Confusing sex with love

I used to get very upset when I made advances to my husband to have sex, which would be very rare, and he would not feel too hot for it - because usually it was in moments when I knew he would say "no" - like when running out the door for work - so it was "safe" for me. Nevertheless, it hurt me deeply. But when I refused him, he never seemed to be particularly unhappy about it. He'd be sad, but he'd recover quickly, where as I would climb into a dark hole for days. I didn't understand why I reacted in such strong fashion, until recently. I was confusing sex for love. My entire childhood I spent yearning for love, which only came after rough hurting rapes, in the shape of my father cuddling me, wiping my tears, and telling me: "Why are you crying, silly? I love you". He kissed the crown of my head, and hugged me, for a few minutes. These moments were rare, and it was the only time I got him to hug me. I learned that the path to this was through pain, through sex - because he NEVER hugged me otherwise. He only yelled, and spanked, and otherwise made my life hellish. But I yearned for his love, and I do know that I still love him - I wish I could rip out my heart and stomp on it, to make it stop. But I can't. 

I never knew what the word "gentle" means. My body was primed for penetration, with a little bit of "gentle" at the very end. I learned to live with it, and I'm guessing it imprinted on my sexuality. I like it rough, yet I'm all over it when it's soft and caressing. Despite trying to be gentle, I grab, I twist, I want to bite. My entire life I was holding myself back, thinking sex was a dirty, shameful, and hurtful endeavor, and now I'm surprised at my own force, as is my husband. For the first time, I'm getting it that I ask him for sex to show me love - it was not an advance of a grown woman, it was a little girl in me, hoping that at the end she will get her wish granted. And sex is separate from that - in other words, when you're hot, you're hot, when you're not, you're not. If he tells me "no", it doesn't mean he doesn't love me, it means he simply says "no" to the sex. And since I hate the bedroom, the dark, the house, I usually am bold enough to want it in the places that are "safe" for me - public parks, outdoors, restaurants, movie theaters. Each place is exciting because there are people around - in my mind, if something goes wrong, I can always call for help. In my husband's world, the bedroom and the darkness and the still of the night in the house are exciting. Public places never turned him on. For the first time in our marriage, this week, when he refused me, I didn't get upset, I didn't crawl into a hole as usual, I got it that he loves me but simply doesn't want "it" now. And he wants it slow.

Every boy's sexuality is imprinted in his teens. Boys are like concrete - once they have experienced their first sex, in a short period of time, they are set for life. Later in life, they can't change, and get always turned on by similar scenarios (male readers, please correct me if I am wrong here - this is taken from the most recent studies on male sexuality). Every junkyard owner knows, to raise a mean dog, you have to beat the puppy. I can only guess what imprinted my father - what he had to go through, but clearly he got only turned on by using brutal force, bringing his lovers to tears, hurting, humiliating, and then feeling sorry for a few minutes after, until it was over. Until he zipped up his pants and was gone. This is how pedophiles are being set for life - they can only get satisfaction out of having sex with a child. Does that mean an adult raped them when they were children - puppy example? I don't know, I'm still researching how it works. I do know that women are not like concrete. Once we imprint on our sexuality, we can always change - we are like plasticine - we mold and shape throughout our lives (also based on the latest research I've read) - that is why there are less women child molesters than there are men. We change, we shift, we adapt. 

My challenge is to learn what being "gentle" means. I'm like a teenager right now, fully aware of my own body and its needs, yet not quite knowing what to do with it. I've untangled my psyche and no longer confuse sex with love, and I'm all over myself happy that my husband happens to be the gentle guy. I literally have to learn to let him hug me, let him kiss me, let him stroke my skin, without automatically falling into the habit of - ok, I know what you need, just do it, and it will be over, THEN you can love me. Life long habits are hard to break. I hold my hands together, I learn to relax, I learn to know he doesn't mean me harm, it's ok to simply hug, I don't have to perform, I don't have to do "it", we can simply fall asleep. My bedroom seems safer already. The darkness doesn't scare me, no hand will grab me and tear me apart. Those strokes of my skin - they are not fake, they don't warrant pain - they are simple expressions of love, love I never knew, love I only dreamed about. It's so hard to comprehend that I cry. It can't be true, it's too good to be true. I let myself cry, though I can't let my husband wipe my tears yet, it's too fresh, the memories, I have to wipe my tears myself. Little step at a time, we are getting closer to each other. And I know that love is possible, and I have it. I'm in it right this moment, and nobody will take it away from me, ever. EVER.

Love is beautiful.

Photo by Erin Purcell.

Comments

[rox]

Isn't it affirming to come to that realization ! As You heal and you see that as a sexually abused person we often have come to feel all we are good for is sex . It is the only time we often recieved attention of any kind , or a warped sence of what wawe were told was affection or love .
Is it any wonder survivors of incest/abuse go on into prostitution etc. when you feel that is all you are good for or capable of !
To realize sex is not love and the phrase " making love " well sex in itself is most ceratinly not always making love " or having anything to do with love at times sex can be used in resntment /anger /hate/sadness etc.
sex itself may not be love but what a wonderous gift & blessing when we learn it can be and is part of a truely loving relationship . I feel so blessed to have a dh who knew the why behind all my sexual stuff even long before I did at times ! My first & ex partner father of my first was just like my own abuser in a sense because of course I chose what I knew , what I felt I deserved , he also was a messed up victim of abuse etc. When we split and I began to grow & heal this man ( who is in no way perfect but very truthful & real ☺ ) came into my life who would not let me use him as the warped father figure or be a victim . He respected who I am as me as a whole person ! I am a bit ashamed to say it took me longer to treat him the same way . Very fortunate he is patient as well as gentle & kind ☺
thanks for this post , I think it will be helpful to many survivors & their partners too ☺

[Ksenia Oustiougova]

Rox, so true!
I had the same, my ex is still my friend, but I there were some characteristics of him that reminded me of my father, and the second time I choose, I made a better choice. And yes, we are thinking sometimes all we are good for is sex! Just read my next post, to see what I mean - thanks so much for commenting!