Balance

If it existed in my world. Instead it is a roller coaster of up, down, up, down. I'm looking for even. I gain it one day, only to wonder how long it will last, when the next emotion will strike and kick me out of balance. Today is a perfect day. I have to stop thinking about what will happen, when it will happen, how it will happen, and just let myself be in the now. Watch the sun shine through the yellow leaves, take time to gaze out into the distance and notice how brilliant the blue of the sky is - with a hint of fall in how it shimmers - cold yet sparkly. I have to stop thinking how I should spend my time effectively today, how many hours there are left, what will I do tomorrow. None of it matters. Only the beauty of life does. I'm in it now. I try to notice, to not forget. It's easy to get lost in the moment, only realizing what the moment was, once we're out of it. While in, it's hard to recognize.

I'm in the middle, can it be? No guilt, no fear, no pain. No euphoria, no excitement, no overjoy. Steady. Happy. My past is out in the open, yet it doesn't bother me anymore. I look at it like at an old photograph of someone who died a long long time ago. Browned corners bent, spills of tears dried, faces distant, background familiar but not heart wrenching. It is a fact, without emotions left. At least for today. I look at myself and I know I'm no longer part of that photograph, maybe I was one day, maybe it ruled me, maybe I didn't even see it had such power over me. I'm separate from it now. I climb on the roof of a tall house and look down. The air is so still, it barely moves my hair. I hold the photograph by the corner, then let go. It floats like a brown leaf, sun sparkles on its white border and the back, when it turns over in the air. It flips one more time before it hits the ground and joins the multitude of fallen leaves from a nearby giant maple. I stretch my hands out, unconciously, not understanding why. Fear. It reared its ugly face. It made me reach out and hope that another leaf, another photograph, my new future - will drop from the sky, and I desperately need to catch it. Why if I don't? What if I catch the wrong one? What if I catch too many and then won't know how to choose? I withdraw my hand, quickly. I'm a little bit afraid, but I choose to not know. I choose to trust that when the moment comes, I will know what to do, where to go, whom to love, why to live. It will all come, like that train that was late, that turned a corner just when I thought I shouldn't wait anymore and should leave the idea of going places all together. It came, and I still stood on the platform. I trusted it to come. I must trust the future to come. And when it will come, I'll know what to do.

I want to start fresh, scrubbed clean and pink. I want to revel in the newness of everything, of everyone. It feels like that first day of school, when the flowers smelled stronger than ever, when the clothes were washed the night before and pressed fresh in the morning, when the people on the street turned their heads to look, when their eyes sent jolts of thrill down my spine, when the buildings seemed to soar above the carpet of the sidewalks, when every step felt like going deeper into a fairy land. When everyone who spoke to me was a new friend right away, forever. When my notebook smelled of clean paper, and the turn of every page rattled softly in the air. When I hesitated to put my name on it, afraid to touch the white, the perfect. When every penny found on the street was a treasure, to be buried in a secret place. When I felt full of the special secret that nobody knew about, walking around giddy from having the knowledge that nobody else had. When sharing this secret with a friend was the biggest dare ever. When biting into an apple was careless, with juice running down my chin. When jumping higher and higher was the biggest challenge of the day. I hope it lasts forever.

Photo by Evil Erin.