Recharged

I thought I ought to bury myself in intellectual consumption of positive thinking, positive people, positive books – to recharge. I was wrong. I work in reverse of the battery logic. I recharge when I unplug. When there are no extra people, there is no amount of thinking, there are no books or stories or movies or articles of any sort. When there is nothing and everything at the same time. Pure emotion. The gazing at the skin, the noticing of how it stretches on the elbows when I bend my arm, the feeing of touch, the leaning on the pillow with wet hair and forgetting about time until my hair turns dry all on its own. The not having to wake up to do anything in particular, or doing particularly nothing, because there are no plans, no guilt for not fulfilling any plans, nothing ahead of me, and nothing that was missed or left behind. Allowing my stomach to feel hunger and ignoring it blissfully – all for the sunshine through the blinds, for the way the cotton sheets are crinkled in the morning, for the way the back aches after hours of propping my head on my hands, for no reason.

At first the pangs of constant motion disrupt the nothing, tugging away at the urges – to jump, to be busy, to pretend to bring fulfillment to the holes of humanity, to not think about myself, to not be selfish. But they subside, hour by hour, till they’re gone. Till the time stops and the thoughts quiet. Till the air becomes still, the limbs become part of the air, the ears pick up the slightest breathing of the floor, the passing of the clouds, the singing of the birds. Till the mind anchors on the emptiness of existence, on the sensation of the small, the mundane, the non-noticeable, till the there is nothing else but the now, the right this minute, the exact moment. Happiness. Stillness. Love.  All come flooding out of nowhere – out of nothing into something – into a gigantic tangle of tranquility. Time loses meaning, morning becomes evening, evening becomes day, day breaks into night. Nothing has boundaries, everything turns upside down and folds onto itself. At this moment the fear of the unknown prevents me to fully fall into this state, but I battle it. I battle it and I win, and from his point on, it’s unstoppable. The necessary things lose meaning, the stuff that needs to get done - loses urgency, the urgency itself steps aside. All there’s left is love. Love for the moment, love for life, love for existence. It all makes sense. It all becomes clear. It unblocks the mind. It forces the brain to open up and breathe in pure oxygen. It exposes every single cell of my body to the wind, and I don’t care. I don’t feel warm or cold, or lost, or naked, or solid, or bound. Zero enters my feelings, the zero of the equation, the equation of negative and positive, of the deep blues of depression and the highs of the excitement.

I’m canceled out. I try to remember the past, and it doesn’t exist. I try to project the future, and it doesn’t pan out. I think that I have lost the ability to think, to talk, to generate ideas – but I’m wrong again. The longer I let myself simmer,  the more energy I feel. The more I keep my mind open, the more transparent my thoughts become. The more I gaze instead of looking, the more I see. The more I bask in the sounds around me, the more I hear. The more I rest my body, the more it springs at every movement. The transformation is complete. I see myself at the other side of the tunnel, drunk on new energy, dizzy from the sense of beginning. There is no jumping up and down, to riding high on pure thrill, no plunging down from despair. Only being even. Being driven forward on one steady rhythm. Like a locomotive - pumping smoke, chugging along, in touch with the rails, in line with the horizon, in sync with the movement. Like a current of water – invisible to the eye, a force strong enough to drag you with it, steady, liquid. Like vast darkness – enveloping and solid. Like afternoon sun – bright and glowing.

Recharged.

Photo by Lised Marquez.

Comments

[Ligeia]

I love the flow on this...so very fluid.

[Ksenia Oustiougova]

Thanks Ligeia - I felt fluid when I was writing it - it was just pouring out...

[Royce Daniel]

While reading this I felt I was in the midst of meditation. Just what I needed after a long day of work... mind candy.

[Ksenia Oustiougova]

Happy to provide mind candy - any time :)