Warding off a predator
Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 11:18PM 
A predator could be anybody who is in the predatory mood, even a close friend – looking for a victim to bully or to attack. Because I have been abused my entire childhood, I have no boundaries and by exhibiting it, I invite predators into my space – to take advantage of me. Since it’s been happening to me for so long, I didn’t even recognize that I was doing it, until now – now I see it, but I’m still unable to act and only get to think how I would have acted – hours or even days later. As a friend of mine called my state – being a deer in the headlights. I go into a trance, I follow the predator, I take the abuse, all the while – just like a deer - passively frozen, terrified and staring into the eyes of the predator, even as he/she is chewing on my leg – you know, like those animal shows on TV that show you a deer being eaten alive by a pack of lions – that’s exactly how I feel. Except I don’t feel anything – I am in shock. What I envy in animals is that once the predator passed, if the animal lives, it just shakes the scare off and continues grazing green grass, without a second thought. I can’t do that. I’m only human, and I mull it in my head, over and over and over. Today I decided to act on it – to create a step by step guide for myself, print it out, and live by it – until it is engrained in my brain and my response is automatic.
Step 1 – Personal space. I have decided to measure my personal space – mine is an arm length and a foot – so three feet. Regardless of what happens, if I am engaged in a conversation with anyone who is not my immediate family or a friend, and if he/she crosses this space I will ask to move back – and won’t talk until the person moves back. If the person won’t move back, I will step back enough to create this amount of space. If that won’t help – I will walk away.
Step 2 – No arguing. Arguing with a predator is similar to arguing with a drunk – when a person is in a predatory state, no matter how hard you argue, you will lose. When the predator begins to argue with me, I will say: “I am not comfortable with your tone of voice.” I will ask to schedule a conversation at a later time – and plan for it to be in a space where 3 feet are not easily crossed, I will also ask for help from a friend to step in if I need it.
Step 3 – Stop explaining myself. Whenever I talk with a predator, I always explain my process at how I arrived at any particular decision – I am used to explaining everything because in the past I was never believed – nothing I said was taken as truth or anything valid. I developed a sense of accomplishment when I explain myself. I no longer need to do it, and frankly for some people it’s TMI. I will simply state: “I would like THIS (whatever THIS might be) to happen.” If asked why or pressured to give an explanation, I will revert to step 2: “I am not comfortable with your tone of voice, let’s schedule a meeting at a later time or with a third party.”
Step 4 – Say “No!” No matter what is happening, if the predator is trying to attack me, I can always say “No!” I never could say no when I was little, it didn’t matter what I said, pain and exploitation was forced upon me – and I had no strength to stop it. I learned early on that by struggling against the predator I will only make the pain worse. That was then. Now it’s different. Now I can say “No!”, and now I can punch the predator in the face if he crosses the line and touches my body (I say “he” because mostly it is men who attempt to attack me – women are rare, and I have a slightly different response to women). If there is nothing else I can do, I will say “No!” to any request that is being made of me. If saying “No!” will not help, I will revert to step 2 and then to step 1.
Step 5 – Never be one on one with the predator. Whatever the predator is asking for – is harder to ask with other people around. Typically, a predator asks you to go to a space where nobody else is around – to bully you alone. I will make it a rule to never go into a space alone with a predator – be it in personal life, work, or by accident with a stranger – I will talk with other people present, and if that doesn’t work, I will ask for a third party to be present in the room to talk over issues – but never will I go with a predator alone into a space where I can’t ask someone else to step in to help.
Step 6 – Never get caught off guard. I have not developed a sense of safety since I was never safe, so any time a predator intrudes on my space, I always let it happen – because I think I have no other choice, and I feel like I am always off guard when that happens. That was when I was little, now I do have a choice, and I can use it. Now I can prepare for an attack, and I can walk away from it or ask others for help. So for this purpose I will print out this list and carry a copy in my bag, have a copy on my desk at work, put a copy into my iPhone – and when I find someone attacking me, I will pull it up and literally read off of it – until one day I can do it without this list.
Photo by Daniel Carlbom.
Reader Comments (3)
Step 2 - so true when it comes to any form of abuse, mental for example. Good to have these steps written out.
Goodness Ksenia! I have been dealing with this for a VERY long time and not once have I stopped to think that my need to overexplain is in any way linked to what happened to me. Thank you! Another piece of the jigsaw has just fallen into place.
Bartosz, so great to see you here! How are you? How is life, how is everything?
Kelly, I am so happy this is helping you - it did help me too - what I didn't understand was how I am giving information for the predator to feast on and to use against me. For example, I'd say - I have trouble with short term memory, so that's why I forgot. Then I would say how I remember that "this" (whatever "this" may be) happened yesterday, he would say - no, it's not right. THIS is what happened! When I would object, he would say - you have trouble with your memory, how can you remember? And I would fall silent. I actually have stopped doing it in e-mails too - catching myself today. So it works!