Deciding to be happy
Wednesday, February 16, 2011 at 5:36PM 
It's easy, really. Nobody can make me happy except me - and it's up to me to decide to be happy or to be miserable. It's up to me to wake up and to jump into the day with a grin on my face, or slumber on, blaming the weather, the past, the traffic, the neighbors. Like right now - right this very moment - I'm searching for pain inside of me, and I can't find any. Not even in the farthest corners of my memory - everything is even and solid. Why? Because I said so. I said I will be happy, period. And I am. It's a commitment, it's hard to stand by it, it's very tempting to slide back down into the smelly warmth of the blues swamp - it looks so inviting, so comfortable, so predictable - at least there I know when exactly I will be lacking oxygen, when exactly my lungs will fill with the liquid dirt, when exactly the last bubble will pop on the surface, when I will stop seeing the light of day, surrounded by the slimy murk, when I will forget that I need to breathe to live, when I will simply exist, hour by hour, day by day. These memories, they are so nostalgic - I want to slip down into them. But I don't. I show it the finger and march on.
I decided - screw it all - I am happy. Because I want to be. Because life is too damn short to waste it on pretense, on mind games, on drilling deep down into the meaning of existence and coming up with answers to love, death, success, fear - and mulling over them instead of flat out experiencing each and every one. Instead of throwing ourselves smack into the middle of action. Instead of letting go and knowing that nobody can explain to us how it feels - only we can get it after trying it out for real. Walking down the street in a busy neighborhood and laying down on the ground - because we felt like it, because the sun is better visible at that angle, because we wanted to - for no reason. Screaming into the air because it feels like emptying out that stale air, inhaled and exhaled in solitude, surrounded by nothing but walls, and clearing off our lungs. Calling up someone we haven't talked to in 10 years because of some fight over some issue with some other people on some important day in some other city. Taking an acting class because we always wanted to say jokes off the stage, but we know nobody would ever laugh at them. Spending a day doing absolutely nothing, watching how long we will last without trying to fill our day with meaningless tasks - just to feel like we are doing something important and not just smoking sky. Playing hide-and-seek just for the fun of it, because it is funny to be an adult and hide in the pillows, and sit there and wait, and hope to never be found, and forget about the age, the time, the problems, the to-do lists - being concentrated on our breathing, hoping it is not too loud, and listening for the footsteps, hearing out heart beat in the excitement of the final moments of the game.
Choosing to be happy - with people that I am with, with things that I have, with the body that I inhabit. Twisting my toes in an imaginary dance down the life road into a constant state of perfection - because everything around me is perfectly beautiful - if I want it to be. It's up to me to choose to see it - as pretty, choose to taste it - as heavenly, choose to listen to it - as breathtaking, choose to feel it - as warm, always. I notice how I forget this, how I plunge into the darkness the second I slide into the past or into the future, the second I stop being in the now, the second I start thinking - "what if" and "oh it happened before". As long as I am not there, as long as I manage to exist in the moment, as long as I am being like a three year old, focused on what is happening and being completely unaware of what is coming - I am happy. This is a paradox - and it is forbidden to live like this - we are supposed to learn, to evolve, to avoid mistakes we have done in the past - but I find, the more I focus on avoiding, the more I actually step into the same hole and break the same leg. But if I make myself feel happy, if I focus on the moment, if I choose to not to dwell in my head, but see where I am physically, what I see right there and then, what I hear, what I taste, what I feel - I smile. It is contagious too - people around me start smiling too. They start seeming happy to me - where as a minute ago, they looked burdened by their problems as much as I was. What kind of a miracle is it? How is this possible? I don't know, and I don't want to dive deep into answering this question - I feel it, it feels great - and I will go for it. Being happy. Because I said so.
Photo by Camdiluv AmmyLynn.
Reader Comments (3)
Breakfast for the mind and imagination - what a wake up call!
Good post, GREAT JOB, EXCELLENT....the possibilities, aren't you exhilarated? Of course you are. ;)
Thanks guys - I am exhilarated for sure - especially at the power that I hold - it's all in my hands. THAT is something that I haven't seen before. THAT is something I am still struggling with - I want to give it to somebody, to avoid taking responsibility - and it is VERY hard not to, VERY hard to take little steps - to owning it.
Thanks again! <3 <3 <3