Stuck

I feel sometimes being stuck, in life, in love, in things - as if I'm not moving forward, as if I'm not making enough strides to improve myself, to keep growing, to keep changing and opening up and knowing who I am and where I want to go. I get frustrated with myself, with those around me, and I want to push us all forward, but I forget that it's not my job to do that - I don't have a job at all. All I can do is try being happy - with what I have now - see how precious those moments are, feel them and experience them without thinking what will happen tomorrow, or viewing them through the lens of what happened yesterday. Who cares? It was yesterday, and today it's gone, forever, and it doesn't mean a thing - unless I add all kinds of meaning to it. 

I look around and I see the faces of other people, who also feel stuck, who want this but in reality have that, whose minds race ahead of their actions, who can't be happy with what they have on their hands but look up to the sky, cursing the fact that they have no clue about how to sprout wings and take off. They think they're crawling at the bottom of life, and they envy those floating above. But there is no above, or below, of in the middle. Life is not a race - there will always be someone or something better than what we have, no matter how hard we try to ignore it. Instead of wishing we could have it, and being pissed in the process of observing, how about being happy for those that could? For those that are prettier, smarter, richer, faster, more grounded, more centered, more accomplished? How about we salute them and make them feel good about what they have, and how about we look and find that we have things that others don't, those things that we hate in ourselves are the very things that make us unique? Easy to say, of course. I'm the first one who still battles with this, battles with my own image, my level of knowledge of this and that, my ability to create that or this, my ideas about how things should have, would have, could have, must have. Happened. Only life does not work like this. It happens. Period. 

I forget that I'm living my dream, when I'm in the middle of it. It's easy to overlook and start longing for something else - but it's exactly what I wanted, and I have it now, this very moment. I am my own, I'm on my own, I write, I live, I feel great, I have friends, I contribute, I help, I'm becoming myself more and more every day, I don't let my past rule my now. What else could there to be to wish for? This is perfect. Why do I not see it sometimes? I get used to it, I want more. I compare, I fucking analyze every single detail, and I project how to be the most efficient in what I want in the future, but the second I do that - I fall back into the misery - and I wonder what happened. I ignore the beauty around - the sun, the rain, the flowers. I want the impossible, the sun to always be there, the flowers to never wilt, the sky to always stay brilliantly clean. I have trouble being happy with little things, I want to fly big, and I want it all. I forget that it's ok to want, but it doesn't mean I have to have it this very moment. I can cherish the idea and enjoy the road ahead, the ride on the way to my destination, even the setbacks along the way - because it's never a straight shot, and every little cul-de-sac is simply an opportunity to stop, to look around, to breathe in, and to enjoy the scenery so much more. 

When I look at it - I'm not stuck. I only feel like am, but I am moving forward, little by little. It's just sometimes the steps are so little that I don't notice them, but they happen. Every day I learn something new about me and about those around me, and about life, about how it works, and about how it doesn't. Every day I wake up and realize that I can be happy, if I say so. It's up to me and not to anybody else, and it's about glowing from within and not applying tons of makeup to create an illusion of glowing on the outside. The masking doesn't count, so I can effectively let it go, let go of my wish to be perfect and of those around me to be perfect as well. Letting go, letting go. Being happy - now.

Photo by Casey Muir-Taylor.