Shaking up still water

I've noticed that when I opened up to feeling my love to people and giving it away, the people on the receiving end first got very excited and opened up, only to shut down a few days later - due to suspicions, fear of commitment, emotional confusion, lack of trust, and sudden nervousness. What is that she wants from me? What if something will happen and she will ask me to return the favor? Why is she doing this? What's in it for me, and why would I trust this? Does she really have a hidden agenda? If she does, what is it? If I give in, will she then abandon me? Am I a plaything, or is this really a true friendship? What should  I expect, what does this mean, what could it mean in the future? Am I safer to not participate, to keep to myself, to stay on my own? What happened, why the sudden change? Can I trust it? Is this the same person that I knew, the one that my friends told me about, that business woman bent crazy on networking - am I part of her networking efforts now? And on and on it goes. 

At first, I was hurt in return. I thought, should I close off too? Maybe I shouldn't participate in this whole thing called life, just live like I used to, nice and grey and clean and boring, but very productive work wise, and being a respected determined entrepreneur who doesn't waste time on going to parties, art walks, or seeing friends to talk about nothing in particular. Only I can't go back - even with all the pain that came with connecting to people, I'm alive and feeling myself like never before. To all of you with doubts - please have none. I have no hidden agenda, I'm not planning anything, and I'm not looking at gaining something - I'm just in love. In love with you all, with your ideas, with the sound of your laughter, with your silliness and smarts - I'm obsessed with connecting and hungry for life - because life is short and I want all of it now, after stumbling in the dark for so many years. I think after a while my hunger will subside and regulate itself, but I hope it will not. I'm happy simply from exchanging short SMS messages, hearing back a phone call, listening to outrageous ideas, watching a silly movie together, sharing stories over a cup of coffee, or watching the stars together. Why? Because it's fun. Because life can be enjoyed - a concept that didn't exist in my head before. 

You might be turned off by how direct I am - but this is only because I know what I want, and I know when I want it, and I don't want to waste time on being dishonest, playing games, or pretending to be someone to fit the bill - I've lost so much, and I've done so many things in my life that I regretted terribly - because they were not ME, not MINE - that I'm done with this approach. There was a time, not too long ago, this year, when I didn't want to live, I wanted to give it all up, I didn't know life could bring smile to my face. I thought it was over. I thought I was done. I didn't see that it was me being again 5, or 8, or 11 - after one of the abuse episodes - when the pain was so overwhelming, that life didn't seem worth living - because only more pain would come in the future. People ask me sometimes - why did you go back into your past? Why do you keep talking about it in the open? Aren't you afraid of your career, of your reputation, or how people will view you? And I say - no. I'm not. I've seen death, looked it right in the face, and nothing else in this world is scarier than that. I told it to go have a walk, I'm not ready yet, I'm not done with this side of it. I thought it's worth it being happy and bringing happiness to others. Just the other day a friend walked up to me and said that she is not feeling alone anymore, simply because I shared my secret and she might be having something similar that happened to her. She said about herself - I thought I was a freak. I said, no, you were not. I said, you were processing it - other people thought you a freak for that - that's their problem. This comment alone is worth it for me to bare my soul. I'm not just smoking the sky anymore, I'm digging myself out of a swamp, and, guess what, I'm digging hundreds of other people with me. Now that's worth going public about my stuff. And in case you wondered, living fully is worth it too.

I no longer have illusions about the future, or about the past. There is nothing, except the now. Whatever happened, happened. Awesome. It sits in my brain as a memory, but that's it. It doesn't exist in the physical world, nobody is standing with a knife to my throat. I can do what I want, when I want it, with whom I want it. I can make choices and be responsible for them, or not make choices and avoid responsibility. Everything is at my fingertips, and I can declare myself whomever I want, or I can change every day if I wanted to. I still have my fear left, but I'm aware of it now, and it doesn't stop me from charging ahead. If you want to connect, to share - hitch a ride with me - I promise it won't be boring. Let's shake up still water together - you won't believe how it sparkles in the sun!

Photo by Fe Ilya.