Shame, Guilt, and Sex

The hairy truth is this. Every instance I didn't want sex, when my husband wanted it, I felt handicapped, wrong, ashamed of my coldness. Now, every time I want sex and he doesn't, I'm ashamed again, this time of my desire, and I'm lost, not knowing what to do with his response. Every time I have sex that's unusual to the typical let's-do-it-quickly-under-the-covers (or fantasize about it), I feel guilty and ashamed. I've done something wrong, it's all bad, all that sex stuff is just not a proper way to live life. Proper ladies don't want sex. Proper ladies knit sweaters, raise babies, and grow angel wings. This is such common misconception of female sexuality, that I am swinging back and forth between exhilaration and deep shame mixed with guilt - all due to my newly unlocked sexual energy. I want to celebrate it, but I can't. Things that I want to do are not in the appropriate society's vocabulary.

So, what's a horny woman to do? Close off into depression to not suddenly launch into rampant one night-stands? I've been thinking about it. I hate depression. I also don't like the idea of one night stands. Should I just drug myself, tie myself up and stuff myself in the closet? So far I have not found a good solution except buying a life-like substitute at Babeland and hiding out in the bathroom with it. Which got stale pretty quickly. Plus lack of sleep is catching up with me - barely 4 hours a night.

Should I be asking friends to help? Would a male friend respond properly to this question - hey, I love my husband, but I'm dying to have sex and he doesn't want it as much right now, can you please have sex with me so that I can release the tension? And, by the way, this is not about love or a relationship, this is about sex, just sex. Would he think me a whore for that? Would he run away, or would it ruin his relationship with someone, with himself? Would he confuse it with love? Would my marriage fall apart if I actually do that? I decided to research that. I asked a stranger in a coffee shop today, saying - I'm writing a book and doing research - if a woman asked you this question (see above), what would be your reaction? He said he would be like a deer caught in the headlights, then he would wonder why the woman wants it, why right this minute, then he said he'd wonder if she asks this of many other men, he'd feel flustered and fluttered, but ultimately he'd say no. He said it would have to do with education level, and that most guys will say yes (latest research shows that majority of men would answer "yes"). Is he typical? Maybe. As I was typing up his response later, imagining if it was for real, I got beside myself with emotions of confusion, shock, guilt, shame, fear for my marriage, and only got worked up more sexually. I found the only way out of this frustration is to keep doing research, to put it into words on paper (boy, did I not think that writing would be helping me with sexual energy release also, not just pain release). And yet...

I get to the point sometimes when I literally want to climb walls - like a newly hatched teenager - I hope this is a phase and ultimately I will get to control it, and it will stop controlling me (Is this really me? Is this me acting up as abuse survivor? Is this a hormonal change?) Let's say, I will do it. Let's say, it will happen with someone I don't know or know not very well. Let's say, I will get drunk at some party and will lose control. (I'm avoiding parties and drinking for this reason). It all seems a tangled mess, out of which there seems to be no way out. So, where do I go from here? I have thought of several things. One - blindfold myself so that I don't look at any guy walking by and looking hot (in the past, I could never understand ads in magazines calling guys hot - I would look and say, I don't care for this). Two - go visit one of the open sex practice centers in Seattle that I dug up online - Center For Sex Positive Culture, Sharma Center, New Horizons Club, etc. (I actually had no idea we have all those places in Seattle) - and then what? Trying to live with myself after what I would see or do there? Three - suck it up and power through with pills - sleeping pills for sleep, calming pills for during the day (the problem is, I already did that in the past with ADD pills during the day and sleeping pills at night). Four - I don't even know what four is. If there is a four. Is an alternative marriage/lifestyle really an answer? Or is it an illusion that is impossible in our society without shame and guilt? What exactly does that mean to us? Can a woman love several men at the same time, can a man love several women? According to Sex At Dawn, that is how we evolved. That's easy to say on paper, what does this mean in real life? What consequences one bears if one chooses to go there? I have many more questions that I had when I began writing this post. None yet answered. I feel I have to split into two people again - a parent and a teenager - so that the parent can manage the horny teenager. Which I never got a chance to be - I plunged into motherhood at the age of 18, without anyone out there parenting me. I'll have to catch up on that now, now that I finally woke up from the repression of my abuse and my natural body feelings. I'm glad it took only 20 years and not longer. Photo by Yaniv Golan.