Trapped
Monday, August 16, 2010 at 9:26PM 
My body is getting worse, or better - depending on how you look at it. I've been compressing my feelings for the past several days, stopping all fantasies and ignoring the sexual energy that's been emanating from me - just to get by, to be able to work and do things, without thinking about my husband all the time, about aching for his touch, and today I'm about to explode. I thought I solved it all by separating sex from love. I didn't. I feel trapped. I don't know what to do with this energy, and I see no way out for it, without breaking my family apart. I hate my body again! I hate myself again! I'm wailing as I'm writing this - I have not felt this much pain in weeks. Everything hurts, thoughts hurt, touch hurts. I'm on fire. Why was I born with such sexual energy? Why did I have to go remember all my past, to release it, and now to feel who I really am? What if I don't want to be who I am? How am I to adjust to what society deems as normal behavior, how am I to live with my husband without constantly looking on the side? I used to not want sex at all, now I want it all the time. What do I do with this? Is this a phase, am I acting out my abuse, or is this really who I am?
Why is this so hard to process and understand? Why do we have so much shame around women's sexuality in our society? is this what has been diagnosed as hysteria in the middle ages? I am pretty much hysterical right now - how must it have felt for women who couldn't release their energy at all? Probably a hundred times worse. They say, the force of stopping must equal the force of what you stop. If centuries of abuse of women couldn't change our sexual desire, than how strong must the female libido really be? No wonder we turn destructive, except we turn it inside, we destruct ourselves, and we pay for that dearly. We, who have been abused as children, who have been raped, who have been robbed of our childhood, we, who have been sexualized before our time, when we grow up, we are beaten for exhibiting any sign of passion, and yet, if we are cold, we're ridiculed as frigid. Nothing is ever right, except some far-fetched fantasy of an angelic woman who cooks, delivers babies, raises children, and, on top of that, is great in bed - performing everything with an angelic smile on her face. Does such a woman exist for real? Bullshit. She doesn't. I don't know who came up with this fantasy, but it doesn't serve us well, trailing its footprints form middle ages into today.
I think I now know how abuse victims turn into alcoholics, or start numbing themselves by having sex left and right. I don't drink, but right now the only thing I can think about is to get drunk, to numb myself, to forget, to stop feeling. I'd already made myself climax, I still want more. And I don't want to be alone. I never thought it's so hard to suppress this desire. I understand now why it took me almost a year to remember and to heal - imagine how much stuff I carried around, and what kind of energy I used to hold in check. Without knowing I did. No wonder I worked 16 hour days when getting my start-up off the ground. I could work even longer. I could work non-stop - without eating, sleeping. I could probably power an entire house with my electricity. Great. What choice do I have? What choices do we have as a family, as a union between me and my husband of 12 years?
WARNING: I'm about to talk about something people never mention out loud, not even between themselves, not even when they are a couple, only maybe fleetingly while they are in therapy, if it comes to it. This might be shocking, but it really isn't. I've been married and divorced before. Is it worth it divorcing again just because of lack of sex? No, it' not. But we do it all the time, and the kids are the ones who suffer. So how did we get here? What's wrong with us? Why is it a constant struggle? How can we allow ourselves feel what we feel, and be happy with it, be ok with our feelings, no matter what they are? I only have questions right now, no answers. I will keep exploring and writing here what is happening to my body, and hopefully help others who can't speak about it, but who feel the same pain that I do. And I hope I will find an answer one day. Then I won't feel trapped anymore, I will feel free, comfortable in my own body, knowing that this is me, and wanting to be me. Accepting me. As I am.
Photo by Tania De la Paz.
Reader Comments (2)
Such a shame our society views sex and sexuality in such a light...
Men are supposed to love it, enjoy it, think about it constantly - for that is part of the definition of Man.
Women are supposed to think of it as a duty, something to be endured, not really think of it at all - for that is part of the definition of Woman.
When either gender steps out of this role, society points their fingers.
He isn't having sex? *gasp* There is something wrong with him, perhaps he is gay?
She IS having sex? *gasp* There is something wrong with her, she must be a whore!
One must really wonder who these men are supposed to be having sex with!
Stay strong my dear... stay strong. Yes, another phase in the healing process, another layer removed. Be gentle with yourself, don't take it too fast... it comes in it's own time. Don't be too hard on yourself, give yourself the love you deserve, take some time for you... spend some time loving you today!
Oh Boshie, you made my day! I feel like a piece of crap right now, dirty, ashamed, want to take my skin for what I wrote, but I wrote the truth. And yes, I hate the fact that society points fingers! We've talked with my husband yesterday about this post, he saw my angry tears, and we both are still figuring out what to do. So thank you, thank you so much...