My heart stopped bleeding
Friday, September 10, 2010 at 2:06PM 
Today it stopped bleeding. It bled all there was to give, all there was to severe, to cut, to pull apart, and to separate. Then it stopped. I'm dry. It still hurts, but doesn't bleed anymore. It felt as if I tore a limb away, something that wasn't mine but that grew so close to me that it became almost one. It was hard to let go. I looked at it this morning, and it didn't look as part of me anymore. It was gone, lifeless, loveless. I've grown used to it. This part of me that hoped everything would be perfect, one day everything would be ideal. I thought I would work towards it, and it will pay off, it will change, and my future will be as I imagined it. Only it was not real. It clashed with what was really out there, and for the longest time I refused to take off my pink glasses and see what it was. A relationship that was over. Mended, propped, cleaned on a regular basis, supported, fastened - but not whole. But falling apart. But - in pieces. The pieces fell through my fingers as I tried to hold it together. Every piece was part of me, it was stuck to me, and every piece that I tore off, bled. It opened a new wound each time, until it got to my heart. And I cried, I cried all there was to cry and bled all there is to bleed. As I write it now, my eyes are dry.
We all hope in life - there will be this perfect someone who will read our thoughts, who will anticipate our moves, who will dream our dreams. We are in love with idea itself, and when we meet a suitable person, we hang this idea on both our shoulders - thinking - what if it will work? It will, it will! We are convinced. We don't know life, we love feeling it and we don't think anything can go wrong. Ever. How could it? But reality is different. Reality strikes us once, then twice, until we notice the cracks, the inconsistencies in our idea, and see it for what it is - not a relationship, but an idea of a relationship - the one that we dreamt up, the one that has nothing to do with how really relationships work. We hopefully learn and move on, trying it on again, cautiously, carefully, thinking - this time it should work. This time I've avoided all my previous pitfalls, and I know what I can and can't do, and I will be honest with myself and with others. Only then it doesn't work again, because when we think things are set in stone, when we think we found that one special relationship, we forget that things change. Nothing is ever the same, and as things change - we either adapt, or we don't - then why are we so surprised to find ourselves at the other end, grown apart? Why are we surprised at the distance? We never bothered to check in - we kept running forward without looking around, without noticing, burying ourselves in stuff - the chores, the things to get, the places to visit, the events to schedule, the mundane. Always in the someday - where really there was only now, and it wasn't happening at all according to how we thought it was. Is it possible to be blind to this for a decade? It is, and I am feeling it right now.
I mourned it, I bled it. And I think I understood that it is all part of life - it wasn't bad, it wasn't good, it wasn't a waste, it wasn't a gain, it simply was - and now it is no longer. As simple as that. All the meaning on top of it is my own invention. It hurts to realize this truth, but it's also cleansing. I look at all people around me, in my life, and I see it at various degrees with all of them - and I rush t see them, to talk to them, to be in the now, after being in the either, in the neverland of the future or the past. I'm scared I won't have enough time to see all of them, to connect with all of them, to tell all of them how I love them - for no reason, just because they exist in my life. But when they respond, when they open up to me - I'm afraid and I hide. I'm afraid of my past mistakes - I doubt that I can form anything new. Can I? Is there such a thing as in being with someone, always in the now? Is it another fantasy that I made up to explain my past and to make an excuse for the future? Can I do it, am I capable? The fear is strong, it hurts me. I'm torn. I want to reach out, but now I want it perfect. I count every step I make, I watch it all and judge it all. How do I get over it and just be? I don't know. There are many more questions that whir in and out of my head. I only know one thing - I can trust love. I can give love and never ask for anything in return, and then it will come back, through all this giving,it will go through the hearts of others, and they will pour it out back to me. Only I can never ask, never wait, I should trust it will happen, and give freely. Only then it will be true.
My heart still hurts. But it stopped bleeding. I know it will hurt for a long time. I hope one day it will be a memory of the pain and not the pain itself. And maybe then one day it will be filled with love again.
Photo by Petras Gagilas.
Reader Comments (6)
Very powerful. You bleeding is not in vain. Blood is our connection to our Creator, who created us to bleed, and then to stop bleeding in order to bring forth life. God bless you, Ksenia.
Thank you Jennifer :)
I am overjoyed that you have found serenity. I can't wait to see what is the fruit of your blood, the light that is birthed in the womb of darkness just like in the beginning, when God drew light from the dark. Hugs and love to you.
Hillary - thanks girl:) It means a lot.
There is so much truth in this post. I really relate to your pain and I love the way you write.
I had this "idea" of how it would be when I met that "just right" person, the one who will "complete me" and when that didn't happen ~ well I feared that maybe I would never be completed!! The hardest thing for me to accept was that even the perfect special person (if he existed), will never complete me, it is up to me to do that. I think my fantasy about the right guy was about skipping my healing work. It grew out of my belief that there was somone who would love me enough for me to be able to love myself.
This is really beautiful, I am so glad that I read it.
Hugs, Darlene
Darlene,
your words ring in my ears now - you're right. I had this for years, I thought I could be fixed, mended, healed - fi only I found the right person to do it. Then I could just rest and be in peace. But I was mistaken. It was up to me to fix myself, to mend myself, and to be happy. I'm happy I saw it now and not 20 years later, when it would have been too late, when I would have been much sicker and older and to tear something apart would be virtually impossible, then I would have turned bitter to the world - for all the lies it told me when I was young. I'm happy I will never get to that awful place.