Forgiveness
Thursday, July 15, 2010 at 9:53PM 
Daily, I battle with anger and madness at any pain, ignorance, or hostility anyone displays against me. My reaction is always out of proportion, it is always shadowed by old memories. Daily, I learn to breathe, to cool down, and to forgive. To move on.
What is forgiveness and why is it such a hard thing for us to do? To me it's realizing that whatever those other people did to me, it's not about me, it's about them. I'll never be able to get into their heads to understand how the world looks through their eyes. And while my hurt is eating me from inside out, they enjoy a game of golf, a bottle of wine, and a nice sunset. Who suffers in the end? Me. Who needs to let go? Me. Why is it so hard to do? Because it is about me! And my ego is one of the hardest things to step over, as in all of us. Why do I need to do it? To be happy. How can I do it? With practice. The only way to learn Chinese language is to practice speaking it, reading it, writing in it. Forgiveness is not much different from any other skill, it is essentially a social skill - and it needs practice. When can I begin? Now.
Today, someone hurt me. I got angry, then pissed off, then closed into myself, then cold. Feels great? You don't want to know. It took me several hours to realize that I am in the rut of pain - inflicting it upon myself. And I am the one who suffers. I decided to let go. Except I can't let go in front of people yet, not just yet. So I wrote an e-mail to that person in my head - I forgive you for this, I forgive you for that. You hurt me here and here, and I forgive you for both. You also ignored me like this and this, and I forgive you again. I will write to you, and I know I won't get a response, but I will write all the same, because it will help me. In the end, I decided not to write at all - the exercise in my head was enough. I understood that all this was not about me, it had nothing to do with me.
What else is forgiveness? Forgiveness is letting go and moving on. Realizing that by being stuck in anger, I am not advancing, not growing, I am stagnant and I begin to rot. Again, who is suffering here? Me. It is impossibly hard to let go and make a step forward - make the first step, then another, then walk. The pain, left alone on the road, calls back. It's ugly, so why do we run for its call? Because it's familiar. It's that soothing weight on our chest that gives us an illusion of warmth. And when we take it off, at first the wind seems cold, the clothes feel clammy, we want to put it back on, and use it as a shield. To protect ourselves - with our own pain. We are afraid of the unknown, afraid of being vulnerable. It's convenient to hide behind being pissed at someone, at the world, at life in general. It's also a social tool - it allows us to form clubs. What pain do you have, who are you pissed off at? Awesome, I am pissed off at them too! Shall we discuss how pissed off we are? It's a great past-time. Letting go of that is incredibly hard as we are social animals, and we can't face being alone for a minute. But it needs to be done, to feel true happiness.
Today, I am still letting go. I am writing all these beautiful words, but guess what - deep inside I'm silently pissed. I have forgiven, and then I got back on the wagon. No, I'm still angry. I want justice (and what exactly is it in this case?), I want to bite back, to that it would hurt them, just like it hurt me. But the truth is - will it hurt them like it hurt me? Never. I have no idea what would hurt them and to what extent, again, because I can't get into their heads. How do I get rid of this completely? I'll try to meditate tonight. Maybe it will help. I'm writing this out now, hoping it will help. I recognize that there is fear, it prevents me from forgiving fully, it whispers - what if? What if when you step forward, completely open and raw, what if in that moment they will hurt you again? And I say - I will forgive them again. But the fear wins, it whispers - no, you won't. It will hurt too much - why risk it? And I bend to its will, to that powerful feeling. No. I will forgive. I will imagine them being little kids, let's say, 3, this will help me. I will imagine them being hurt, and them learning that they will never again open up their hearts, but instead will also hurt, just like adults do. This helps, I'm crying now.
What else is forgiveness? To me, it's love. It's stepping up to a blow in your face, falling to the ground, then standing up again and looking into the face of the striker, knowing that another blow will come, but never raising my hand, never degrading to the level of violence. It's an abundance of love that will break that hitting hand, that will tire it, and that will soothe us both. Do I have it in my heart? Is there enough of it? I don't know, but I will try with all my might to love. To forgive. To be happy.
Photo by Sean McGrath.
Reader Comments (2)
I am so impressed at your journey Ksenia, and I have to say-you, from that first day, have always been a good writer, but as you continue to push yourself, your writing just gets better and better.
As I've been working to smooth out my tangled mass of emotional responses, I'm finally starting to recognize that my system will periodically have a spike in stress, that I'm headed towards a period so so similar to what you've written about so well here--searching out signs in faces and tones that will prove that I am unloved, unworthy--like a part of my brain really really loathes me and wants to prove to me that she was right all along, that I really am worthy of condemnation. Usually there is some sort of trigger, some little sign that maybe some one some where that I need to respect me, maybe they don't after all (though I also wonder if I just search and grab on to a trigger, that the spikes just happen on their own--hormones hiccuping) One of the first signs it is coming on is when I find myself thinking: "You know, I think I am really happiest when I am a little unhappy" It feels natural at the time, but I really am starting to learn that this is the moment I need to start approaching negative interpretations of the world and emotions with a grain of salt, and start searching out sunshine/love.
Thanks for your great post, your posts are like a another reader says--they help make bits of the jigsaw puzzle fall into place.
Carol, I know that feeling - that I am unaccomplished the way I am, that I need to somehow impress someone, I need them to tell me I am excellent, over and over again, until I believe it. And even then, I will respond - oh, no, it's not me, it's just... here I will invent any reason except that fact that I might be good at something. When this hits me, I go down into depression. I've learned to tell my husband - I am going down. He now knows how to respond. The simple act of telling him was torture in the past, as if I had to pry my lips open to even utter that. Knowing what it means to me, here is my speech to you:
You are beautiful.
You have two beautiful kids.
Your husband is handsome.
Your hair is chocolate in color, thick, and shiny - to envy any woman.
Your smile is radiant and lights up your whole face.
When you smile, your cheeks turn pink and happy.
Your laugh is making me think of a little spring creek.
There, you are awesome - please take it and feel happy:)