Unstuck
Monday, August 23, 2010 at 6:49PM 
What if you were in your 30’s, and one day you woke up as a teenager. Sounds like that movie we all saw – except in reverse; sounds like my life. After having repressed most of my feelings and memories, I woke up one day to a new body, new feelings, and new experiences. My social and sexual development slowed down at the first advent of my abuse, and it stopped cold when I ran away from home, became pregnant, and gave birth to my daughter. Instead of being a teenager, I became a mom. Instead of exploring relationships and the intimate side that comes with it, my hormones had to be shut down, to accommodate the new lifestyle, to repress the abuse, to function as a parent – with no sleep at night, no going out, no socializing with peers, no personal time, no free roaming without any kind of structure or schedule. I’ve missed my teenage hood almost entirely, and I am only waking up to it now. I stumble in the dark a lot, I feel things with my arms stretched out, I bump into things I don’t want to bump into, I’m learning what’s appropriate behavior and where, and how to manage it all. The only advantage to that is – I am in my 30’s after all, and that experience helps. The disadvantage is – I am in my 30’s, so when I make a mistake, I look like a complete fool.
If you have a teenager in the house (like I do), you know it takes time to explain certain things, and certain things fall on deaf ears no matter how hard you try. Well, it turns out I’m deaf to certain things right now, and I wonder if any of my “waking up” stuff had to do with having to raise a teenager – it’s a trigger, among other things, just like my son looking like me with long hair was part of the trigger to kick-start my memories. Here is what I tell myself, and here is how I fail.
I need to sleep a certain amount of hours to function properly. Duh. Lately my bedtime became very consistent – it is 3am sharp each night. Not bad. Considering I have to wake up at 6am, but barely manage 7am – sounds familiar? I’m supposed to eat properly – simple things like breakfast, lunch, dinner. Yeah, except I’ve been ditching breakfast lately, to make it to work on time, and then skipping lunch, to binge on dinner in front of TV – sounds familiar? I have been fascinated with a multitude of porn sites with free videos, and after having done all chores, spend time “researching” them – of course, all I am doing is researching. Like for homework. Sounds familiar? I talk to people in coffee shops about some very inappropriate things, though I claim are for my book (which is of course a cover-up for the real reason), and I don’t understand that it is not the appropriate place to talk about this – that’s what bars are for. But I can’t go to a bar, I’m not 21 yet. Or am I?
These last several weeks I’ve been faced with an overwhelming power to get giddy at posters of half-naked guys, talking about sex to anyone at any opportunity I get, and having a hard time kicking it out of my mind when I need to concentrate on other tasks. I wonder if that’s how it really feels, being a teenager. Those of you who didn’t skip that developmental stage, does it ring true to you? As part of my healing process, I have to go through this – there is no way around. I hope I will arrive at the 20’s, and, ultimately, at my current age. I’m puzzled as to how long it will take. And I’m trying to take it one step at a time. Some days it works, some it doesn’t. Some days, I wish my feelings never got woken up, some days I’m overwhelmed with happiness that they did. The trick is in learning how to channel my new energy. There is always the right place, time, and people for everything. The same way I can’t walk into a restaurant naked, I have to respect other people’s commitments to places, things, and activities. I sound awfully motherly right now – good – with writing I’m managing my teenage side (sounds very convincing). I tend to push at these newly founded boundaries. No, wait, I actually didn’t know at there were any, and I have broken a few already, realizing – oh-oh – I can’t do this, getting burned quickly, which is good – it guarantees I won’t do those mistakes again. I understand my daughter now, I think – I’ll have to ask her. Pushing boundaries is what my life is about now – after thinking that there are no boundaries at all. Fascinating times. Not so fascinating results of exploration sometimes. Sometimes I have to teach myself safety, and I get why teenagers drive drunk and at high speed – the stopping mechanism is simply not in their brain, it hasn’t developed yet. I scratch my head trying to feel it – do I have mine? After some things that I’ve done, I wonder if it is. Need to get it implanted. Maybe it loses the ability to grow after a certain age. That would be very disappointing. At least one discipline stayed intact for me – the need to write it all out to process. There, I’m done with my homework, on to more exploration (mom – remember the rules, be safe and considerate of others; teenager – yeah, yeah, I got it already!).
Photo by Erin Purcell.
Reader Comments (4)
I'm 18. I guess you could say I went through a *very very brief* period when I was 14 of seeing pictures and fantasizing, that sort of thing, but the idea of s*x was never appealing to me. And that was before I even found out about my/our past (DID). Now...forget it.
I've never felt a s*xual urge before in a conscious state. I've never had s*x with anyone, ever, after age 13 when the ab*ses stopped.
just sharing...
Sarah, thanks so much for the insite and sharing! I have no idea what it would be like - I have never "wanted" it either, I did it mechanically. I'm assuming a healthy teenager wants that, but I might be wrong...
Well I was never a "healthy" teenager. I was dealing with my mental problems even back then, so I'm probably a bad example :D
You know, who says what is "healthy" in the first place? I am only discovering this for myself - what exactly does that mean? It might be different for different people. We all make assumptions, I made mine when writing this, but what do I know for real? I don't know anything, I guess. So no, you are not a bad example, you are the "real" example :)