Being a bitch
Monday, January 10, 2011 at 6:58PM 
I never thought of myself as being selfish, I was always being used by others - and was trained to please and service others. How surprising it is to feel in control for once, and being selfish for once, and feeling that I deserve every bit of what I have, and can make claims to what belongs to me, and feel absolutely happy in my own skin, and not to owe anyone anything, and demand what I want - because I know exactly what I want from this life. I am in shock of this force that unfolded within me - complete lack of fear, a perfect aim, a proper weapon - and a deadly determination. Where did this come from, and when did it have the time to germinate and grow and seep through into my mind?
I walk forward and I break everything in my path - it is my path, and I can't stand anyone obscuring my vision. I toss aside pieces of anything that tried to stop me - after being thoroughly destroyed. Foul words bounce off of me back at those who shout, knives and rocks barely leave a dent and litter the ground - I can't be stopped, I keep walking. I know where I go, I know what is waiting for me - I have no dreams - I create reality, and I won't let anyone alter it or wreck it - it's mine. I can see it, I know it is years ahead of me - but I know I will reach it one day, and then - I will create a new one, a more powerful vision of where I want to be - and I will walk the path to it, again. The sheer determination to get there is my carrying power - I need nothing. No water, no food, no shelter. My legs never tire, my mind never sleeps, my eyes never close. My lips never open - there is no need for speaking, only nodding briefly. I don't buy the talk about fate - there is none - there is only what I create for myself, with my own hands - bleeding, cutting them on rocks, smearing them with dirt, but never stopping. No matter how broken the nails are. No matter how frozen the ground is. If my nails will give out, I will use my teeth. If my teeth will give out, i will suck it in - like a worm - but I will keep moving forward.
What happened to me is in the past, and the past no longer exists. What will happen to me is in the future, and the future doesn't exist yet. I am in the now, and I do it how I want. It is up to me to allow myself to be happy, or to make myself miserable. I choose happy. It is up to me to sit and watch life happen, or to jump into the ring and wrestle with it - I choose to wrestle. It's my choice to passively accept what is coming my way, or fight and chase it off, because it doesn't fit into my perfect picture frame - I choose to fight. I have this vision - it is beautifully framed, it adorns the wall of my inner mind - smack between the eyes. It shakes left and right when I walk, so that I don't forget. So that I have to stop, to pull my eyes inside, to focus on it. So that I always keep it in front of all my thoughts - the picture of how I want to be. At peace. At beauty. At happiness. At ease. Does it involve smacking into others when I lose sight of the actual road in front of me? You bet. Does it hurt me and them? You bet. Is it worth it? Should I forget about the "perfect" and settle for the mediocre? No way. Life is there for a reason - I chose to live it. I woke up from dreaming the false dream, and now I'm being selfish. I want, and I allow myself to want. I want like I wanted then - I stomp my feel like a toddler, in demand. And I am not ashamed of it, for the first time since I was beaten for wanting something so badly. Nobody can beat me now, I can want it all I want, and I can stomp for effect, if I want to. This is called being a bitch. I guess it is. Guess what - I am enjoying myself. And I don't care what others call it - it makes me feel good, and I am going for it full swing.
Photo by Nomadiq Miles.
Reader Comments (2)
This is ironic.
Ironic in what way?