans and t-shirts, to never letting anyone open the door for me or take my jacket, or pay for my dinner. I always had my own businesses, being straight in conversation with people, even butchy. I exercised in the gym, I did push-ups when I got restless, I dreamed of going to some kung-fu or other fighting classes. Today I feel I've changed. My therapist noticed it, she said, there is an aura of femininity around you, all of a sudden. You're softer. I said, yes, I feel softer. I feel I can be soft and round and warm and feminine. I can be a woman, a girl. I know that who harmed me in the past, can no longer do that. I love this new feeling.
My hair touched the nape of my neck when I look up, and I slowly turn my head left to right, to feel it on the skin. My face softened, the jaw is not set, as it usually is, I can feel the muscles relaxed. I recently bought a dress, it's made of thin wool, is very stretchy, and allows me to bike. I live in it now, loving the feeling of wearing a dress, every day. I am quieter with people, I speak up less, which is unusual for me - I always had to butcher my way into the conversation, to show that I "know", whatever it might be. Which annoyed people. It annoyed me that I annoyed people, but I didn't know any other way. This is a big change, this soft quietness. I revel in it. It feels precious.
I own my body, with all it's curves and crevasses and bends. I no longer move about awkwardly, like a teenager that doesn't know what to do with her arms, legs, or emerging curves. I always hid in a bad posture, like a question mark, with my back caved into my stomach, to make sure my breasts don't protrude, to make sure my behind doesn't stand out too much. Now I am open in the chest, I'm not afraid of being who I am. I have noticed I have a waist, and it looks nice when belted. I no longer beat myself up for having a little bump of a stomach, no longer trying to suck it in so that it is completely flat and muscular. I'm ok with it being soft and roundish, and protruding a little. This doesn't even sound like me. The change is profound.
I put flowers on my Twitter page background! This was a no-no for me in the past - flowers are girly things! I'd always used flat colors, never flowers or anything whimsical. Now I like it. It's girly alright, and it suits me. I'm growing into my own femininity, and I love every moment of it.
Photo by Mikecpeck.
Reader Comments (2)
lyublyu mam, i tseluyu. poydem na devchachiy den kogda priedu? skuchayu :*
Obyazatelno :)