Misery

I’m feeling being eaten from inside out, for suppressing my emotions – for not letting myself go overboard where I can’t, because the rules of the game are different. I want either all or nothing, but the world operates on a grey scale, and I tend to go overboard in connecting, in wanting to be in tune, in giving a lot and getting back a lot. That does not always work, especially if the rules are not set by me but by someone else or by our society. I want it to be my way. I guess I’m in an adolescent stage of post-relationship freedom. Unfortunately, there is no parent handy to wall me in the boundaries – I have to parent myself. And it’s oh so tempting to give up that role and say – oh, go to hell, I want to do it, period!

There is an emptiness inside of me that I am trying to fill quickly – without looking, or thinking, or evaluating what it might turn into in the future, or what it might mean to other people. Are teenagers focused solely on themselves for a reason? I’m feeling it all over again, or maybe I’m feeling it for the first time in my life, being a teenager only until I ran away from home at 16 and had to grow up quickly, get a job, and then getting pregnant at 17, at which stage my adolescence ended. I have never been taught the value of relationships, their natural course, what to do, what to watch out for, what not to do. These things have never been discussed in my family. The only thing I knew was that I wanted to NEVER have it be like what I saw – abusive, cold, disconnected, sexist, controlling. I wanted it to be the opposite – gentle, caring, warm, connected, equal, free. I guess I’ve tried it in my life twice now, and I’m still on the path of learning. But why pain? Oh why does it have to be so painful – to feel alive, to be present? I have to hack at my insides, with a knife. I felt so mad at myself today, no matter how hard I hacked – I still felt something. There is no way back to being numb, is there. Should I peel my skin off? Might help distracting me. I need to focus on the mundane, on being grounded, on being stable – for my kids, for my future life on my own. Instead, I violently shake from going up and down emotionally several times a n hour, until at the end of the day I’m exhausted.

My friends tell me – wait, don’t make decisions on anything, stop, look around, breathe in, settle. I listen and nod, and wonder – why the hell to I propel forward at such speed and what exactly is wrong with me??? Why do I have to suddenly experience everything at once, at the same time, in the matter of days, or hours, fast – as if it will never be there again to savor, as if another chance won’t present itself. I managed to get myself on a rollercoaster several times in the course of the last several weeks already. Not enough? Apparently not. Who to blame? Me, of course. How to get out? Grit the teeth and go through it. I’m usually the first one to point out needy people. Guess what, I’m needy now. Not very pleasant to admit. Needy for attention, for love, for touch, for I don’t know what else – for everything. I’m tempted to record these swings and then howl at the moon, and blame it all on the tides, the position of the sun, that old lady who told me my future 30 years ago by holding out a deck of cards on an old checkered tablecloth. It really has nothing to do with me, there must be some outside forces at work here. I can conveniently blame it on them, and be done with dealing with it. If only it was that easy. If only I didn’t know that all those things are a bunch of baloney and I have to look deep inside once again, to process what is happening to me, to let it go its course, to free myself of it, like a drug addict – waiting it out in the walled room devoid of physical stimulators. White walls, white soft upholstered walls, like a mad woman in an asylum. To beat against the walls until I have no energy left, until I can sit down quietly for a day, and only then I would be allowed out. Into the world, To enjoy life again. In the newfound moderation.

Photo by Kennedy Garrett.